Are you scared? Good. That means you're doing something right.

Fear. You know, that feeling of intense anxiety that creeps up your body from the floor when you are faced with something you don't want to do. Something you're scared of. Something that makes you nervous or uncomfortable. Fear can be a relatively challenging emotion to deal with, because it can often be all consuming.

I have focused the last half of 2013 on facing my fears, specifically those on the emotional level. For the first time ever, I find myself expressing sincere emotion to my family, friends, guys I'm interested in, guys I'm not interested in. Gone are the days that I bottle up the way I feel or leave things out of conversation so as not to have to delve too far into my feelings.

This is not to say that I have been, by any means, dishonest or a liar throughout my life. I'm honest. I always tell the truth. But you can tell the truth without expressing your deepest feelings of things that make you uncomfortable. And I am trying my damndest to not do that. To not keep things on a surface level. To be truly sincere in what I do.

The results have been amazing. I have stronger relationships, deeper friendships, and overall I am just more content and happy because I can go to bed at night knowing that I was genuine with the people around me.

When you tell someone the blunt honest truth about something, they really can't argue with you about it. You've been sincere, and there's not really anywhere else to go from there. Example? You can turn down a date in an "I'm busy" type manner, in an attempt to spare someone's feelings, but they will likely then just ask you out again at a time where you are less busy. You are then face to face with the same scenario - the one where you don't want to be mean but you don't want to date this person. Wouldn't it have just been better to say in the first place, hey I have to be totally honest and tell you that I'm not interested in more than a casual friendship? It may feel awkard at first, but it saves everyone time and energy, and in the end is the better thing to do.

Being honest about my feelings has always been a challenge for me; well, maybe not being honest necessarily, but expressing my feelings vocally. I have a hard time saying out loud what my feelings are, especially when it means a serious conversation must take place. What I have learned this year by practicing, by making it a focal point, is that it becomes easier and easier the more you do it. The more time I spend in meaningful conversation, the more time I spend expressing that I do deeply care about someone, the less often that I say those awful little sentences like "I'm fine," the better things are.

In the same regard, how many things have you missed out on because you are scared? Because you're nervous or uncomfortable? I have made an effort to not skip out on things, to not let fear hold me back from branching out, from trying something new, from accepting a date or a challenge or a project at work. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe I fail, maybe I trip, maybe there's nothing there between me and said date. But at least I tried. I stood up and forged ahead with something (or someone) that made me nervous.

Moving into 2014, what could you be doing differently to embrace your life, to follow your heart? What fears could you be facing?

Viva!! Viva las Vegas...and them Viva a bunch of other places!

Didn't I say 2014 was going to be a year of go, go, go for me? I think I did. And if I didn't say it, I at least thought it in my head.

Here we are, 5 days to the end of 2013, and I have already booked my first vacation of 2014! Kattie and her sisters and I are off to Vegas the 3rd week of January for a long weekend. I can't wait! I haven't met her sisters, but they seem like a good group of girls, and obviously I love Kattie, and I clearly love Vegas, so here I go! We fly in at about 10am on Saturday, and home at 8pm on Tuesday...both of my flights are with Kattie, and we're meeting her sisters there. Can't wait!

Jenny and I have also made two big plans: Europe in July 2014 and Brazil in February, 2015. Lots to plan for there! We are leaning towards Paris, London, and Amsterdam in July...July 14th is Bastille Day in France and I would love to be there during that time, so we'll see what happens with that. And then we're shooting for Carnival in Rio de Janeiro, which is the 5 days before Fat Tuesday. So fun!

All that Ho Ho Ho and Mistletoe

Sometimes you just need a simple reminder that Christmas is the time of year to be happy. Whether it has been an easy year or a difficult one, there is always someone out there who wants to make you happy, who wants to bring a little joy your way.

I had a hard holiday season this year. I struggled to remember why we were even having Christmas. I was missing my grandparents, missing the Stacey family Thanksgiving, dreading the Whitmore family everything. I was feeling very Grinchy. And then I just decided to do a few little things to remind myself of what really matters. I baked cookies for my dad. I watched Home Alone. I filled a stocking with toys for Juno. I set up a Toys for Tots donation bin at work and collected over 100 toys between myself and several other property teams. I ordered cake pops & Christmas cards for my residents. I shopped with friends. I listened to Christmas music while sitting in holiday rush hour traffic. I had girl's night at my place. I had Blake over for a slumber party. I helped Rachel with Zap the Elf and forced Santa down her son's throat for a month when he started doubting. I sneaked a bag of gifts to my friend's front porch this morning to his son, from Santa.

And it worked. I'm excited. I'm ready to celebrate with my mom & dad and my little brother. I am even almost a little bit not dreading dinner with the Whitmores tomorrow night.

Sometimes you just need to be reminded of what Christmas is all about. If I made you even a little bit happier this week, I have done what I set out to do. If I bought you a gift or made you laugh, if I thought fondly of you or sent you a card. If I texted or called you, or had you over to my house, you have helped make my Christmas better. Merry Christmas to all of you. To my family and friends, and to the people who I am so grateful to for reading my blog every day. Merry Christmas!

Can I get a ticket on the longest flight you have available?

I need to go on vacation.

Yes, I know I just had a week off work. That's not what I mean. I mean, a real vacation. The kind where you use all your vacation at once, where your employees and your boss couldn't get a hold of you no matter how hard they tried, where you have to get on at least one airplane. The kind where you have to take your passport with you and your cell phone doesn't work. The kind where the time zone changes or you lose a whole day in the sky crossing the date line, where you don't speak the language, where you have to pack every single touristy thing into that one vacation because it cost you so much to fly there, you know you'll never be back.

I need Australia, Part Two.

But not Australia. Somewhere new.

I need Germany. Or France. Or Greece or Italy. Or England or Ireland or the Bahamas. I need an ocean between me and my house. I need a stamp in my passport, a backpack instead of a suitcase, a dingy hostel and a guidebook. Fuck, I NEED another life-changing travel experience.

I need Jenny Collins to be reading this post.

I have not left the country since 2006. Unacceptable! On December 20, 2006 we were in Australia, about halfway through a 4 week trip. We had already snorkeled in the Great Barrier Reef, went skydiving on a beach, and gotten sun burns to rival all other sun burns. We were having the best time ever. I miss that. I miss the adventure.

The question is, where to go from here?

2014 is shaping up to be one of those years where I do nothing but save money in hoards to spend on vacations. Where I work two jobs and keep tips from the serving one in a jar under my bed, where I count down the days to flights. Australia happened 7 years ago. I was only, what, 23? I was still in college, making minimum wage, working 30 hours a week...and I made it happen. I now earn more than double what I made then, I work full time, and I am much more responsible than I was at 23. There is nothing to stop me.

Goodbye America, I will be...well, somewhere else.

"I made my family disappear!" - Kevin McCallister

It seems that the majority of my blogging friends and family have posted some pretty Scroogey blogs this week, explaining why they are not looking forward to Christmas this year. For some reason or another, the general consensus this year seems to be, bah humbug.

For the most part, I have not felt that - I went to the tree farm with my family, I bought and wrapped presents, and have been watching my traditional favorite holiday flicks (Home Alone and Home Alone 2). I got out my decorations, decorated a tree in my dining room, and put gifts under it. I hung my stocking, filled Juno's stocking with toys & treats, and am overall enjoying the holiday season.

That said, I am dreading Christmas day. Scratch that, Christmas afternoon. 

My mom's side of the family has begun a tradition of celebrating together on the Sunday before Christmas. Perfect. Love that. It allows us to slow down and spend more time together, as opposed to Christmas morning, when we all have 7 million other places to be. So that's this Sunday. I can't wait. I bought everything I need for deviled eggs, and will make them Saturday while I likely watch Miracle on 34th Street and It's A Wonderful Life. I wrapped my Stacey Family gifts and am looking forward to the time with my family. 

Christmas Eve, I will most likely sleep over at my mom and dad's, as I usually do. We will watch Christmas movies and eat popcorn, and I'll sleep out in the living room by the tree. This is a tradition rarely broken that has taken place since forever. I look forward to it every year, and this year is no different.

Christmas morning, I'll wake up and we'll do Santa presents, just me, Tony, my mom and my dad. Santa already bought me a laptop, so I will unwrap the empty box happily. We will drink mimosas and do a German toast that our dear friends Julie and Toby taught us. We will eat bacon and eggs for breakfast off my mom's fancy Christmas dishes, and we'll spend the morning in our jammies, while my dad may or may not go fishing. 

Christmas afternoon, I have to go to the W's Christmas. In the past 5-ish years, I've looked forward to this party less and less, as my family continues to dwindle. I feel less like this is family and more like it is people I can't stand spending time with. I realize that this is a harsh statement, but it is how I feel nonetheless. And this year, Karen is not coming home from Minnesota. Laura is going to Kansas. Keri won't be back from Colorado. Carolyn is spending it at home. So my support system won't be there. 

I am dreading Christmas with the W family to the degree that I have gone back to counseling. No one should dread a family dinner the way that I am dreading this one. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist, and I made the appointment specifically because I don't want to spend Christmas with my dad's family, with whom I have shared the last 29 Christmas dinners. 

The more I connect with my cousin Spring, the more I talk with Karen and Laura about things in our childhood (and adulthood), the more I feel a disdain for some members of my family, the more I want to distance myself. Are there good people on my dad's side of the family? Yes, of course. But is there a trace of evil? Absolutely. And for the first time in my life, I am in a place emotionally where all of the good is not making up for all of the bad, and I just want to stay in my jammies at my mom's all day. I am longing for one of those years where we opened Santa presents and then played with toys all day, and then anxiously went over to Aunt Barbara's house for more of the same. And this just ain't it anymore. 

I skipped Thanksgiving this year because I was feeling this way. I told my mom I would not skip Christmas, even though I want to. Instead, I will likely drink a lot of vodka on my mom's sofa in the middle of the day to mentally prepare. I'm sure that one of these years, when I no longer have a living grandparent to spend Christmas with, I will look back on this and feel guilty. But the reality is, I feel the way I feel. I feel anger and resentment over many things that have taken place within the walls of this family, and I can only deal with it at my own pace, in my own way, in the office of a licensed therapist who tells me I am not the crazy one.

You know...ya fill your cart at Costco, and you don't need to go back tomorrow!

Baggage? I think it is safe to say that we all have baggage.

The amount of baggage we carry with us from one relationship to the next is obviously dependent on the relationship we are leaving behind, but we all have it to some degree. And the baggage we carry with us when we leave a relationship will inevitably play a role in how cautious we are progressing into our next one. If you were burned, cheated on, abused, or otherwise mistreated, you're likely to have more and heavier baggage. You're less likely to dive head first, more likely to test the waters. You're more likely to question, to think twice, and less likely to be vulnerable. The question is, are you letting your baggage ruin something great before it even takes off?

The thing with baggage is, much like a heavy suitcase being toted behind you in the airport, it can really slow you down. It affects the way you think, the way you move forward, the way you stand still, and the way you trust. It is there, heavy and reminding you to take it slow so you don't get hurt, to close yourself off so nobody burns you. It is there to remind you that what you should do, right away, before your heart gets attached, is sabotage yourself.

In a conversation with my dear friends Ashley and Oryan yesterday, about new relationships and moving forward from old ones, Oryan put it in great perspective. He said, "starting a new relationship so soon after one ends is like, a really good day at the gym...you're all in, you have a kick-ass heavy leg day, you are sweaty and intense...and then you need the next couple of days off, away from the gym."

He could not have put my thoughts into any better analogy. That's it! When you are carrying around baggage from your past relationships, you may take a couple of leaps forward...but then you slide backwards. Example? You're starting to see someone new, things are moving along, and then they introduce you to their best friends. You freak out, and you don't text or call them for a couple days. And that's fine. You're scared. You're worried. You're being bogged down with all those suitcases full of bull shit.

Baggage happens. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and now you're afraid to be too vulnerable. Maybe your partner hit you, and now you're afraid of being too dependent. Perhaps your parents got an ugly divorce and now you're afraid of commitment. It's possible that you picked up some of your best friend's baggage when they had an ugly break up. However it looks for you, it's certainly there.

We all have baggage. The question is, are you being honest about what you're carrying with you? Are you looking this new person in the face and saying, ya know what, I need to take this slow. I like you, I'm into you, you're amazing...but I gotta slow down. Are you being honest with this new person, or are you playing games? Baggage has a funny way of looking like a game, of sabotaging things for you, even making you look like an ass hole. So think about it for a minute. Who is in charge here, you, or the bags you're carrying?

If you're not the one in charge, maybe it is time to do something differently.

Some people go to college for 8 years...but they're doctors.

Question: How important is education to you?

Vitally important.

The topic of higher education is one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am frustrated in my career and don't know if I am really doing what I want to do forever. Or until I have enough money to retire, you know, the day before I die. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate what I do. But I don't love it either. And when I am frustrated at work, I inevitably start thinking about school, and why I have not yet pursued my Master's degree.

I graduated from Portland State after summer term in 2007, after my dad had cancer and I almost flunked out of college. Literally. In order to graduate on time, after royally fucking up spring term, I took 30 credits in one summer. It was hard; all I did was work and go to class. I was in class 5 days a week from 8:00-5:00 and spent Saturdays online doing homework or taking an online course. 30 credits is insane. But I did it, and I actually got the best GPA of my academic career that term.

My degree is in Writing. I did not choose that degree based on the enormous job market for talented writers. I chose that degree because I believed I should follow my passion in school, not a job. I still believe I made the right choice, despite slim pickings for careers as: Writer, and despite the look I get from people when I say I have a writing degree. A what? What's that?

In the past year, my desire to go back to school has grown, but I am at a bit of a crossroads as far as what to do about it. My dream career, much to everyone's confusion, is to be an elementary school librarian. It is what I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. And in order to get that job, I have two school path options.

Option 1: Get my teaching license. This would take about 2 years, during which they encourage you not to work full time, and during which you have to do student teaching...and as electives, you take the courses in Library Media so that upon graduation, I would have a teaching license for elementary education with a Library Media specialty.
Option 2: Get a Masters degree in Library Media. This would allow me to work in any library out there - except a public school. So while I would still be eligible to teach library in a grade school, I would limit myself to private schools.

To me, Option 2 seems to be the better choice, as I have literally zero desire to be a classroom teacher. I don't want to take the teaching classes, I want to focus on the library media classes; I don't want what I am passionate about to be my electives...that's like making your passion what you minor in, as opposed to what you major in. But the schools that offer Library Media as a Master's degree option are very limited. Portland State, University of Portland, and Washington State - the closest schools to home - do not offer the program. Option 2 would likely require me to relocate for a year or two, to Eugene or La Grande, or to Seattle.

Now here's the kicker. Graduate school is, obviously, expensive. On my staycation this past week, I spoke with two advisers - one from Portland State, and one from Emporia State (a school in Kansas that offers the Library Media program at PSU as a completely satellite program). The adviser at Portland State told me that the job of my dreams - Librarian - is not a growing career choice and that I will not likely find a position where I am not required to teach in a classroom as well, and suggested that the teaching route was the only way to go. The adviser in Kansas, however, told me that while most Oregon districts require a teaching degree, Washington districts don't and neither do private schools. She said that it is in no way a dying career choice.

What do I want to do? I want to enroll in the Emporia State program, as it is mostly online, with one Friday night and Saturday all-day class per month that takes place on Portland State's campus. But the problem there is, I do not live in Kansas and would therefore be paying out of state tuition for a master's degree...$30,000 roughly for the 2 year program. Are you kidding me, that's nuts!

I am not surrendering yet; I am looking into the other Oregon universities and will likely speak with several more advisers before I decide on anything. But it is out there, the conversations and the thoughts.

I am like, 3 days from a pros & cons list, you all can already see it coming, I'm sure.

Follow your heart...you know, to the couch

Question: What does your daily routine look like? Bullet point your day.

Generally, I get up at 6:15AM and am on the go in traffic, in my office, in traffic the other way, and home. 5 days a week. And that is stupid for a blog post, so thankfully I was on vacation this week.

My original vacation plans were to meet up with Jenny in San Francisco, but that didn't end up working out; I still took the week off work though, since I haven't had a vacation recently and was maxed out on PTO accrual. I made the conscious choice to do as little as possible, and I certainly succeeded.

I literally did nothing for 5 days. In my head, I was going to get my hair done, work out, take Juno to the vet for shots, get an oil change, blah blah blah...but in reality, I did not do shit.

Alright, that isn't true. I did things. But I only did fun or relaxing things, and I only left the house if it was not a rush hour time of day, because I was determined not to deal with traffic for 5 days.

Bullet points huh? Easy enough...here's what I did for 5 days while not working, and not thinking about work in the slightest:
* Mostly didn't wear pants. At least not around my house.
* Slept in.
* Stayed in bed watching Netflix after waking up, instead of rushing to the shower.
* Stayed up super late. One night til 4:00 in the morning.
* Looked at grad schools (more to come on this topic later) online.
* Had an amazing dinner date with Adelle at our spot...CPK. Dinner included 3 raspberry lemon drops.
* Rented my 1st Redbox movies.
* Became a Redbox addict.
* Took my first shot of fireball. And did not enjoy it.
* Kissed. Cuddled. Slept over. And did not have to wake up in the morning.
* Hung out with Rachel and Kattie. A whole lot.
* Took lunch to Rachel because I needed to laugh.
* Finished my Christmas shopping.
* Got a Christmas "fern."
* Went to the Christmas tree farm with Oskar and Blakey. And their parents.
* Cooked dinner for a friend. And had a heart to heart.
* Baked cookies.
* Watched Charlie Brown.
* Watched Home Alone AND Home Alone Two.
* Spoiled Juno.
* Wrapped Christmas presents.
* Texted a lot.
* Found a new therapist. And made an appointment.
* Hung out with my cousin Spring for the first time in over 10 years.
* Laid on the couch.

I think time off is a vital part of life for me, and I can't succeed without the time to recharge. This was the first time I have taken a vacation where literally no one from work bothered me. Everyone took care of my office and things turned out fine, and even though I was bummed to not get to see Jenny, I now have a flight credit for later this year and I'm confident I'll get to see her sooner than later. And having a staycation is something I have never done before, but was very good for my emotional stability.

Now I am ready to work tomorrow, then it is my weekend. Perfect!

The best relationship in the world, is the one you have with your favorite book

Question: A book you love?

Just one? I have to pick just one?

I am an avid reader and I love books. I love bookstores and libraries, ordering books on Amazon and the anticipation of starting a new one. I love curling up on the couch with a new book, in front of the fireplace, with Juno at my feet.

While doing some little kid Christmas shopping this year, I got to thumb through several of my childhood favorites, and it just makes me feel good. Reading stories with Blake is my favorite way to spend time with him, even though most of the time he just runs around the room talking while I read the book out loud. I buy books for kids because I want them to love reading like I do, to love books as much as they enjoy their toys.

I really don't think I have one single favorite book. In fact I know I don't. What are a few of my most favorite books:

- Madeline. Yes, the children's book about 12 little girls in 2 straight lines...and the smallest one, was Madeline. I love to read this book to my favorite baby girls. I love the rhythm, the story, the sketches, and her little outfit. Love it.
- There's a Monster at the End of This Book. With Grover from Sesame Street begging on every page that the reader just go away and not let the monster out. Blakey and I love reading this book together, and it always just makes me giggle.
- Ramona Quimby, Age 8. I've blogged about Beverly Cleary as my idol before, and about Ramona. Ramona is, I can say with certainty, my favorite character ever written.
- Sarah's Key. I have a strange love of books about the Holocaust and Nazi Germany. This one is one of the best ever.
- The Help. A touching novel about what happens when people come together to just kick ass and make a difference.
- Water for Elephants. I've read it 3 times in the past 2 years. Just a great book.
- My Year With Eleanor. I just recently read this one. It is a memoir, written by a journalist who quits her job to spend 365 days living her life to the fullest, doing one thing every single day for an entire year that she is afraid to do. One of my favorite quotes, one of the best books, most inspiring, I have ever read.

I love books. In fact, I just finished another great one, a memoir called Loose Girl (read it) and am starting Orange is the New Black. I love vacations because then all I have to do is read. I once read all 3 Huger Games books in a 3 day weekend from work, and last year I read all 3 Fifty Shades books on just my 2 days off. If I didn't have to work, I'd never do anything but read books.

Oh you want another chance? Sorry, I'm all out of those

Question: What's something you feel strongly about?

I'm a Whitmore, I feel strongly about everything.

I am my dad's daughter. I don't have mild opinions or thoughts, nor are my feelings usually moderate. If I have an opinion on something, it is a strong opinion - that's just how I am genetically put together. I don't tend to have a "meh, whatever" take on things. I believe strongly. I jump into things with both feet, I don't test the waters first. I fall hard, I love hard, and I hurt hard.

To answer the question, one thing I feel strongly about - especially lately - is that sometimes, people do deserve another chance. And I feel equally as strongly that sometimes, they just don't.

Not everyone deserves another chance after they hurt you. There are people in my life who have continued to repeat hurtful behaviors, who have continuously said or done things that have caused me pain or have broken my heart. People don't always deserve forgiveness. That's my strong opinion.

And on the opposite end of the spectrum, are the people who have hurt you, or have hurt your family, or who have simply vanished from your world, who come back in with a genuine effort, or a sincere apology, and these people - in my strong opinion - deserve to be forgiven.

More often than not, I do think that most people deserve another chance after they've hurt you. But not always. Not if they aren't sorry, or if they aren't sincere or genuine. Not if they continue the same hurtful behavior of if they don't learn from their mistake.

People come in and out of your life for a reason. At this point, I've learned to try to embrace that. When someone who has always been a part of your life is suddenly gone, it hurts. But they aren't always worth giving another chance when they show back up. When someone who used to be there and has been gone for years does come back, it can be a blessing. Whatever the case may be, second chances are earned, not guaranteed.

Something I strongly believe in? Making the right decisions based on how you feel. Being honest with your feelings and trusting your heart. Being open, letting people in, even sometimes after they've hurt you. I believe in being vulnerable with my heart, being less cautious and more willing to take risks. In playing with fire. In taking a flying leap. In jumping feet first. And most importantly, in being honest with myself.