Okay, I think they're gone.
I cannot take full credit for the subject of this post. It was sparked by a conversation with one of my best friends, over a Red Robin chicken salad, at lunch last week. But we somehow decided that despite it being her idea, it was the perfect post for me to write. And apparently, chicken salad at Red Robin in the middle of the day, while on lunch from work, is the perfect time to talk to your best friend about sex. I mean technically, is there really any un-perfect time to talk about sex??
Everybody knows, there is good sex and there is bad sex. And also that there is decent, mediocre sex, as well as mind-blowing epic sex. Well, I guess there's also awful, terrible, no-good sex, but that's another day. Let's just move forward assuming sex, overall, is good. It's varying levels of good, depending on the day. Sometimes you're rushed, sometimes you have all night long, sometimes you get to do it a few times in a day. Regardless, I think we can all agree that sex feels good.
If it doesn't, I am truly sorry for you, by the way.
There is a level of greatness that women experience from really, really good sex, that men don't get to experience, and therefore don't understand. Ladies, you all know the feeling I'm talking about (and hopefully you know it well): when your lady parts hurt afterwards. Like, a real hurt. You know you had a great time with your man when you wake up in the morning, and your vagina actually hurts. It hurts to walk to the bathroom, it hurts to pee, it hurts to put your panties on, and then hours later, while sitting at your desk, you realize, it still hurts.
The awesome thing about having a sore vagina, is that it reminds you of what you did to get it. You can be sitting at work, on the phone, typing away, totally consumed in your work day, when suddenly you move your leg and are met with that pang of hurt in your lady biz. And instead of thinking, fuck, that hurt, you smile. You close your eyes and bite your lip, and you think about all the different ways that earned you that sore hoo-ha just a few short hours ago, and you almost have a tiny orgasm at your desk just thinking about it. (Another thing guys don't understand...girls can have legit tiny orgasms without even touching themselves). And you find yourself picking up your cell to send your guy a text about how you can't wait to get home to jump his bones, because you've been thinking about last night all day. Because a sore vagina makes you think about sex all day. Because a good hurt, feels damn good. So of course, after 8 hours of thinking about last night, you can't wait to rush home for more.
And the cycle of the good hurt vagina continues.
Guys don't get it. And you know how I know they don't get it? Because they apologize for it. When you make a comment about it, they say they're sorry, and then they look like lost puppies when you try to explain that it's a "good hurt." Because guys have nothing to compare this pain to, and they don't know what the fuck a "good hurt" is in relation to anyone's crotch. I mean sure, maybe you bit them or scratched their back up a bit, so they may have some residual sting there, or their muscles might ache, but their dicks definitely don't hurt after they have an awesome night of sex with a girl. And no guy has ever said, but it's a good hurt in any dick-related injury. So they just don't get it. And because they don't get it, they tend feel bad about it. Especially nice guys; nice guys feel extra bad about it. Because they didn't mean to hurt you or your lady biz.
Fellas, I am here to free you from your guilt. If your girlfriend/wife/fuck buddy tells you her vagina hurts, trust me, you put in work, and she was impressed by it. She is essentially bragging to you, to you, for you. She is thanking you for an awesome night in bed. She is practically offering to tell all your friends how good it was. She wants to post on Facebook and Twitter (and her blog) the fact that you laid it down last night. She's happy...no need to apologize!
I know, I know...it can be a bit confusing to hear that something hurts, but that it hurts in a good way. We realize that, as someone who does not know the good hurt of post-orgasm vagina, you guys don't understand. But I promise, this is not a set up; this is not a trap. You do not need to feel guilty when your girl peels herself outta bed and saunters off down the hall with a damn babe, that really hurt. Love you! She means it. We mean it. We appreciate the work you just did, and we appreciate the fact that we are going to leave for work still thinking about it, and that a couple hours after lunch we are still going to be thinking about it, and that if you did something really great, we're gonna think about it for a couple days.
So whatever you did last night that made her say that, lay it down again. She was on board.
Aaaaand thus concludes another daily dose of, things women do that confuse the fuck out of men. You're welcome.