Monday, June 9, 2014

It's Important to Know Your Fuck Number


Attention Mom - Don't Read This Post

In conversations with men about sex, I often find myself replaying that scene in Bride Wars, where Kate Hudson is standing in her closet, trying to cram herself into her wedding dress, and yells to her fiancee, "God, what do boys learn in school?!?" I find it hard to believe the number of men I encounter who say some seriously dumb shit about sex. 

And before you get all uppity and start a new hash tag over my mistreatment of the male species, yes I am well aware of the dumb shit women say about sex, too. Maybe I'll address those in another post...

But today, I am focusing on the things men believe are true about sex, that aren't. And the things men never learned in sex ed class, that they should have. I do strongly believe that there is a serious problem with sexual education in our country, but that is on a serious note, and today, I am really feeling more snarky than serious. My lucky readers, right? 


Things (some) men never learned about sex, 
as pulled from what will someday be a book but are currently just ideas floating in my brain:

1. Sex is not a race to the Big Finish. In fact, (most) women prefer that it take some time. We can't just get revved up that fast; we need a minute. I recently had a conversation with one of my male friends, in which I was told "some guys forget that girls are involved and think it's a race." Epic fail. Forget a girl is involved? How do you forget a girl is involved when you literally are - well - in her?!

During this conversation, I explained to my friend that what he should have learned from a high school gym teacher  is, you should always masturbate before a date. It even rhymes, so you can't forget! Just like women masturbate before a date to lessen the chances of fucking you in the booth over an appetizer (yea, we do that sometimes, when we're super into you), you too should be prepared. It's like, the motto for life: Always be prepared [to get laid after dinner]. You're welcome Boy Scouts, I just made that better for you. 


2.  On the flip side, women do not require marathon sex on a nightly basis either. It's true what they say, the more often you have sex, the more you want it - at least that is the facts for the women I am friends with. But nobody has time to have marathon sex every day. As they say, ain't nobody got time for that! I mean, we have to work early sometimes, or we have laundry to get done, or maybe my lady biz is still recovering from the marathon we did make time for yesterday. In any case, while is is not always a race, it also doesn't always have to take all night. In the same recent conversation, I was told that quickies are a man's best friend. Good news, homeboys, a quickie can also be a woman's best friend - especially if you do it right. Sometimes all it takes is one dirty text from her man at work, to give a woman the spins, resulting in the best quickie you ever had. Plus, there is a lot of grey area between marathon and quickie, and we're down for all that too.

3. We don't care how big your dick is. No really, we don't. We only care that you know how it works.

4. (Most) women who say they "don't like" something in the bedroom, haven't tried it, had a bad experience, or are lazy. I was talking to a girlfriend about food yesterday, because I tend to say I don't like food I've never tasted, like mushrooms. I have never eaten a mushroom, but I claim not to like them. A lot of women are the same way with blow jobs. I don't like like giving head is not a reason for you to run, but rather an invitation for a follow up question. Why not? What don't you like about it? Chances are, if she's young, she's never done it, or if she's not super young, some other dude freaked her out one time and since it causes her no physical pleasure, she went with I don't like it. Maybe you're the lucky guy who gets to remind her of how enjoyable it can be...eh? This is not to say, of course, that you should force something on your female counterpart that she isn't into or is not comfortable with (obviously). I'm just saying, women are probably more into things than they even think, and maybe we should just all talk a bit more openly about it and see what happens.

The same can be said for different positions, toys, dirty talk, anal...chances are, based on the anatomy of a human, most of us could be fairly into several common "favorite" positions, including anal sex. It is what it is. Anatomically, pleasure can happen that way - for the vast majority of us. But lots of women I know - most of whom have not given it a chance - would claim not to like it, based solely on a mental roadblock. Again, I am just a big advocate of open communication, as well as of trying new things that turn on your partner. So the next time your lady says she doesn't like something, I invite you to just ask her why that is. Maybe she'll like it with you.

5. Her G Spot is a real thing. So is her clit. These are not mythological creatures that some man-hater made up in an effort to crush the male ego; they're real. And they're not that hard to find if - once again - you communicate with the person you are having sex with. Don't know where to look? Start with her vagina, and go from there. Google it. Ask her to show you the best way to find it. But for the love, do not deny the existence. I hate to break it to all of you fellas living in dream world, but if you do not know where your lady's clit is, she is faking her orgasms, and then getting herself off while you're in the bathroom. And nobody wants that either, so make sure you know where it is and how to get there!


What it all boils down to is, open communication. If you are having sex with someone, you should be able to openly communicate your thoughts, opinions, feelings, as well as your fantasies and your curiosities. Despite what you gentleman were taught in high school about God knows what, the truth is, your lady is probably just as freaky as you are; she just learned in high school that she isn't supposed to be. While you guys learned about how to not knock a chick up before you married her, we learned that we should never admit that we like sex in any way other than missionary position with the lights off.

You can thank society for that.