Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Its Not Easy Being Green

I have always considered myself a relatively stable person, as well as a pretty easy-going girl. I don't have a lot of crazy-person tendencies, and generally I am the girl who comes down on other girls for the dumb shit they do. I don't Facebook/Twitter/MySpace/Text stalk my boyfriends, and I don't really care all that much about who they are friends with and what gets posted or texted. Mostly because in my relationships, I tend to be pretty secure. If you're going to cheat on me, you're a fucking ass hat, so I may as well not waste the time or energy being jealous or insecure about it; if you're a cheater, I know I am better off without you anyways. And I know that I am a pretty good girlfriend in most aspects, so I don't have reason to be all weird about some other girl treating you better than I do...unless she cooks for you, I suppose, cause I can't do that.

That said, I have to admit, I tend to be quite jealous at times. Not raging lunatic jealous, but small twinges of buttons that are easily pushed by certain things. I think jealousy is my vice, and I would love to delve further into it with a therapist sometime. Because I don't think it is super healthy to  be jealous when you have no reason to be. As someone who is pretty emotionally level in most regards, I find it interesting that I tend to suffer from the little green monster crawling all over me at times.

I have been working very hard on myself, and on becoming the best possible version of me in the last year, so I've done some reading on what makes people jealous, and most of what I have read blames jealous feelings on insecurities or lack of trust. And I guess to me that just doesn't seem like the right answer. Like I said, I am fairly secure in my relationships. I suppose you could argue that when I am casually dating someone, I may be less secure, and that makes some sense, because it is true that I don't like being in limbo...but I don't find myself any more jealous while in the dating phase, or any less jealous in a commited relationship. It is a pretty consistent feeling of slightly jealous, regardless of my relationship status with an individual. So weird!


I asked my mom recently if she thought jealousy was genetic, because after 30+ years of being with my dad, my mom is still jealous. So maybe it is all my mom's fault, right?

In any case, I would love to gain some perspective and do some further soul searching on this, because I know jealousy is an annoying trait, and it is something in myself that drives me crazy. I should be able to embrace something new and exciting for what it is and not deal with any envy over anything stupid during that time. See? I have said time and time again, everyone needs therapy, and there is always a reason to go!