Many Happy Returns (to Target)

Let it be known that I hate baby showers.

I also hate gender reveal parties.

While we’re in this super negative head space, I also hate bridal showers. 

(That’s neither here nor there, though.)

There is something incredibly awkward about opening gifts in front of a bazillion people, especially when you’re huge pregnant and uncomfortable, feeling unlike yourself, worried about every photo being taken…

Oh god please don’t post that on the internet, I’m as big as a house. I’m also hot and sweaty, and also I’m drinking a mimosa, so lord knows I’ll get dragged through the mud for drinking while I’m pregnant. 

Side note: if you want to have a fucking mimosa at your baby shower, DO IT. Anyone who is potentially judging you for that, you literally shouldn’t even be friends with anymore. Uninvite them immediately.

When it was time to plan my baby shower, I had one request: no opening presents. I didn’t want to sit in front of 50+ women and unwrap 50+ gifts for 50+ hours. It’s weird and antiquated, and I’d just as soon play another silly game. More than one person gave me shit about that decision. The more I looked into it though, the more commonplace I found it was becoming with moms in 2018. And so, I demanded it. I asked that people not wrap their gifts; instead, add a card and bring it unwrapped to the shower, and add it to the table at the front of the house - this way everyone can see the cute baby stuff, without my having to awkwardly open any of it.

As a reminder, mom shame is everywhere. You can’t escape it, you guys. I didn’t do my baby shower right, if you can believe that (I didn’t even host my own shower, but I still managed to be wrong). In addition to not opening gifts, I had a mimosa and played Pictionary instead of Smell the Melted Chocolate in a Diaper. I also had a food truck, because my cousin hosted and her neighbor owns a food truck...HOW COULD ANYONE BITCH ABOUT A BABY SHOWER WITH A FOOD TRUCK?!?!!! 

As new parents do, I created a baby registry based on what my then-boyfriend and I wanted for our son. 

I also did that wrong, apparently. 

I wanted to wear my baby, so I registered for an expensive baby carrier. 

I also didn’t want to lug around a 20 pound infant car seat, so I registered for a convertible seat that was good for a baby weighing 5-65 pounds. It was expensive, but it was the only seat we’d need.

I took a lot of backlash for these two items. I literally had no idea you could be shamed over a fucking gift registry, but you sure can!

When I got home from my shower and started to unpack gifts and put things away, I found that one person in particular had given me a ton of gifts, but none from my registry. Only later did someone else tell me that this person had said my registry was “ridiculous,” so she bought what she believed I needed.

To be clear, all this did was create extra work for me, as I returned ALL. OF. IT. I took a cart full of stuff I didn’t ask for, back to Target the day after my shower, and exchanged it for the rest of the items I had registered for...since that’s what I actually wanted. I don’t feel bad about it; especially after learning she did it on purpose. Like, why?? 

Tearing apart a new mom’s baby registry means one of three things. One, you’re an insensitive ass hole. Two, you’re an absolute moron. Three, you think you just know better than she does, how to be a mom, how to raise a human, how to be prepared for a baby. Likely it’s a combination of at least two of these three things, but for sure it’s shamey and mean. A mom-to-be puts effort into a registry beyond just clicking ‘add item to list’ - she has done her new-mom research. Which car seat is safest? Which carrier is best for a postpartum back recovery? Which monitor can I travel with easily? Which crib sheets match the nursery I’m creating on Pinterest, and how do I plan to balance nursing, pumping, and bottle feeding? What is the best binky, which stroller will take us on the greatest adventures? A mom’s registry is well thought-out; it’s a packet of things she’s thought a lot about and read a lot of information on, and likely she’s had a lot of conversations with other mom friends to make her decisions. Your choosing to “know better” and making a purchase contradictory to her registry, is a clear message that you know better than her, and that her instincts are wrong.

Everyone has favorite baby items. And experienced moms are a great resource for new moms as to items that are amazing, items that are useless, items they love and hate. It’s all in the way experienced moms present information: just be nice! 

And when a new mom doesn’t immediately drop her own thoughts to follow your exact path, don’t decide she’s a fucking idiot - trust her to trust herself, and then buy her a present she actually asked for. You can always tell her “I told you so” in a year, when she still hasn’t even opened the baby spa tub she wanted because the baby likes the kitchen sink just fine.

Not Every #BabyDaddy is a Deadbeat

I'm not a mom. I've never been a mom.

I have no experience co-parenting, good or bad, with my own child.

I did, for three years, live with a boyfriend and his child, so I do have a limited frame of reference as far as experience in co-parenting with someone else's child.

I don't claim to know anything about being a mother (or a father either, really).

However, I am also not a fucking idiot.

Why is it that women - and yes, I am going to go out on a super sexist limb here and come down hard on my own gender - cannot treat the fathers of their children with any respect?! I'm serious. You all are a bunch of bitches.

I get it. There are a lot of deadbeat, bull shit sperm-donating dads out there, a lot of guys who make a baby and then do nothing to help raise it. I understand that the number of deadbeat dads likely outweighs the number of deadbeat moms in the world. But those are clearly not the ones I am talking about. I'm talking about the guys who have stepped up, paid child support, asked for more time with their kids, remained actively involved in parenting their child. Those guys. The ones you are lucky are dads to your kids. The ones you should be thanking, not berating on the internet.

Not a single day passes where I don't see something on Facebook, posted by some mom, bitching about her child's dad. It's a daily thing on social media. Rant after rant about everything these guys are doing wrong. They didn't feed them the right thing, or they dressed them wrong, or the kid got a little bit of a sunburn or missed his nap, or he stayed up late or got up too early, or he let her watch the wrong movie, or whatever other insignificant, minute, stupid mundane thing you feel like being an ass hole about. Nobody wants to see your #babymamadrama blasted on Facebook. It's rude and disrespectful, and it makes YOU look like the idiot. All of us who see your drama, know you're the one making life difficult for yourself. We know that in reality, your kid's dad likely is just doing his best to help you raise a child, and you're being a control freak about how he's "doing it wrong."

For the record, outside of negligence and abuse, I'd argue that there's really not much of a "wrong way" to parent a child...but that's for another day.

Listen bitch. Be a little more grateful that the guy keeps your kid clothed, comfortable, and safe. You don't get to be such a jerk and tell someone else how to raise your kid. You're raising this child together, and you may not be doing it exactly the same way, and that's really not a big deal. If you want to be the be-all-end-all decision maker in the life of a child, literally try to make yourself one all alone and see how that works out for you. My mom and dad did not parent me exactly the same as each other - and guess what, I didn't die. My brother and I are now two functioning adults, despite the fact that my mom spanked us and my dad didn't. or the fact that my mom said no and my dad bought me a car. It's not going to kill your kid that you and your ex don't do things exactly the same. It really doesn't matter. Your kid will be fine.

I got into it recently with a single mom, who is famous for posting condescending, passive-aggressive deadbeat-dad memes on Facebook, like at least once a week. I know her, and I know her son's dad. Neither of them is a bad parent. They are both effectively parenting; but they sure as shit don't make it easy on each other. I finally just had to say something - girl, your kid's dad is a good guy, get off this tirade! Was he a great boyfriend to you? Doesn't sound like it. Was he making some poor choices earlier in this kid's life? Could be. But to be honest, you maybe were too. Because  *shocker* neither of you is perfect. Just let it go. Open your eyes and see what he's doing now, and stop hanging on to your past drama. You look petty, and you also look mean. And a little bit pathetic, to be frank.

I just honestly, have had enough of seeing women bash and chastise these guys on such a public forum, when they're really just trying to be a damn dad to their children. He's likely not doing it perfectly, but guess what bitch, neither are you. There is no perfect parent out there, no perfect way to be a mom or a dad to a kid. All of you moms who are demanding perfection from your child's father based more on your own fucking ego than anything else, please take this as a reality check. You are being an ass hole. You look like an idiot every time you post something mean about him. You're doing a disservice to your child every time you say something nasty about their daddy. You're the one your kid will grow up to resent for putting them in the middle.

Just seriously, stop it.

Just Get Awesome

I have been thinking about this topic recently, and I've been avoiding mentioning it because I don't want to fight with anyone in my life with children.

This blog, just before all of my mom-friends start getting upset, was not inspired by any of my own close friends or my cousins. It was mostly inspired by Huffington Post, actually, as well as by a conversation with my therapist that I'll elaborate on later.

So with that, I'm just going to say it. 

It's not my fault that you have kids and I don't. 

Say what??

I read a blog recently on Huffington Post, about all the reasons why those of us without kids need to be more patient with our friends who have kids, including that their life is just too damn busy to have a spare moment in the day. And while it was funny - and a lot of it true to life - I also found it really irritating. Because the simple fact is, whether you have kids or not, you don't get to be a shitty friend.

I know that you have kids because you want to. People have kids because they want to have kids; they want to raise a little human, give someone life, add meaning to their own lives, and any other myriad of reasons. People want kids. I totally understand that; I know the fact that I do not want children puts me in the minority among women my age. I also understand that your life, your priorities, and your routines change when you have kids. How could they not? Kids take a ton of time and energy! They make giant messes that you have to clean, and they have to nap at certain times and eat at certain times, and they are a bitch to get in and out of a car. They make you tired, wear you out, and despite all that you still want to spend the two hours between picking them up from daycare and putting them to bed, with them. Kids are a major time suck, albeit a pleasant-ish one. I get it.

When you become a parent, your priorities change - obviously. Most major life transitions require a change in perspective, a change in lifestyle, a change in time management. And as more or my friends and family have become moms, I have changed my expectations of them; I no longer expect that I can plan a cousin's trip to Vegas for my birthday, nor do I think I can drag them all out to a club every weekend. I spend a lot more time at birthday parties, at playgrounds, having quick dinners in. I know that I have to filter my conversations because of the little ears listening, and I listen to a lot more stories about what someone did for the first time or said that was funny. I watch more cartoons and buy more board games & puzzles, and I am understanding that for every ten things I invite these moms to, they attend (maybe) two. Again, I get it. The kid, the energy, the time suck - the struggle is real for moms.

That said, why are those of us without kids the only ones making the accommodation, making the sacrifice? Why are those of us who can spend every birthday out of town, who can spend every weekend out until three in the morning, who want to drink and dance and have an uninterrupted conversation about sex - why are we the ones who are made to feel like we're wrong, or needy, or demanding of our friends' time? In reality, we are spending a hell of a lot of time with your kids, just to get a minute with you; why don't you ever have to accommodate us in return? Why aren't you ever getting a babysitter and a caffeine IV drip and pacifying me by talking about guys and sex and staying out all night with me? Not even pacifying really, why aren't you still being my friend and making that effort because you want to?

After having an hour-long conversation with my therapist about it, I think the answer is pretty simple: it's because women in their thirties are expected to have young children, and since so many of them do, those of us who don't are just expected to deal with the fact that our friends had babies and started sucking at friendship.

Blogs like the one Huffington Post made viral are part of the problem; that post made excuses for why as a parent, you can act like a selfish, crappy friend and get away with it. If I were to start telling my friends, every time they tried to make plans, that I was too tired or too busy, my friends would stop trying. They'd stop trying because I'd be acting like a shitty friend - constantly being too tired and too busy for your friends, in fact makes you a shitty friend. Whether you're too tired because you were out all night hooking up with guys in bars, or because you were up all night with a baby, if it's consistently happening all the time, you're being a crappy friend for not making an effort. True friendship is a two way street. If I am always chasing someone down begging them to spend time with me, I am quick on my way to not being friends with that person anymore.

Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

I spend a lot of time hanging out with children, because most of my friends, and most of my cousins, are parents. And as much as I love spending time with the babies, toddlers, and rugrats in my life, I am also thrilled when my friends or my cousins can leave them home with dad or grandma to have a night out with me, to go to the beach or on a hike with me, or even to just talk without interruption for a few hours. With friendships, it is important to maintain balance, and it's important that efforts are being made on both sides. If you're a single, childless friend, it's your responsibility to bond with your friends' children, to hang out with them sometimes, and to make plans that are easy for your overtired mom friends. Their struggle is real; they live with those energy-eaters alldayeveryday. But - as is the focus of this post - if you're a mom friend, it is also your responsibility to get a little wild with your single friends sometimes, and to sometimes make plans that don't involve your children. Because really, if you're dragging your baby to every outing I invite you on, you're being a little bit of a selfish ass hole.

And though our struggle is different, the single woman's struggle is just as real.

What it all boils down to, is that to be a friend, you have to actually be a friend. No excuses, no bull shit. You can't have a constant excuse - baby or hangover - for why you're being a shitty friend. Make time for your friends, no matter what life changes are coming at you.

#stopblamingthebaby.