Wednesday, May 7, 2014

"You've Got to Put Your Behind in Your Past" and Other Wise Words from Disney

I have always tried to maintain that things happen the way that they do, and when they do, and how they do, for a reason. I try not to dwell on things in the past, wishing that they'd been different or that I had made different decisions; overall, I believe that had I chosen a different path in the past, I wouldn't be the person I am now.

But sometimes, something great happens to you, and it happens at the wrong time. And because it happens at the wrong time, you fuck it up, or you lose it, or you mistreat or devalue it. And then later on, you kick yourself in the ass about it. 

Prompt: What was your relationship like 2 years ago?

Two years ago, it was May of 2012. I had been single for 6 months, after a 3 year relationship with someone who severely mistreated me. Despite my relief to be out of that situation, abuse stays with a person for a long time; when you are brainwashed and mind fucked, you don't just heal overnight by leaving someone. It takes time. And help. And support. And love. And usually, a professional. But at the time, I didn't get it. I thought, I had left and I was all good to move forward.

That was, until I met someone new. Someone great. Someone fun. This guy enjoyed my family, was supportive and kind, and made me laugh. And yet, I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was afraid to have an opinion over anything, right down to, where do you want to go for dinner? The only thing we ever argued about was how indecisive I was and how unable to express my feelings I was (which is so unlike me, usually). I was just waiting for the bad, even though it wasn't coming. So I sought the professional help that I desperately needed (and had needed for almost an entire year). But the thing about it is, even when you're working through something, you're not always quite there, and you're not always quite ready.

I often think that what ended my last relationship, was timing. Timing is a bitch. We had great chemistry, but neither of us was ready. Neither of us was fully healed from the previous years of mind fuck to the point where we could fully move forward.

 And so it ended. And I was super sad. I actually still am sometimes sad; I was in love, and I believe that he was probably my "one who got away."

The thing is though, with the one who got away, is that sometimes, they come back. You never know. Things that happened in the past, are in the past for a reason. But that doesn't have to mean that something from the past may not come back into the present. Timing can be a real bitch. But as I am learning, timing can also be great. Things happen for a reason, and all I can do is be positive, be open, be accepting, and take everything in stride as it comes.

And this time, when something or someone becomes my right now, I'll be ready for it.