Monday, September 22, 2014

A Different Kind of Drunk


We all have that friend who gets mean when he drinks whiskey. Or know that girl who gets horny when she drinks tequila. Most of us know someone (or are someone) who gets emotional over wine and quick-drunk over champagne. And everyone knows at least one person who falls drunk in love overnight, more often than we can keep tabs on. There are different drunks for different drinks, and like most people, my drunk for the night depends on my beverage of choice.

Beer. A good, cold beer is my usual go-to. I don't get too drunk when I drink beer; if I'm at a sporting event, watching movies, or trying to stay out late, I go for beer because I can maintain a buzz without getting hammered and needing to check out too early. I like beer better in the summer than in the winter, and I always choose beer at outdoor events. Beer drunk is mellow, beer drunk is chill and relaxed. Beer drunk can carry me through several days of camping, a beach weekend, or an all-nighter. Like an old pair of sweat pants, beer drunk is just comfy.


Vodka. Vodka-cranberry is my first date drink. When I'm somewhere classy, like an upscale bar or a wedding, I like to get drunk on vodka. Vodka likes to dance. It likes to flirt and catch the bride's bouquet, and vodka keeps it a little classy. I can get drunk too fast with vodka, but vodka isn't usually sloppy - vodka usually just kicks my ass a little early and takes me home to bed by midnight. Vodka often leads me to the mornings where I find my earrings in the freezer or my shoes in a bathroom cabinet; what happens between me and vodka once I'm home, stays between me and vodka (and sometimes even I don't know about it).

Tequila. I am your token, tequila-makes-her-horny, tequila drinker. I get sloppy if I drink too much tequila, and tequila makes me forget large portions of a night out. Tequila makes me brave and tough, makes me defensive, makes me expressive, and tequila makes me hot. Margaritas make me want to make out, and shots of tequila make me black out. It's a love-hate relationship, mine with tequila. I tend to avoid tequila most days, since I do need to function in reality, but for vacations and bachelorette parties, tequila and I have a super-fun time together.


Champagne. My favorite. Champagne, sweet champagne. Champagne makes me bubbly. Giggly drunk, with a mad hangover every time. I feel like I'm at a fancy party whenever I drink champagne - even when I am chugging it from a bottle. Probably because the bottle is fancy.

Wine. I never knew I liked wine, until I started drinking wine. Wine drunk is so much more grown up than other drunks. I never feel a wine drunk coming until it's too late; wine takes me from sober to drunk in a quick minute. Wine drunk is honest and sappy, emotional and romantic. Wine drunk lets me always tell the truth, but especially the truth about my feelings. Wine also gives me a raging headache, whether I have one glass or one bottle. But it's worth it for all the happy sap I get from wine.


Love. Lovedrunk is hard to explain because lovedrunk makes you crazy. Lovedrunk is like beer mixed with wine mixed with champagne mixed with vodka, with a shot of tequila on the side. Being drunk on love is the same as being drunk - out of control, emotional, crazy, and yea, a little horny. Lovedrunk catches you off guard, when you're not ready for it, kinda like a vodka drunk - you're out, trying to just have a couple drinks, when BAM, love and vodka catch right up and knock you on your ass. When you're drunk on love, you do things like find your earrings in the freezer or your underwear under the couch, much like the vodka drunk. Lovedrunk also makes you an emotional, sappy hot mess, much line a good wine drunk. When you're drunk on love, you start getting gushy, telling people about your feelings, and then often wake up with a headache - just like wine drunk. But sometimes lovedrunk makes you feel a little fancy, like champagne. But don't forget the tequila - lovedrunk kicks you in the ass like a tequila drunk. Lovedrunk makes you crazy, hot, and horny, the same way tequila does, and it catches up to you fast if you let it.

There are different drunks for different drinks, and just like with booze, you have to be careful with love. It's easy to find yourself out of control, seeing the world through rose-colored beer goggles. Lovedrunk will let you get away from yourself, away from reality. It's important to remember to be safe - just like you don't drive when you're drunk, there are things you shouldn't do when you're lovedrunk either. You shouldn't act too crazy or get too out of control, you shouldn't get too creepster-status honest or send too many texts, and you certainly shouldn't make important decisions.

Falling in love is eerily similar to being wasted. Get your shit together, people.