My son will be two tomorrow. We’re late to the baby game; most of the kids who have called me Auntie over the years are approaching double digits, about to be preteens. And since the first of them was born (15-ish years ago), I’ve had one Auntie Rule: I only attend first birthday parties. That’s it. There are so many kids in my family that if I attended everyone’s parties, all I’d ever do is sit at Wunderland and eat at Chuck E. Cheese – two places that make me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol and jump off the side of a building. So, you get me at your baby’s first birthday, where I’ll photograph cake smashes and bring fun presents; and then I don’t want to be invited to another birthday ever again.
Surprisingly to other people, but unsurprisingly to me, I feel the same about my own child. I was really excited to have a big, fun, themed and decorated first birthday party last year, and now I don’t want to be invited anymore.
Oh wait; he’s my kid…I have to do the inviting. Dammit.
For a planner like me, the actual planning of the big, crazy, themed first birthday wasn’t stressful; it was actually pretty fun. Grant was obsessed with Curious George at this time last year, so we went with that them and held the party at a local park that had space to fit our giant family and all of our friends. I ordered the perfect little smash cake, knowing full well he’s a neat and tidy kid who would never smash a cake in his pristine little fingers (spoiler: I was right; he used the monkey cake topper as a fork and didn't even need his face washed when he was done). I picked up balloons, ordered primary colored tablecloths and paper products; we even made goodie bags for the other kids, even though I hate goodie bags and think most other parents do too. Like, here, have a bag of crap I found at the Dollar Store (just kidding, it was from Amazon); don’t worry, it’s red & yellow so it’s themed! But it was his first birthday, and it was really important to me that he get the day all of his cousins got on previous years – all of them together, having fun, eating cake, playing at the park.
The less fun part of planning a birthday party, is that your kid’s first birthday isn’t necessarily a priority to everyone, so much as it’s a priority for you. I was really disappointed by how many of Grant's cousins weren’t there, especially after all of my years of showing up to first birthday parties (sans child of my own) to celebrate with my own cousins and their kiddos. Don't get me wrong, we had a great party and a great First Birthday Week; there were lots of friends and family who were there to celebrate with us - but there were a handful of people who didn't show up, and I had some feelings about it.
I still have some feelings about it.
That feeling left me wondering; are you really throwing the party for your one-year-old, if you’re going to be bummed out when people he doesn’t even really know don’t show up? Or are you throwing the obligatory event because you know that’s what moms are supposed to do, and then a year later, your feelings are still a bit hurt and your now almost-two-year-old doesn’t even remember he ever liked Curious George because now he only cares about horses and moo cows? Grant didn't know it was his birthday, didn't know why we were giving him cake, why we were singing to him or lighting a candle in his face, why we were opening a mountain of toys; he cared specifically about exactly one thing: the swings. He is not the one with memories of the cake topper or the "I'm one" tee shirt saved in his memory box; I am.
I don't think I know anyone who didn't throw a party for their baby's first birthday, or who doesn't plan to throw one. I also don't know any child who now remembers turning one or having a party. But I am willing to bet that moms everywhere would think you were a total psychopath if you didn't through your baby a first birthday party. I've had numerous people ask why we aren't throwing him a second birthday party, in fact.
Well for one, we're in the middle of a global pandemic, and I am trying to not catch a Coronavirus, you lunatics.
None of this is to say that birthdays after turning one are not a big deal. I am actually the queen of going all out for birthdays; I just think parties are not the way to go all out. I'd prefer Grant share his birthday with a small circle, on an adventure that he'll love. Besides, I have the First Birthday Rule, where only first birthdays get big themed, color coordinated parties. We do birthday adventures now. Tomorrow we are taking Grant tomorrow to a local, family-owned farm to have a tour and feed some animals, which will be the adventure of his lifetime at two years old. We'll go get a cupcake at Fat Cupcake too, and I'll probably shop online at Carters with his birthday coupon because he's a giant and growing like a freaking weed. I hung horse and moo cow streamers in the dining room windows last night, and he's thrilled by them - we may have to keep them up for the whole year, in fact. His grandparents & Uncle Tony are coming over tonight for cake - a cake which I decorated myself to look like a muddy barnyard - and ice cream with raspberries. We didn't even get him a present this year - he has too many toys already and really only plays with 3 things anyway: Grandma Horsey, one baby doll, and two green plastic cups from his play kitchen. What else is there, am I right??
Anyway. Have a birthday party. Don't have a birthday party. Risk Covid-19 to prove you're a good party mom, or maybe don't. Buy a six dollar chocolate cake and a bag of candy, and have at it; anyone can be a cake designer in 2020! This topic strays a bit from mom shame brought on by everyone else, and brings to light the fact that moms also tend to invite a lot of shame onto themselves.
There is no reason to do that. Mom shame is unacceptable from other moms, unacceptable from other humans, and is also unacceptable from yourself.
You're a good mom whether or not you throw parties, whether or not you remember to pick up a candle, whether or not you fail at cake design. No one year old knows who was at his birthday party; no two year old likes anyone enough for them to come over and have a birthday party. You're doing just fine, despite what Pinterest tells you about your lack of theme-ing for your parties. You're a good mom because you love your child, because you work hard every day to celebrate his existence, because you provide him with everything he needs to be happy and healthy in the world...even his own face mask, which he absolutely will not wear. You're a good mom because you go to sleep every night only after brushing his teeth, reading him a story, watching the same movie for the 87th time, giving him all of the snuggles and all of the smooches, and scooting yourself to the edge of the bed because he prefers to have his head and all of his hair on YOUR pillow, not his.
These are my reasons; the reasons I know I am a good mom, even if we never have another birthday party in our lives.
Think about it, and add your reasons to the list.
What makes you a good mom??
I promise you, it's not birthday cake and matching balloons.
#endmomshaming
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