Oh you want another chance? Sorry, I'm all out of those

Question: What's something you feel strongly about?

I'm a Whitmore, I feel strongly about everything.

I am my dad's daughter. I don't have mild opinions or thoughts, nor are my feelings usually moderate. If I have an opinion on something, it is a strong opinion - that's just how I am genetically put together. I don't tend to have a "meh, whatever" take on things. I believe strongly. I jump into things with both feet, I don't test the waters first. I fall hard, I love hard, and I hurt hard.

To answer the question, one thing I feel strongly about - especially lately - is that sometimes, people do deserve another chance. And I feel equally as strongly that sometimes, they just don't.

Not everyone deserves another chance after they hurt you. There are people in my life who have continued to repeat hurtful behaviors, who have continuously said or done things that have caused me pain or have broken my heart. People don't always deserve forgiveness. That's my strong opinion.

And on the opposite end of the spectrum, are the people who have hurt you, or have hurt your family, or who have simply vanished from your world, who come back in with a genuine effort, or a sincere apology, and these people - in my strong opinion - deserve to be forgiven.

More often than not, I do think that most people deserve another chance after they've hurt you. But not always. Not if they aren't sorry, or if they aren't sincere or genuine. Not if they continue the same hurtful behavior of if they don't learn from their mistake.

People come in and out of your life for a reason. At this point, I've learned to try to embrace that. When someone who has always been a part of your life is suddenly gone, it hurts. But they aren't always worth giving another chance when they show back up. When someone who used to be there and has been gone for years does come back, it can be a blessing. Whatever the case may be, second chances are earned, not guaranteed.

Something I strongly believe in? Making the right decisions based on how you feel. Being honest with your feelings and trusting your heart. Being open, letting people in, even sometimes after they've hurt you. I believe in being vulnerable with my heart, being less cautious and more willing to take risks. In playing with fire. In taking a flying leap. In jumping feet first. And most importantly, in being honest with myself.

"All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."

Question: 5 ways to win my heart?

I'm not sure if I have 5 requirements for someone to win my heart...I really just care about being treated well. But I guess, you can probably break that down into some criteria. What does it mean to be treated well?

Being treated well. It seems so simple, but the reality is, there are so many people out there who are incapable of being nice. There are people out there who are just mean. And not just men, but this goes for my family, friends I have (or have had), coworkers, just across the board there are people who don't have good intentions. And finding out who those people are is certainly a challenge. The older I get, and the more mentally healthy I am, the easier it is. But it is never a simple thing, recognizing someone you cared about as not a good person.

In my relationships, both romantic and otherwise, I want to be treated well. What 5 things does this break into?

1. Honesty. I want honesty. It is so hard to find genuine, true, sincere people out there, that when I do find that, I clutch to it. I have worked very hard to find that sincere honest in myself, but it is a quality I hold in high regard now, because I have learned that without it, a relationship of any kind, is bound to fail.
2. Support. I need to feel supported. Encouraged. Valued for my opinions. It seems so simple. But I cannot count the number of people in my life who are not supportive. I am undervalued and under appreciated in my workplace all the time. Half of my family does not support me. I have dated guy after guy who don't offer support or encouragement. And that doesn't work for me. When I have a crazy idea, as I often do, I need to have the support of my friends, family, boyfriend.
3. Compassion. I care about you. Care about me back.
4. Entertainment. Laughing is my favorite. I have never been someone who wants to sit at home night after night. I like to go out and have fun. I like to laugh, and to be social. And on another facet of that, I need the people in my life to be entertaining and fun and to make me laugh. Doesn't seem too difficult, right?
5. Passion. I guess passion really only applies to my romantic relationships, I don't need to make my girlfriends feel all mushy-gushy or try to make out with me, don't worry. But in a romantic relationship, I am very physical. I like to cuddle, I like to kiss, or to make out on the couch. I enjoy holding hands or feeling someone's arm around my waist. And you all know how I feel about the dirty texting at the end of a long day.

What it really comes down to is, I want the people in my life to be good to me. Value and support me. Love me. Be nice to me. Make me laugh, and give me reason to smile. Don't be afraid to kiss me in public or whisk me away for a whole day in bed. I deserve to be treated well; we all do. Whatever being treated well means for you, don't just hope for it...demand it.

"He's not my boyfriend, all I can give him is porn or liquor!"

It is no secret that I am a Christmas junkie. I love Christmas - I think it is the only reason I survive the blistering fucking cold every year. I enjoy getting together with my family, the hustle and bustle, the extra plans, late evenings, and the Christmas movies. I love the holiday traditions and being with my family...I would even go so far as to say I enjoy the Whitmore chaos on Christmas, even though I hate it on Thanksgiving.

One of my favorite things about Christmas, is shopping for the perfect gift for everyone on my Christmas list. Year after year, I purchase gifts for my mom, my dad, and my brother. I draw someone's name in the Stacey family to buy for, and I usually buy a gift for a baby or two (there are too many babies now for me to afford to shop for them all). Other than that, I buy for a charity, this year Toys for Tots, and then from there I just pick something up if I find the right thing for a friend or someone else in my family. But I do really pride myself in my ability to buy a great present for someone. I never give gift cards, and I never buy the standard I-didn't-know-what-else-to-get gifts...you know, pre-made bath baskets or pajamas. If I am buying you a present, you better believe I am going to put some better thought into it than that.

I am also not a last minute shopper, and usually pick up my first presents early in the fall. This is, I'm sure in part due to my obsessive compulsiveness, but does also have to do with my budget, which is not unlimited. Most of the time I need to spread gifts out over a couple of paychecks, so I start early. I shop with a list and with a budget, but I do tend to stray from both if there is just something that someone "has to have" while I am hitting the malls.

Christmas can, of course, make you question some of your relationships...will it be weird if I buy you a gift? What if I buy one and he doesn't, will that be weird? Are you gonna get weird if I don't buy you something? Or what if you're having all your girlfriends over for dinner and some of you are exchanging gifts and some of you aren't, is that ok? I know that these questions cause some people major anxiety during the holidays, and I am very glad that for the most part, it all just rolls off my shoulders. If I start to get stressed out over it, I try to just remind myself that Christmas is not about stress, nor do I need to have an agenda behind my holiday shopping. If I give you a gift, it is because I care about you and because I saw something that reminded me of you and I wanted to give it to you. Don't read into it, don't make it feel like now you owe me a gift too. I don't expect gifts just because I give gifts.

I love Christmas because it gives me the opportunity to show some of the great people in my life just how much happiness they bring to me during the year, and to remind them of how grateful I am for them.

Makes me wanna do a happy dance

Question: What makes you really happy? 

Small things make me happy. Small things that remind me I am being thought of. Small things that encourage me. Small things that support me or show me I am valued. Small things that are meant to make me laugh, or to smile. Small things, in my experience, end up being the biggest things of all.

Things that make me simply happy:
- Sleeping in
- Staying up late
- Snuggling
- Watching a good movie
- Kissing
- Being held
- Hearing I love you
- Receiving flowers. Especially delivered to work.
- Starting a new book.
- Finishing a good book.
- Juno. Just everything about her.
- Random texts
- Holidays
- Presents
- A good beer
- My friends. Being around them. Laughing with them. Crying with them.
- Live sporting events
- Falling in love
- Learning
- Baby laughs
- Unexpected phone calls
- Date nights
- Traveling
- Writing
- Ice cream
- Staying in jammies all day long
- Weekends
- The beach

There is an abundance of small, seemingly insignificant things in my life that make me happy. I am happiest when I feel valued and important, as well as supported and encouraged. I am happy when I travel, when I see a new place or experience a new activity. I am happy when I am needed, when someone calls me for support or encouragement. I am happy when  I am successful, as well as when I help someone else be successful. I am happy when I walk in the door at Stacey's house and Blake says, Ooooohhhh Auntie!!! as he jumps into my arms and squeezes me tight.

I think the most important lesson I have learned in the past 2 years is, that no matter what I do in my life, as long as I enjoy it and it makes me happy, then it is exactly what I should be doing. I don't need to always have a plan, it is ok to change my mind, to want something new or different, to sometimes just be unsure.

As long as I am happy, nothing else is really all that big of a deal.

When I grow up, I wanna be famous...

Question: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have been struggling with this for the last week or so, and I'm not really sure what brought it on or why it is on my mind, but I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

That's not exactly true. I know just what I want to be.

What I don't know is, what do I want to do as a career that will make me happier than the position I am in now, that will allow me to live the lifestyle I want to live, that will pay my bills, and that will not make me feel like I have hit a wall with nowhere to go. My job feels like a job, it does not feel like a career. I don't hate it, but I certainly have no passion for it. I enjoy it sometimes, and other times it makes me want to just call in sick. I don't want to be a Regional Manager, so I am at a point now where I wonder, what am I going to do from here? And at 30, that is a bit frightening, because I feel like I "should" have my shit a bit more together than that at my age. But I don't. And most of the time, I really am okay with my shit being not together. But other times, I get up in my head about the "shoulds" and get frustrated.

When I grow up, I want to be a writer. And I believe that I already am that. I write every day. I write this blog that anyone on the internet is welcome to read. I write in a journal at home, in which I hash out my deepest emotions as I attempt to work through them. And I am, officially, drafting what I hope will turn into a book that people actually pay to have hard copy of. I want to be a better writer. I want to be a writer who gets paid to write. But those goals aside, I am a writer. Now, how do I get people to give me money to write this blog every day? Or how do I convince someone that if only they will pay for my vacations, I will produce amazing travel articles? Even better.

When I grow up, I want to be the best, healthiest, happiest version of myself. I want to fall in love and be able to voice it, not be afraid of it. I want to be a challenge to someone, to be part of a happy picture and a happy life. I am a work in progress. Sometimes I need therapy, sometimes I need my friends, and sometimes I need nothing but a hug from my mommy. But sometimes I am a rock for someone else, and sometimes I push the limits of what I ever thought possible for myself and I find a new success.

I guess it doesn't really matter if I know the right job or the right career, as long as I know how to change what does not work for me or what is not making me happy. As I grow up, I learn more and more how to adapt, how to make changes, and how to embrace things that do make me happy, and those things that don't? I don't need them. And I can change them. I am never stuck, I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want, and when I grow up, I'll just be happy to be me.

"You have to be willing to get happy about nothing"

What am I thankful for this year? I think the shorter answer would be, what am I not thankful for...but that would be a very pessimistic piece of writing, so here goes...

I am thankful, just in general, for 2013. This year began on a high, ringing it in with vodka, champagne, and dirty board games with Kitty and Stu and their friends. And a then-boyfriend, but whatever. Not long into the year, a routine trip to the doctor left me having surgery, which clearly was not ideal, but did allow me to take 2 full weeks off of work and to spend some relaxing time at home doing nothing. From there I moved out of my condo in Clackamas and into a one bedroom on site at my new property...oh, 2013 started with a promotion as well! I lived there for a couple months, only to have our property put on the market; I spent most of this time working 70+ hours a week and thanking the universe that I had an amazing staff to keep me company. I moved back in with my parents for a short bit, then my cousin's dad was awesome enough to let me crash in his guest room for a couple months while I waited for job placement and found a new apartment. My company placed me in Aloha, and while I am not happy at the property, I am thankful to have been offered a position. I moved into my apartment just this month. So while 2013 has had several ups and downs, I have had nothing but love and support come my way from my friends and family, so what more could I possibly ask for?

I am thankful, as always, for my mama and my daddy. For their help, their love, their support. I know that every single time my brother or I moves out, they say we can never come back. But every single time my brother or I needs some support, they are there to let us back in. They let me bring my cat to terrorize their dog. They let us bring our boxes, they park outside while we take over their garage. I truly have amazing parents. I am lucky enough to have a mom who I enjoy grocery shopping with or talking to on the phone while I sit in traffic. I have a daddy who will never stop telling me to "drive careful" when I leave, even though my response is always, "nope." I am grateful that my dad will always worry about me, no matter how grown up or independent I become; he will always ask me when I last checked the oil in my car or if I am locking the front door at night. And I am grateful that my mom picks up my lunch tab sometimes when she knows I am on a tight budget but want to go out to a nice meal with her. Not all of my friends have had that love and support from their parents; when we were growing up, my house was the house my friends came to when they were fighting with their parents or when they ran away from home. I appreciated it in high school, but not the way that I appreciate it now. I know I am so lucky to have the mom and dad that I have.

I am thankful, of course and always will be, for another year cancer-free for my daddy. It has been several years now...since what, 2006/2007...and I still can't talk about it without getting a lump in the back of my throat. My mom said the other day that the reason we go through bad shit is so that when bad shit happens to other people, we can support them. And at first I just rolled my eyes. But my dad's older brother has just started chemo for cancer this last week, and after a conversation with his daughter, I think maybe my mom was right. I can't relate to how my uncle feels, nor can I relate to how his son feels, or his mom or his siblings. But I definitely understand exactly how my cousin Keri feels. I know just how hard it is to be the daughter of a daddy battling cancer. And while I wish my dad would have never had to fight the battle he did, I can definitely appreciate being able to have those conversations with Keri that maybe no one else would be able to, because I know how she feels, because I have been in her shoes. So hopefully she feels a little better knowing that her little cousin understands and empathizes with just what is going through her mind.

Christmas 2008

I am thankful for my extended family. This goes without saying; I love being a part of this big, crazy, loud, opinionated family. My cousins are my best friends and I wouldn't have that any other way. I love all of the babies and toddlers, love watching them grow, love playing with them and being around them. I appreciate my relationships with everyone that is still a member of my family, and I appreciate the lessons I have learned from those who are not part of my family anymore. I am grateful for the courage that some of us have shown in order to let go of our tumultuous pasts and for the trust we are rebuilding. I cherish the closeness, the bond, and the love that my family has for each other, and in the past 6 months I have truly been able to let go of so much anger and just appreciate what I do have in the family who is still around, and to just let go of those who have let go of me.

I am thankful for everyone who helped me while I was temporarily homeless. Especially Kitty and Thor's dad, Ole, because he let me live in his house while he was on a work trip for almost 2 months. I am grateful for Rachel, who let me sleep in her son's room and use her shower every day for 3 weeks, and cooked me dinner in exchange for making her a smoothie every morning. I am even more thankful that I now have a beautiful, warm, cozy apartment to call home. I love my apartment. I love that I hired movers and they loaded and unloaded my whole life in like an hour. I love that Rachel spent an entire day/evening helping me unpack while getting drunk on champagne and wine. I am grateful that I finally have a nice, clean space close to my friends, so they can come over for dinner, or for drinks, or for movies. I am so happy to be able to drop in at Rachel's while I am running errands because we live so close and that visiting Kattie is no longer a chore. I finally can afford to turn on the heat, pay for cable, rent a carport parking space, and grocery shop at Trader Joe's & Chuck's Produce instead of Winco. I appreciate those blessings so much, as I know that not everyone has the same luxuries.

I am thankful for the new friendships, relationships, and experiences I have had this year. The girls I have become friends with this year - Kattie, Rachel, Ashley, Bridgett - I feel like I have had forever. When I think about how close I am to them, how well they really do know me, and everything that I have shared with them, I can't believe I have only known each of them for a year. Each of them is so unique and there is something just very genuine about them that is so hard to find in female friends. Kattie has taught me so much about health and nutrition, but also how to maintain clarity and the desire to grow as a person. Kattie is one of those rare gems who is just so mellow, which I don't understand being the high strung maniac that I am. Being her friend slows me down, lets me think and experience life as it is actually unfolding, and I love her for that. And being friends with me likely gives her a headache...my brother said the other day that I move faster than anyone he has ever met. So true. Impossibly fast. And then there is Rachel, who lives in her Type A brain much like I do. I am fairly certain that "Call Rachel" is on my daily to-do list and that "Call Veronica" is on hers...but unlike normal people, we would actually write it down. Rachel and I thrive on lists and organization and being crazy, and we play off of each other in a way that somehow allows us both to CTFD (calm the fuck down). Bridgett and I could probably not be any different - except for that we both just like to go to lunch and talk about sex. So there's that. Bridgett and I start a lot of conversations with "well I know you're a lot more spiritual than me, but...." We're different. But the fact that we can have a conversation knowing that we don't believe the same things makes me truly appreciate these conversations, because it shows a level of respect that so many people don't have. I feel like with so many false or one-sided friendships I have experienced with girls, I finally have the sense of real girlfriends. And I appreciate each of them so much.

 I am thankful for the ability to truly let go and move on, to get mentally healthy, and to maintain my sense of independence this year. This one pretty much speaks for itself, but after a long couple of years spent recovering from a horrible relationship, and then failing at the first one out of the gate afterwards because I wasn't ready for it yet, being able to function with men this year is something I am really grateful for. I have learned to be up front, open, and vulnerable with the people I spend my time with. If someone doesn't keep my attention right off the bat, or if I can tell it isn't right, I don't waste time trying to push it. I have learned to go with the flow, to take my time, and to trust my heart. While I am single now, and have been for most of the year, I have finally learned to be happy and self sufficient, and I have confidence that I will be so much better and so much healthier in my next relationship. 

I am thankful, as I will be every year, for the love of Miss Juno. Everyone likes to tease me about Juno and how spoiled of a cat she is, but everyone also knows where she came from and knows that I believe with all of my being that she is what saved me from an abusive boyfriend who was literally isolating me from the world one day at a time. From the day she arrived on my front porch, Juno was all mine and no one else's, despite the 3 other people living under that roof. And after only 27 days, Juno and I moved out, never to second guess the decision. So while I understand that she is just a cat, and while I can laugh at myself for how ridiculous I am about her, I truly am grateful for her. And you can all make fun of me all you want for it, it doesn't bother me at all.

I am thankful for travel and for the trips I have taken - and will take - this year. I got to go to Arizona and Las Vegas this year to celebrate turning 30. While on that trip, I found out that Kitty was having a baby; it was an awesome start to our girls' weekend and I was so excited to hear such great news. I stayed with Jenny in Arizona and spent those few days relaxing, reading, sleeping late, and hanging out at her bar while she was working. I am grateful that Jenny and I have been able to roll back into our friendship after my past relationship tore it apart out of jealousy and, well, it doesn't matter why. What matters is that I abandoned my best friend and am extremely humbled that she was able to forgive me and move on from those issues knowing that what happened in 2010 was out of my control. Jenny has always been my best girlfriend, she has been the one I trusted when I didn't trust anyone else, and she shares my sense of adventure and is seriously the best person ever to travel with.

There are so many reasons for me to be thankful this year, I think I could spend another ten hours on this blog post. I am appreciative of all of the friends and family I have grown closer to this year. To everyone who has supported me and loved me through a hard couple of years and has stuck by my side as things continue to improve in my life. I feel like I am finally surrounded by people who I can trust and rely on, and people who give me the same level of love and support that I give to them. I am truly just so grateful for the life I have and the world I am a part of. Happy, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. 

My built-in best friends

Stacey's wedding day, 07/2010. 

Today's Topic: What was the best vacation you have ever had?

I have been lucky enough to have taken several big vacations in my adult life - first to Australia and then to the East Coast with Jenny, both shortly after graduating college. I loved everything about both of those trips (except for the 3rd member of the group on trip #2, but we just won't count that). We had fun, we tried new things - new foods, new drinks, new activities. We pushed our limits, we spent money, we got homesick, and we truly had amazing times.

While we were in Australia, we did things we had never done and will likely never do again. We went skydiving. We went snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef. We climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. We toured the Sydney Opera House and then saw an opera there. We slept in an airport and in a police station, went to several zoos, held koala bears and fed elephants. We ate Vegimite and drank Absinthe. It was truly a life changing adventure.

But when I sit back and list off the trips I have taken throughout my life, even the small local ones, I remember that the best trip I ever took was to Sun River with the Stacey girls when we were in high school. I would never have recognized it at the time as the best trip of my life; it was a long weekend with the 5 of us guzzling Mike's Hard Lemonade. I had a broken leg and couldn't go swimming or ride bikes. I was on crutches. Drunk, on crutches. LaDonna was only 14, how much fun could we have been having??

The most fun, ever. Obviously.

That weekend in Sun River started out with a bang, when we called up our older cousin and asked him to please do us a solid and buy us some Mike's Hard Lemonade. Thinking we were incredibly sneaky, we met him at the school down the road and filled backpacks with bottles of Mike's throwing out the cardboard package evidence. We hit the road and were in Sun River, popping open drinks, the next afternoon. Obviously our parents knew the whole time, mostly because Phill ratted us out to his dad, who of course made fun of us with our moms. But we sure thought we'd gotten away with something.

Kitty in Sun River

We spent the weekend playing games, drinking, and at the pool. Kitty cut LaDonna's hair, 2 of us went streaking on the golf course late at night, I walked around and broke the heel out of my cast, and we met a complete stranger while "shoulder tapping" for more booze. We ate at Shari's with a group of boys we'd never met, went to the mall where the girls pushed me around in a wheelchair, and we practiced road rage with a psychopath on the highway. It was your typical, teenage girl road trip - bitch beers, snacks, gossip, and laughing.

At the pool, all 5 of us

The truth is, though, that from that year on, the 5 of us were really starting to be different. We were all teenagers. 2 of us had already graduated high school and were about to start college. One of us was a freshman. The age and life experience gap in our relationships would soon grow. Eventually, one of us would move to Phoenix, then get married and move to Alabama and now Tennessee. All but one of us would have babies and start families within 5 years. One of us would move in with a boyfriend and eventually would fall on the other 4 of us for support to get through the experience. We would travel to see each other, take other small weekend beach trips, but this one was the best one. Why? Because there was nothing in the way of us simply enjoying each other's company and having a great time for a few days.

I think most everyone knows that Stacey, Kitty, DeLaina and LaDonna have been the 4 most important people in the world to me my entire life. The best thing about my huge family is the built-in best friends - I don't know anyone else who has 5 girls, all the same age, in their family. We have taken multiple trips together, have been in weddings together, have fought, have made up, have cried together. We have loved, valued, encouraged and supported each other. We have grieved the enormously overwhelming loss of both of our grandparents together. We lost our dear Aunt Carmen together. We have welcomed babies into the world and into the family together. And while we are now 5 very distinct, opinionated, very unique personality types, these 4 girls are still my very best friends. We don't always see eye to eye, we sometimes argue and occasionally fight. We see each other less and don't travel together without babies these days. But I cannot imagine my life without the 5 of us being together.

Spaghetti Night at the cottage, 2011

Cannon Beach, January 2012

So despite my innate desire to travel, to get on airplanes and jet set to some amazing destination, to see the world, and to experience life in other countries, and while I have been so lucky to have seen the east coast of Australia from top to bottom, the best trip I ever took was a weekend in Sun River with Stacey, Kitty, DeLaina and LaDonna. Before any of us had bad relationships, got married, had babies, or grew apart. While we were just innocently the very best of friends, playing cards and drinking together.

Swimming at Aunt Kate's cabin

Camping at the cabin

LaDonna's 1st drinking experience..."I just wanna DIE!!"

I am thankful every day for my relationship with each of the Stacey girls, and have grown to appreciate my solo time with each of them just as much as I love the rare moment where we are all 5 in one room together. My relationship with each of them is different now that we are adults, but that's to be expected. Afterall, we are 5 distinct, very different women. I appreciate so much that I can always count on Stacey to give me advice and talk me off the ledge, and that Kitty is the one to join me on some last-minute adventure. I love sitting at the beach house just chatting away with DeLaina, and LaDonna gives me an excuse to buy a plane ticket whenever I need a cheap vacation to scratch that travel itch. 

And it makes perfect sense that we are the friends we are. Afterall, look where we came from...

Thor's wedding day, 2010: Our beautiful moms/aunts

Grandma & Grandpa. The start of it all

TGIF...so I can watch my favorite shows!

I decided to turn my 30 day Single Woman blog challenge into a 15 day challenge because, well, a lot of the posts that are left are lame...like, to talk about a time you were mad/jealous over one of your married friends, or would you ever go on a reality dating show? Please, those are dumb. New challenge time.

Day 1: What show from your childhood would you love to bring back?

 

 

TV when I was younger was so much better than TV now. I sound like a super old lame-o when I say this, but I do believe that part of what is wrong with the kids in the world today is the shit that they watch on TV. I mean really, think about it...what's on TV now for a girl in junior high to watch? The Kardashians. Teen Mom. 16 and Pregnant. Real World. Snooki & JWow. Jerseylicious. The Bachelor/ette. Real Housewives of one of 87-odd locations.

Don't get me wrong, I watch a lot of this trash on Sunday nights when I'm home alone in my jammies. But I am 30, not 14. I am not a young impressionable kid who walks away from these shows thinking I am not rich enough, not smoking hot enough, not dumb enough to land a man.

My favorite thing about Fridays as a "tween" was the TGIF lineup on, what, Channel 2? It kept me home on Friday nights, usually with a friend or two over to eat popcorn and catch up on the lives of some of our favorite characters: Corey and Topanga, Steve Urquell and Laura Winslow, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the Cosby kids. Instead of begging my mom to let us go out and do whatever it is that 14 year olds do to get in trouble (have sex, smoke pot, drink cheap liquor), we were home, where our parents were, eating popcorn and drinking soda, watching TGIF before staying up half the night giggling and talking.

In addition to giving kids something to do at home on a Friday night, these shows were just better. Better written, better acted, just better. Reality TV drives me crazy. I loved knowing that next week, I'd have the resolution to the big cliffhanger of my shows from this week, and I often cried at the season or series finales of my favorite shows.

If I could bring back any shows from my childhood, I'd want to bring back Full House, The Cosby Show, Boy Meets World, and Step by Step. Classics. I still love watching reruns of these old shows when TBS does marathons. Because I am that big of a dork. But sometimes they are a nice break from reality shows!

Glad you could make it to my future

Today's topic: Write a letter to your future partner, saying whatever you want to say.

Well, if you are my future partner, you've probably heard (and accepted) everything I should be warning about you, so that's awesome - thank you, future partner, for falling in love with me, and for contining to love me.

Chances are, I will write letters to the future love of my life, because I love to write letters. Whether I send them or leave them in place in my journal  - yes, people, in addition to this blog, I also do actually keep a handwritten journal, because I am apparently addicted to writing - I enjoy writing letters. Letters just seem so much more personal than emails or texts. Maybe it's because there are actual pen strokes, or because chances are there are spelling mistakes that auto correct didn't fix for me, or because it takes a long time to write a letter, plus 40-something cents and a walk to the mailbox to get a letter sent, while it takes literally no effort to send an email.

There are several things that the future man in my life should know, and I assume that if in the future, he's still with me, I've told him what they are. And apparently he's ok with them, so that's good...

Dear Guy in my Future,
I don't want to have kids. I'm too selfish for kids. That sounds bad, but it really isn't. What I mean is, I like money, and I like spending it on myself. I don't want to buy diapers and formula and a crib and bottles, when I can buy plane tickets and book hotels and massages instead. I just don't think I was made with that little ticking time bomb some women have that ticks away til the day you get pregnant. I was instead born with an inate drive to see the world, to travel, to fly, to adventure. And, future-man-who-loves-me, I truly do hope we are traveling together, seeing the world from each other's arms, and having lots of sex in the fancy hotels we're booking rooms in.

I don't cook. Sorry. If I can't make it in a toaster, a blender, or a crock pot, you're out of luck. I had ice cream for dinner last night, and I eat Cheerios for lunch on the weekends. I can't cook and I don't like food enough to learn to be better at it. Chances are, I've made you pancakes and bacon a few times when I'm trying to get lucky, and I will always bake you a cake for your birthday, but please do know that no, I did not make it from scratch.

Juno is a permanent fixture, both in my house and in my bedroom. She does what she wants, sleeps where she wants, and I turn the heat up just for her, even when I'm not cold. I don't care if you don't like cats, are allergic to her, or think she is annoying; she is mine and she will be a known presence until she dies. And when that day comes, I will be devastated. Thank you, future guy, for understanding where Juno came from and why she has a special spot in my heart that makes me think it's funny when she bites you.

I am independant and hard-headed, but I bet you already know that. I celebrate holidays and love to shower my loved ones with affection on their birthday (for a whole week). I like family time, date nights, and I don't wear pants around the house. I deserve - and demand - respect, attention, and quality time. Little things are important, but I do enjoy the grand gesture, too. I suffer from incredible PMS, at which times it is best to just stay away from me, because everything you do will make me scream or cry, sometimes both. I cry at movies, I love to read, and I will probably at some point in our lives together, drag you to a therapist, because I really believe in it. I am a great girlfriend, so I assume I'll be a decent wife as well. I leave cards and notes, I love to get flowers, and I crave physical contact. I like kissing and cuddling and sex, all as often as possible.

If we've made it to the point where you're the man of my future, you probably already know and understand all of what I just wrote. So mostly, please just continue to love me for just the woman I am, even though parts of me are quite eccentric.

Don't call me a cow, or I won't give you the milk.

Today's topic: What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

Well...I don't really have any spiritual beliefs, which allows me to act a bit slutty without any concern that I'm going to hell.

End blog.

Kidding.

To be fair, I was raised in a Catholic church and even went to a Catholic high school, where we prayed every morning, went to services, took Religion classes every semester, and where I learned that I do not, in fact, believe in most anything taught by the Catholic church. While many of my classmates were studying the Bible in class, I was passing notes to boys. Or about boys. On Sundays, when a lot of students were at church, I was sleeping off the tequila and orange juice I drank on Saturday night. Don't get me wrong, I was a good student. But I was also the one who debated, instead of obeyed, my Relgious Studies teacher. Mostly because I wanted to be a teenage ass hole, but also because I didn't buy into the brainwashing.

In high school, it was wrong to question. Teachers got mad if we asked why or how something had happened or was possible. Our sex ed class consisted of the "do not have sex or you will die" agenda. We were expected to be against abortion, to be virgins, to be complacent. We were told what to do and how to think, and to question it was inappropriate. My parents, thankfully, have always encouraged me to question, debate, educate, and make my own decisions. And trust me when I say, I deeply appreciate that.

From the ripe old age of 16, I have taken birth control pills. I am not a virgin. I do not have a husband. I am very liberal. I am also very, very pro-choice. I enjoy sex for purposes other than procreation. I *gasp* masturbate and don't worry about being damned for it. I think teenagers should have access to condoms in school. I do not believe in abstinence-only education, but rather in sex education. Plus, church is boring.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I do not believe in God. It is more of an agnostic point of view, where I'm unsure of what my beliefs really are. Do I believe in God? I don't really know. Do I practice organized religion? No, most definitely not. Do I pray? Nope. Do I worship the devil? No, not usually. If I were ever to set foot in church again, it would certainly not be a Catholic one, much to my grandmother's dismay. I won't get married in a Catholic church. Or in any other church most likely either. I occassionally worry that a church will ignite should I ever enter one, but that hasn't happened yet, so that's good. But in all seriousness, I just don't have a firm belief in anything specific, and while I can understand and appreciate those of you who do, I also expect you to understand and appreciate that I do not.

 

I have never really thought that my beliefs - or lack thereof - would play any sort of role in my relationships, but the reality is, I wouldn't get far in a relationship with someone who didn't want to have sex with me, who wanted me to attend a church service, or who was pro-life. The reality is, there are some things that are huge issues, and until you're more adult, looking for someone to spend a life with as opposed to a month with, they maybe don't matter. When I was in my early 20's, I didn't give a shit if a guy I was dating was anti-abortion or believed in Heaven and the ways you get there, because I wasn't looking for a life partner at 20. Now that I am older and I tend to not date guys who don't have any hope for the future, it matters. Because I couldn't spend my life with a man who thought he had any right to an opinion on women's reproductive health. Or a man who wouldn't have sex with me til we got married in a church. Um no, that won't work for me. I prefer to get the milk for free before I buy a cow...or however that incredibly sexist and demorialzing statement goes.

So I guess now that I am older, wiser, looking for an actual long term relationship with some staying power, these things do matter. Whether a man supports a woman's right to choose or not is very important. Someone's ability to understand sex education as an important contributor to our future generation is important. His understanding that if by some accidental force of nature I do end up parenting a child, said child will be raised with ALL of the facts, not just the keep-it-in-your-pants ones. And kids or no kids, there are certain things I believe in that are, by definition, deal breakers.