Sunday, May 31, 2015

PSA: Stop With the #DickPics

Because I am lucky enough to have this blog as a platform to make my voice heard, and because not all women are fortunate enough to have such a public voice, I feel that I need to make this firm statement for all of us. It's what we're all thinking, I assure you, and I'm comfortable confronting this issue here, for all of us.

Men of the Universe, please. Stop sending us your #dickpics.

Seriously. Just stop it.

At what point did this become a thing? Who was the first man to be standing in front of a mirror thinking, I bet my girl would love to see a picture of my penis right now...and why did he think that?

There is nothing sexually stimulating about a dick pic. Honestly. It isn't what we want to see in the daylight. I'm at work. I'm on the phone. I'm dealing with someone at my desk. And you just blew up my phone with your penis. Really?! Why?? Just, please no.

This isn't to say that we want you to go away. Don't take this message as an attack on you personally; we like you enough to sleep with you, clearly (unless you're sending unsolicited pictures of your junk to girls who haven't even seen it in real life, in which case, just seriously, stop that immediately...a snap chat is NOT the way to reveal this to us for the first time). Do we like your dick? Of course we do. It's probably part of why we're putting up with half of your bull shit, actually. We like the things you do to us with it, for sure. We even like most of the things you want us to do to it. But, it's not like a visually attractive part of your body that we want to see blast across our cell phone in the middle of the work day. It's too much; there's too much going on. Pictures of your dick are just a little...intense, fellas.

I can fully understand the confusion. I mean, you ask us for sexy pictures all the time, and when we oblige, you're thrilled. But how often, when you've requested a pic from your girl, does she send you a full frontal, between-the-thighs photo of her vagina? Umm...almost never. I can assert this with confidence, as I have never known one of my girlfriends to tell me about the hoo-ha picture she emailed earlier this morning. You're far more likely to receive a little teaser...some cleavage, maybe even a nipple, some sort of look-what-i'm-doing suggestive snapshot, in which we're able to totally turn you on without actually sending our lady biz through the internet. Nobody needs such intensity in their day. We're not in porn, people, this is real life.

Don't get me wrong. I can also fully appreciate the effort. You're simply trying to make us a little hot in the middle of the day. Just trying to make sure we're thinking of you. Wanting to get some foreplay out of the way before it even gets to be lunch time. And that's kinda sweet of you. But the thing is, an uninvited photo of your partially-aroused-but-also-still-sorta-tucked-into-your-boxers situation, is just not the best way to get the ball rolling (see what I did there?). We want something a little more put together, a little more, what about a picture of your abs or your shoulders, a little shirtless action maybe? What we don't want, is just full-on dick. That's not sexy. Nothing says, I'll pass, like a boner in my text inbox. Less is more, man. Less dick, please, and maybe just a little more of your Man V.

In short, the next time you're trying to arouse a woman, just stop yourself for one minute and put some thought into it. Ask yourself what she'd do if you walked in the front door and put your penis in her face without so much as a hello? I'm sorry, but that doesn't tend to be the best course of action. Would you come home from work, walk up to your girl, and just shove your dick right in her face? I really don't think so. Maybe look at it from that perspective. A dick pic on her cell phone, is a little bit like a nonchalant t-bag to the face. We're not ready for it, we're really not into it, and we're actually a little grossed out by it. No man gets laid that way. So again, the next time you get the urge to photograph what's growing in your pants, please remember that ladies just can't get on board with full penis blowing up our cell phones all day.

Repeat after me: Just say no to #dickpics.