My Cousin, My Friend, My Soulmate

Sometimes I think the zodiac is a completely made up hoax, with no evidence that it is even remotely true.

And then I remember that my cousin Karen and I were born on the same day, six years apart, and I am reminded that in fact, the zodiac is real. Because despite being born in different times and different places, being raised by very different people, and having very different life experiences, Karen and I are literally the exact same soul in two different bodies.

Post Two of Fifty: Who are you closest to in your family?

I went back and forth with this one for quite some time, because I am very close to most of my Stacey family. I would say Stacey is my best friend, and that Blake is my number one kid. I do believe my nephew Archer is my spirit animal, and I have a close relationship with all 13 of my cousins. My cousin's son Grant is my mini-me, I believe my cousin DeLaina will be the one we all grow old with because she's the caretaker, and my aunt Michelle is the one I like to text with when I'm curled up at the beach house.

That said, the question isn't who is my favorite, or who do I like best, nor is it who I spend the most quality time with. The question is, who am I closest to.

And I have to answer that one undoubtedly, my cousin Karen. Because Karen is my soulmate.

Karen and I are exactly the same.

The Leo woman in each of us is strong.
We handle love, heartache, disappointment, pride, and hurt the same.
We care passionately about the same things, and we're sensitive about the same things.
We are both unabashedly snarky and sarcastic, and neither of us is ever prepared for that to get us into trouble (even though it always does).
We have the same drive and determination, and the same self doubts and frustrations.
We both feel at home at the beach more than anywhere else, and we each keep a care bear with us to keep us happy all the time.

We also have the same toothy grin and the same Whitmore dark circles under our eyes.
We have the same narrow upper lip when we smile, and the same forehead and nose.
We have the same wild and unruly curly hair.
We make the same cheese face in every selfie.
We both have a favorite nephew who we love fiercely, more than anything.
We both love hard, we both hurt hard, and we both feel every emotion very loudly.

We're the same.
She is me, six years in the future.
I am her, six years later.

I was born on Karen's 6th birthday, in August of 1983. Whenever it's our birthday, she tells me that 34 years ago, she knew I was hers. "I felt like you were mine." She says it every year. And every year it makes my heart happy.

Karen is always the person I go to first, whether it be to laugh, cry, gush over a new boy, talk shit about other people, gossip, brag, or seek comfort. Whether she was living in Portland like me, freezing her face off living too far away in Minnesota, or now living in my paradise, Bend, she is - and always has been - a phone call away.

In fact, we call each other from the grocery store all the time, because that's the only time she can escape her children yelling for her attention just because she is on the phone, or her youngest chasing her through the kitchen with the "fuck it" button (which, while her husband finds appalling, she and I think is hilarious - yet another thing we have in common). She goes to Fred Meyer and wanders aimlessly up and down the aisles while we catch up, and then a week later I keep her on the phone in the parking lot at the gym while I wander around Target gushing to her about a boy.

Karen is always the first to tell me she's proud of me or happy for me, just like she's always the first one to empathize when I'm hurting. She's my soulmate, she feels my feelings with me. I always cry when she cries, and I get mad on her behalf - especially when I don't think she is mad enough. She always pushes and encourages me, gives me advice, and then doesn't judge me when I turn around and do the opposite.

I tell her she's too old when she wants to go to bed at 10:00 after we watch a scary movie, and she tells me I'm too young when I want to spend $30 on a mimosa breakfast we have to wait in line for while standing outside in the snow. But we both wholeheartedly agree on smoothies for breakfast sitting on the roof, and a weed-induced nap on the porch in a sunbeam. We also both agree with the scary movies and mimosa breakfasts, despite the lines and early bedtimes.

Because we're the same.

In the past couple years, there has definitely been a shift in Karen seeing me as her baby cousin, and I now get the street cred for being an adult she can discuss all adult topics with. My favorite is when she calls and vents about something for an hour and then as we're hanging up says, "oh and how are you?? Your life matters too!"

Because she's snarky.
Because we're the same.

I am close to all of my Stacey family. Karen is just about the only Whitmore I have (also, that's because we're the same...I'm pretty much the only Whitmore she has too). But she's the only one I need. She understands my feelings about our family better than anyone; she knows how much I love my grandma, and how long it took me to accept things as they are. She lets me vent, listens to me get mad and sad and raging mad and devastated - and then she tells me it'll be okay. Not because she doesn't want to listen, but because shes been there and because she knows me best. And she's always right - it always is okay. Because just like her grandma and grandpa loved her no matter what, my grandma loves me no matter what.

Because in spite of (and often because of) our sarcasm, our boldness, our chaos, our energy that other people don't understand, Karen and I are still incredibly lovable people. Just ask my mom; she loves us both.

When asked who in my family I am closest to, not much thought was required. I have a huge family, full of fun, loud, crazy, opinionated people who I love dearly. Full of cousins I call my best friends. Full of aunts who take care of me and uncle who pick on me. Full of toddlers I love to spoil rotten and laugh with. My family is amazing. And in the midst of all the amazing, I am lucky enough to have a twin, in all senses of the word.

She's my cousin.
My friend.
My confidant.
My soulmate.

And I bet you all a thousand dollars she started crying in paragraph two of this post. #twinning

I Can't Help It, I'm a Leo

Day Three: Your Zodiac Sign...Does it Fit Your Personality? 

I read this today: A Leo woman is like a kitten, and kittens are always very playful. She'll tease you with innocuous comments or actions, and laugh with all her might whenever she wants to. Little things will make her laugh out loud. She has a great sense of humor, and she is really funny and outgoing. She has a great ability to completely shift moods. She will always try to bring a smile to your face, and most of the time she will succeed. 

I mean, I definitely think I'm funny, yes. And I will always try to change someone's mood by making them laugh, yes. I am not great in a crisis, but I can certainly make you laugh when you're ready to do so!

Leo women are fiery characters and there is always a lot of enthusiasm linked to their personality. There are no half measures for them. Their loyalty knows no bounds. They will stick with you as long as they can, and love you with endless devotion. They are cheery and optimistic and highly determined to tackle the different phases of life. They do not show signs of vulnerability to people around them, and no matter what they harbor inside - whether it is pain or sorrow - they will always be determined to not only fight the world but also nullify the sadness within. Leo women have a thick exterior but are fragile on the inside. Little things do hurt her. On the flip side, she will always notice your small gestures.

Definitely true. Little things often hurt more than big things, in fact. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, I always notice the little things someone does - like make my bed, cuddle with Juno, loan me a sweatshirt when I'm cold, or text me some kissy-face emojis. Little things are absolutely the most important to me, and are absolutely what ends up hurting the most.

Leo women also have a lot of expectations in a relationship. If they are providing you with prolific amounts of love and affection and loyalty, hey will expect the same from you. Leo women love men who are hopeless romantics. If you write what you feel for her - or even text it to her - her heart will melt and she'll get butterflies in her stomach. She will save these messages or texts and read them when she is alone or wants to feel good, and it will always remind her of someone who loves her and cares for her.

I mean, I save basically every single message anyone ever sends me that isn't about work. I have a million saved little Blake voice mails in my inbox, and I screen shot texts that make my heart melt so I don't accidentally delete them. Soo...true.

My sign absolutely fits my personality - I mean, I think in general most people's signs line up with their personalities. You can't argue with the signs, right?

In my experience, the general perception of a Leo is a lot of bold behavior - strong personality, aggression, fierce emotion, loud reactions to things. Leos are also rumored to be overly confident, pushy, cocky, and overzealous. We are labeled as unforgiving, bossy, controlling, and maybe a little to forward. What tends to get left off the table with Leos, is that a lot of that overly confident, bold demeanor, is a facade that hides a lot of insecurity that we don't like to admit (or even acknowledge).

Leos are inherently insecure. We can't help it. I read something a few days ago that said a Leo's biggest fear is loving someone more than they are loved in return. This is 100% one of the most accurate things I've ever read about myself in a horoscope. And I believe it to be true for most Leos I know as well, actually. This is true for me of all relationships...whether it be with my family, my friendships, or my romantic relationships, I want to feel as important to someone, as they are to me. And where that gets me into trouble, is that because I am a Leo, I do feel my emotions very strongly - I love hard, and I want to be loved hard in return. And because I am a Leo and I naturally feel all of my emotions fiercely, I do sometimes struggle with feeling loved back - because not everyone feels their emotions as loudly as Leos do.

I have always thought that my personality lined up with my Zodiac sign because I do tend to be all of the things a Leo is known to be - bold, fierce, confident, and the center of attention. But the more I read about it lately, the more I think it's deeper than that. I think it's fascinating to read about, and interesting to read things about myself based only on my birthday...especially when they're so spot on.