Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I Never Have Sex on a First Date (Except for When I Do)

Yesterday I talked about some of the things that men need to know about sex, that they seem to have missed in their high school sex education classes. My post was fully intended as a snarky look at the myths we believe about sex. In reality, I believe that the gaps in sex education aren't funny and that they do truly need to be addressed - but this is a blog, and it's meant to be fun, and I try not to get too serious most of the time.

Today, to be fair - and to make both sexes look equally like ass holes - I am addressing the things that (many) women believe to be true about sex, based on what we learned in our high school sex education classes. While I do not believe these things to be true now, I may or may not have been taught more than one of them in my Catholic high school, Abstinence-is-the-only-way sex education. Just saying.


And so, from the book writing itself in my head, I give you the things that girls learn in health class, which we may believe to be true far too long into adulthood, thus spending years of could-be fun, not really enjoying sex all that much.

1. You are not a slut if you have sex with a guy you're dating. You're not even a slut if you give it up on the occasional first date. I remember sitting in health class learning that the only way to do it, was to not do it til you're married. Guess what, it's 2014. Nobody expects you to be a virgin when you're married. Hell, nobody expects you to be a virgin when you graduate high school these days. If you choose to stay a virgin til your wedding night, more power to ya girl! But it isn't the only way to live life anymore, nor is it expected. And truth be told, guys don't care. Nobody cares. Except maybe your parents, who had high hopes for you when they sent you to that overpriced Catholic school.


2. You are not a freak because missionary with the lights off is not your favorite position. You're also not a freak if it is your favorite, actually. Whatever floats your boat, just go for it. My point here is, women are taught - by society mostly - that we should be these delicate and demure little flowers; we're not taught to embrace our sexuality or to admit that we may be into something a little more spicy. You know why the 50 Shades series was so amazing? Not because the writing was great (it wasn't), but because it was outside the box! That girl had no idea what she was getting into, but she gave it a go and ended up loving all of it. And that's how I look at sex - go ahead and try that new thing - it may end up being your favorite! Don't let society convince you that your job is to lay on your back and take it how your partner wants to give it to you; turn the lights on, utilize the other furniture - or floors - in your house, and throw out the inhibitions. Nobody will think it's weird. They'll be jealous of the pages you can check off in the Kama Sutra that they can't.


3. It's normal (and awesome) to enjoy oral sex - both giving and receiving. I feel like this goes without saying, but the number of girlfriends I have that give a lot of blow jobs in exchange for no oral action of their own, astounds me. And don't put words in my mouth (see what I did there?) - I am in no way suggesting that you keep score; sex, including oral sex, isn't about who owes one to whom. But if you are giving it your all in the oral department, and you're the only one, that's not really cool - especially if, like many women, that is the most likely way for you to actually orgasm. Hey, sad but true fact, some ladies can't get there from intercourse. Speak up, and ask for what you want!

4. Your fantasies are as valid as your partners; communicate them. Seems simple enough to the 30-year-old women we are now, I know...but remember when you were first having sex, and that all-about-the-guy mentality was running rampant through your mind at all times? Silence that shit. What you think is hot, is hot. What you want to try, you should try.

5. You can have casual sex just as easily as the next guy. This may be the real kicker. Women are taught to believe that we are incapable of sex without emotion, and that we cannot enjoy sex without an emotional connection. It seems to be general knowledge that sex always invokes deeper feelings from a woman, that a casual sex encounter cannot work because women always get attached. While I am sure this may be true for some women, it is not a universal blanket truth. Sex is a physical act. Sometimes, an orgasm is all the connection a girl really wants! It's these gender role stereotypes that are drilled into our brains that prevent us from having the great time we deserve. Sometimes we all just need a friend to help us scratch an itch - and that's fine - again it is all just about communicating and being open and honest about your feelings as they come up!


6. You should never, ever fake an orgasm. Ever! No good ever comes from faking it. You're not getting off, and by faking that you are, your partner doesn't know that he may not be doing something to your liking - how is that a success?! Be. Honest. Faking an orgasm is like, telling a lie. And a stupid one at that.

7. Girls can masturbate too. And you don't have to pretend that you don't, because we all know that we all do it on the regular. Own it!


8. Girls can also watch porn. And you don't have to pretend that you don't. It can be a damn good time!

Again, like I said yesterday, it's just so important to be honest and to communicate with the people you get naked with. As a society, we tend to not be as open and honest about human sexuality as we should be, but we are the only people who can change that dynamic. Be honest with yourself, and with your partners. Be honest with your kids - age appropriately, of course - and help change the cycle where sex is seen as shameful or secretive. Men like sex. Women like sex. There is nothing to be awkward about.


My advice for today: Just go out and fuck somebody. 

I'm just kidding. 

No, but really.