Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Breaking the Law with Attitude

It is no secret that people have bad habits. We all do. Not one of us is perfect. Some of us are closer than others, sure, but perfection simply doesn't exist. And bad habits are just one reason why. 

My worst habit is texting and driving. 

I know. Shut up. I am doing SO much better about it, and now that my new car connects by blue tooth, I can literally just leave the damn thing in the back seat and force myself to knock it off. That said, I have one of the worst bad habits to have, because it is insanely dangerous. 

And also because it can sometimes make you do stupid shit.

Last week, I was heading to a comedy show on a Friday night, and had to pick a friend up on the way. Driving from Vancouver to Milwaukie at 4pm on a Friday, is literal Hell. Traffic was bad. So bad. So bad, I had been on the on-ramp from Mill Plain onto 205 southbound for ten minutes without moving an inch. 

So of course, I found myself messing with the features in the new car I'd bought earlier in the week. Programming the radio stations, getting my phone to connect to the blue tooth, and loading my Pandora stations.So while I was not texting, my cell phone was in my hand.

The weather was gorgeous, so even though I have air conditioning that works in my new car, I had the windows down and the music up loud. I was enjoying the cool breeze with my sunglasses on, listening to Keith Urban's newest single, when I heard a booming male voice from outside say, "get off your phone!!"

Instantly - as I hate to be yelled at - I shouted, "oh my god, fuck off, we aren't even moving!" I mean really, I'd been sitting in the same spot on this on-ramp for more than ten minutes. We were not going anywhere. 

"Excuse me?!?!" shouts the annoyed man out my passenger window.

I look up from my phone, expecting to see some punk-ass looking back at me, just trying to be a dick. He probably hates Keith Urban. And kittens. What a dick.

Instead, I find myself face to face with a police officer.

FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

I am now instantly back-peddling, and I lean over and say, "I am so sorry, I thought you were just a random person yelling at me. I am just trying to get my music to sync, I'm sorry!!"

And because the gods were on my side, he just shook his head and said I still had to put the phone down even though we were in traffic, before someone else pulled me over.

Oh. My. God. 

Sets phone down.

Smiles Awkwardly.

"Thank you, and again I'm sorry."

Faces front. Hands on ten and two.

Oh, and then we proceeded to sit side by side, windows down, my music up (he loved Keith Urban) for the entire hour it took to drive from Mill Plain to Johnson Creek at 15 miles per hour, both making occasional side glances.

Me not one time picking up my phone.

Bad habits are a real bitch. Apparently all I need to break this one, though, is to have a cop escort me everywhere I go.