Thursday, September 25, 2014

#OMG #AreYouWearingABra?!?

They say everything happens for a reason.

Who exactly, is they? Is there like, a group who meets somewhere and creates these phrases? If so, I think that may be my dream job. Who from they can make that happen for me?

Regardless, whoever they is, they say everything happens for a reason. And I have never really bought into that; I mean, how does one trust that life plays out as it is intended to, no matter what I do in the meantime? I would like to believe that my choices and my decisions are what map the course of my life, not that there is some force of nature or some kind of fate directing me down a distinct path towards a specific finish. There are times when things are going really shitty, where it becomes a little easier to try and recite an everything happens for a reason mantra, but in reality, I just don't believe that to be true - everything happens the way it does, because of the way I make it happen.

At this time last year, the building I worked at was selling, and I was unsure of where I would be living or working. I was struggling financially, trying to take care of myself, and was unwilling to let anyone help me with anything; I needed to be one hundred percent in control of my life. I was in a mindset that accepting help or support from someone else - even my friends - meant I was weak, needy, and dependent. My mind was still recovering from three years of emotional turmoil and abuse, and I wasn't ready to let anyone in who could potentially cause me any pain or distress.

I should mention I was also just a few months from realizing how unhealthy this all was and finding an amazing therapist.

Between October and January of last year, I dealt with a property sale and the stress that comes from that as a property manager. I moved out of my apartment, I commuted three hours a day for two months, then moved into a new apartment and got a new property without the commute. I  had a flood in the new apartment, I lived on my best friend's couch, and then finally moved into another new apartment. I was in no place emotionally to not be mentally prepared to ask for help; I fucking needed help. I needed someone to take care of Juno, people to help me move four times, people to feed me dinner when traffic was so bad I couldn't leave the West side. I needed a place to crash, needed help with my car, with my apartment, with several rounds of dealing with moving companies. There was no getting around it. I needed help - a lot of it - all at once. Last winter was my shock therapy.

See how last winter would have made it kind of easy to shrug my shoulders and give in to the mantra?

But I didn't. Because things were happening due to my choices, my circumstance, not because of any it is what it is happenstance. These phrases that they (again, who the hell are they?!) create, are really more of a means of eliminating your own responsibility for your life. Had I decided to accept it for being whatever it was, that life was just happening to me for some mysterious Reason, I would not have had to scrape my way out of the wet paper bag to get back on my feet and find my footing; I would have just been able to float on.

At some point during my life madness, my girlfriend shared this blog I had written (my first real post, my first rant), about the reasons I hated dogs but loved cats, with one of her friends, because he had ironically posted on Facebook the same day, about how much he preferred cats to dogs. Clearly a mutual hatred of something living, fluffy, and cute is a reason for two people to meet, so it was decided that he and I needed to be introduced in real life. So we met. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an immediate connection - I mean, other than the dog thing. When we met, though, he was dating someone, and I was clearly having a mental meltdown, so there were no romantic sparks, no desire to immediately cash out our bar tab and get naked in the backseat of my car (I mean, at least not that either of us admitted to). The connection we had, while it didn't lead to a drunk hookup, did lead us to some great conversation - the kind of conversation you have with someone you've known a long time. We talked about books, about relationships, about our pasts, presents, and futures, and about feelings. And for a long time, we did a lot of talking over the internet, and a lot of not hanging out in real life. Somehow, though, through hours of typed conversation, we became friends. Good friends. And then great friends.


When I am uncomfortable with the way a conversation is going, I hide behind a hash tag. I know, nobody knows what that means. Because it's weird. When my heart is on my sleeve and it gets to be too much, I can say what I need to say much more confidently if I use a hash tag; that little pound sign makes it feel less serious, lighter, less overwhelming.

Earlier this week, I was talking to this same fella about feelings, about the way I feel and about the way he feels. And I hash tagged a statement, and got called out. Stop hiding behind the hash tags, V

#Shit. #Youcaughtme. #Youcantellmyemotionsarerealandnowyouarecallingmeoutonit. #Damnyou!

The conversation got real from there. And at some point I realized that through this real talk, I didn't have to hash tag anything. Here I was, admitting my feelings for someone, hearing his feelings for me, and I wasn't scared at all.

They say everything happens for a reason. But I call bull shit on that. Things happen because you want them to, because you work hard for them, because you do everything else in your life the right way to allow things to line up the way you want them to. After last winter, when my life flipped upside down, I worked hard to level things out, I went out of my way to make time to a therapy appointment every week, no matter what. I dealt with issues with my family, with my friends, with my job, and with myself. I learned to go after what I want. I practiced admitting and talking about my feelings. None of that was circumstance; it was all because I made choices and set goals.


#Nomorehidingbehindthehashtags. #Readyforsomethingreal.