You're the Queen of Ass Holes

What is it about pushing a baby out of your vagina that makes you think you know everything?

Why do so many women think that after they have a baby, they are suddenly the expert on all things baby?

Guess what, ladies, you're not an expert! You don't know all there is to know on how to raise a baby The Right Way. You simply know all there is to know on how to raise YOUR baby The Right Way. That phrase, mama knows best? Yea, it applies to ALL mamas, not just you. Focus on your own crying, screaming, poop machine, and let everyone else do the same.

Nobody named you the Queen of Babies when you shoved that tiny human through your vag. So stop acting like it. It's annoying. And actually, it makes people hate you, and also hate your kids a little bit too.

Last night, I was met with the perfect example of two parents who respect each other's parenting styles, and it was a great reminder of why I only like some people and their kids, and why some people are not allowed to bring children to my house. Seriously. Some people's kids don't get invited to my house. And it's probably because they have a mother who likes to tell me what to do. I know I don't actually have a child, but I do know which way to hold it, even though there's no this end up sticker on it.

Sidebar: The same goes for babysitting, by the way. When I babysit for people, I expect them to understand that while I will keep their children safe, fed, and happy, I won't do everything the same way they do. I'm the fun aunt. If you don't want your kid to get to eat candy, don't ask me to babysit. If you don't want me to keep them up past bedtime or take them outside to stomp in mud puddles, or watch TV on the couch all day snuggling, ask someone else to watch your kid. We do things in my house the fun way and the easy way. Because I am not responsible for the future well being of your kid, I am only responsible for getting through the next few hours with a child that does not belong to me. Don't get your panties twisted about it.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Opposing parental views playing out in my living room.

Rachel swears in front of her child. GASP, I know!! He's ten. He knows he is not allowed to swear. This is because when he was little, Rachel taught him the difference between grown up words and everybody words. I have never heard her son use a bad word, except the one day that he got to have "Dammit Day" where he was allowed to say dammit while we made Christmas cookies. And I could tell he never swears, because every time he said dammit, he giggled and started blushing. And sorta glanced at Rachel like he was about to get slapped. So even though Rachel swears in front of him, he knows he better not copycat her.

Bridgett gives her daughter a quarter every time she swears in front of her. Her daughter is six. Her daughter catches her saying bad words and demands a quarter as punishment, and surrenders a quarter when she says words she's not allowed to say. Also makes sense. I don't think her daughter has ever celebrated Dammit Day.

This came up last night while Rachel, Bridgett, and their respective children were at my apartment for dinner. Rachel said dammit in front of the kids, and Bridgett's daughter said she had to give her a quarter. Now, because my friends are both good moms, and because they are respectful, normal, functioning women who are not standing on a soap box, they laughed about it and moved on. I have friends who would have fought about who was right. I know women who would have actually been mad about this.

Mind your own business. Calm the fuck down. Guess what...your kids are going to be fine, but so are everyone else's. Stop judging the mom who swats their kid's butt in the grocery store, just like you wouldn't want to be judged for using a time out stool instead. Stop berating moms who don't breastfeed or who use disposable diapers; cloth diapers and breastfeeding are not always the best choice - especially for kids in day care. And if you use Huggies, don't talk about how gross cloth diapers are; it's not on your ass so don't worry about it. Stop being a bitch about working mothers. This is fucking 2014. People work. Even people without penises. And then, don't harp on stay at home moms either; not everyone chooses to work and go the day care route. It doesn't shouldn't matter to you - it's not your kid!

Stop trying to always be right. Everybody's different, and that's actually a good thing.