Thursday, October 10, 2013

So You Wana Talk Dirty...

This blog topic isn't really on the writing prompt list, but after my post last night about the joys of sexting, I have had more than one person email me (or leave a comment) asking for the skinny on texting dirty. So apparently I should be teaching classes on the subject. Do you have to have a teaching license for that, or could I just do a workshop out of the back of my car? I bet people would show up...

*Note, before I go any further: This blog plays into some pretty shallow gender stereotypes. I understand that not all men are horny machines and not all women are not. Stop judging and just enjoy the read for what it is - a lesson in making your partner think about you naked all day while he's at work. Sheesh, people.


So, a long time ago...like, years back, when I was too young to care...I read an article somewhere - probably in Cosmo - about phone sex, and how men and women communicate so differently that it can be a challenge to be successful with phone sex for couples. And I have totally seen this be true with my friends. And obviously I know that men and women don't communicate the same way, because women are just so much smarter so much more verbal than men. The article talked about how women tend to care about "the scene" of a dirty conversation, such as where you are, what you're wearing, what the weather is like...while men are more focused on the sexual act taking place. So basically, what I read was, guys just want you to get to the point when you're having phone sex, while women need to get their engines revved. Essentially, the communication breakdown between men and women regarding sex also applies to phone sex: men need to take some more time to turn a woman on, and women need to think a bit more aggressively and a bit less about the dishes in the sink.

As I have discussed with some of my girlfriends over wine, beer, chick flicks, I am not big on phone sex. I am far too giggly to be on the phone with a guy while I...take care of business. Plus, I get distracted by the tv, or your mom calls on the other line, or my phone dies. Awkward. I am, however, into...would you call it text sex I guess? I can appreciate dirty talk in the bedroom and over the phone...hell you could send me a handwritten letter and I'd be into it. One thing I like about texting dirty is that it can last all day, which is great for women because, as we all know, we can take some time to warm up. I love when I can spend the day off and on texting and know that I have said all the right things to be ready to have sex the moment I walk in the door from work. This is a skill I have taught more than one of my friends - you're welcome, ladies who I will not call out right now.

Anyways, so what makes me a better sexter than you? I think like a man. I know, that sounds stupid. I don't natually think like a man. I think like a woman, and I have the sex drive of a woman...I need the warmup most of the time, but I have definitely trained myself to use the texting as a means of foreplay throughout my day, and I am telling you people, it works. But you have to send your guy sexts that are actually going to push his buttons, not just yours. Like I read in that article, don't text him about what color the sheets are in the imaginary bedroom scene you're painting, and don't offer any details a mile long about the color, fabric, thread count of your lacey jammies. Your guy does not care. What he wants to know is, how wet he makes you when he kisses your neck, and what crotchless item you can't wait to feel his tongue through. Oh, and he absolutely wants you to take an hour worth of texts to explain just exactly the new blow job trick you learned in this month's Men's Health magazine. But he doesn't care what toothpaste you used before you pulled his boxers off with your teeth.

Did you know you can actually need about 14 pages of text to describe a blow job? I think it takes longer to properly describe a blow job via text than it does to actually give a blow job...

Now here is the kicker. You can be a total cock tease if you can't live up to your sexts. And that's bad. If you spend all day sending dirty messages, or even more enticing, photos, to your guy throughout the work day and then complain about laundry or grocery shopping when you get home, that's an epic fail. In fact, if you spend all day talking about sex with your men and then complain about laundry and grocery shopping when you get home, you are an epic fail. If you're going to spend the day turning on your man and giving him written reasons to have to hide a boner from his boss, you better be planning to follow through on that when you get home from work. So don't sext if you're too tired or if you have a headache. Lame-o.

And don't sext something to your man that you won't actually be willing to try in the bedroom. Red flag. Cock tease. If you know your man's fantasy is a threesome (gross) and you would never, over your dead body, go there, don't text that you would, or you may come home to find some slut in your bed waiting to ravish you. Take your sexting down a safe path to things that he fantasizes about that you are, in fact, willing to do. Perhaps your boyfriend/husband/man guy friend you casually have sex with has a specific thing he loves to do that isn't necessarily your favorite? Are you willing to go there tonight? Good, spend the next 6 hours talking about how you can't wait to go there.

Let's recap...
When is not an appropriate time to sext:
1. When you have a headache (if you use that as an excuse to not have sex).
2. When you're too tired (if you use that as an excuse to not have sex).
3. When you're on your period (if you use that as an excuse to not have sex).
4.  If you have an excuse for why you won't have sex tonight.
5. That is all.

When is an appropriate time to sext:
1. When you're out of town.
2. When he's out of town.
3. When he's in a meeting at work.
4. When he's at a late dinner with his boss. Or his mom. Or better yet, his Grandma.
5. All the time. Every day.

The beauty of sexting is that, unlike phone sex, you can take all day to walk through one imaginary setting, because you will inevitably get sidetracked. Afterall, you should be at work, you horny freaks. And waiting 30 minutes for the rest of your message that ended with, "and then I would take my tongue and..." will seriously leave your dude on an emotional rollercoaster all day. You can find pleasure in that you are driving him crazy and seriously distracting him, and you can also look forward to getting laid after work. Before you do the laundry, or the dishes, or the grocery shopping.

You should also be prepared to have your world rocked before you get to come home and shower, so do yourself a favor...tomorrow, before you spend the day sexting with your man, take the extra 10 minutes to shave your legs, and wear sexy panties to work. And then send a photo of them to your man with a message about how you just can't wait to do it on the dining room table.

This concludes our first lesson in how to sext like a professional. For any of you ladies who get laid tonight, you are welcome. And for any of you men who get a picture of your woman's cleavage at lunch today, you are even more welcome.