Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Sure, There Are Dog People...But Then There Are Cat People

I hate dog people. Yes, I realize that as my first official blog I should avoid segregating my friends from the dog people, who I hate, who will now no longer read this, and the cat people, who I like much better, who will add this blog to a favorites list.

But it needs to be said. I hate dogs.

And I hate most dogs because of their owners. I don't care that your dog is friendly, that it never barks, that it doesn't jump and won't lick my face after it licks its own ass, or that it won't pee on the floor or bite my ankles. Your dog is perfect, I know, that's what all dog people say. You don't hear too many cat people trying to protect their pet by telling bold-faced lies about how, my cat walks on a leash and it doesn't kill birds, nor does it ever scratch the couch or scatter litter all over the floor. Cat people are more up front. We tell the truth. Yes, my cat bites. So what, keep your fingers out of her face. Yea, she misses the litter box sometimes because she's that lazy, I just put a mat down so I don't ruin the carpet. My cat is an ass hole, but all cats are. And cat owners are up front about that. Not like dog owners, who just lie about everything and claim to have the only perfect dog on the face of the Earth.

Cat people take responsibility for the ass hole animal they have living in their home. Dog people just deny, deny, deny. Oh your dog doesn't bark or jump? Interesting...either you're lying or your dog is dead, there is no such thing as a dog that doesn't ever bark and never jumps. That'd be like me saying, my cat has never once climbed up my leg taking half my skin with her, just to get her fat ass into a ray of sun where she can spend the next 27 hours fast asleep.

I'm sure there are many reasons that dog people think they need dogs. They scare off intruders (but not by barking or jumping, supposedly). They are your best friend (which is just pathetic). They are good with kids (until they're not). Dogs are smart (no, they're not). Dogs are cute (so are a variety of other furry animals, many with much quieter, cleaner, smarter personas). I'm allergic to cats (that's what all dog people say). The truth of the matter is, dog people need dogs because other people probably don't like them very much. Dog people are kinda like dogs - loud, a little annoying, and somewhat aggressive, with a personality that a small population of society (generally other dog people) think is cute. Cat people, on the other hand, need cats because they allow us to have a pet and a companion without having too much responsibility. Cat people can remain aloof and independent because our cats can essentially survive without us, assuming we pop in to drop some nasty smelling tuna-looking entree into their bowl every once in a while and scratch under their chin for ten seconds - that's all the time they want anyway before you're suddenly invading their space. Cat people don't need other people do like them; we don't really like other people either.

If you are a dog person, I get it. Dogs are deceitfully cute, especially when they're babies. They have those puppy eyes that baby dogs - and baby humans, actually - get when they are trying to fight with your logical brain, which is telling you to run from the pet store, to not take home this shedding, drooling, pissing-on-the-floor, ass-breath of a dog. Sorta like when you look at someone else's baby and suddenly finding yourself thinking how badly you'd like to run home and get knocked up to make one of these adorable, cooing, patty-caking, yet screaming, demanding, life-sucking babies for yourself. Puppies and babies are the same. They come in adorable packaging to throw you off your game; they are just hoping you're not smart enough to figure it out. Kittens don't lie. Sure, they're cute, but they're also mean. Kittens scratch and bite and don't want to play with you unless it is on their terms. They don't doll themselves up in some cute gift basket trying to be coy - if you bring home a kitten, you know exactly what you're getting: an ass hole for a pet.

Truth be told, there are some (and by some I mean, very few) dogs out there that I can find tolerable. My cousin Kitty had a rescue dog named Dory, and Dory was the best dog. I think I liked Dory because she didn't really know she was a dog; she was more hamster than dog, definitely more bunny rabbit than dog. Dory liked to snuggle, liked to curl up on your lap and practically purr, and never barked (except when someone knocked on the door, got up to feed her, or made any unexpected noise or movement). And I think what I liked best about Dory was that her owner was not one of your typical dog people; Kitty never said the sun rose and set on Dory's ass. She knew she had the most annoying dog in the world whenever she had to pull out Dory's overpriced Thunder shirt because there was a one in seventeen chance of thunder, lightening, or clouds for the evening. Kitty never said, Dory never barks or whines or growls or pees on the floor. Dory was a shithead, and Kitty embraced it. Which is why I loved Dory, but also kinda why I love Kitty.

There are dog people and there are cat people. I happen to (obviously) be a cat person, and I truly do hate most dog people. Ok fine, I don't hate dog people. I just hate dogs. Ok fine, most dogs. Some dogs. Ok fine, I just like cats better.