I think in general, it is easier to assume the worst than to assume the best. Whether that be the worst in other people, the worst in what they say and what they do, or even the worst in ourselves. It's easy to forget other things people have said or done, and focus on one statement in order to twist it negatively. It's easy to give in to our insecurities and to let our imaginations run away with us, and it takes effort to focus on reality and to take things for what they really are. It's easy to lose total faith in ourselves, because for whatever reason, it seems to just be easier to be negative than to be positive.
I try very hard to maintain a positive outlook, and to focus on the positive attributes in the people in my life. I am surrounded by amazing people, and I finally feel like everyone I am spending time with, truly has my best interests at heart. With that, I have had to eliminate some relationships recently, one that was particularly painful (but less painful than continuing to exhaust myself in a one-sided friendship). It sucks when you realize that you care about someone so much more than they care about you that you have to literally delete them from your life - but sometimes that's what it takes in order to move forward and focus on the people who do actually care about you.
Following this messy goodbye, which ended with some harsh words and some fierce criticism (of which I was on the receiving end), I have felt a little guarded lately; and with feeling guarded tends to come a little more insecurity. Things that would generally not warrant a second thought, are weighing a little heavy on my mind. I have been a little more sensitive to what people say to me, and have been a little more aware of people's actions. Needless to say, it's been a little bit of a complicated week or two.
Earlier this week, I met up with a friend, who is seemingly also having a complicated week or two, for a drink. Well, a drink for me, several for him - he was the one having the shitty night, after all. And at the end of the night, not up for a 40 minute drive home, I found myself secure in the arms of a friend who has been a positive part of all of my days recently, feeling incredibly content. There was something comforting about fading into sleep, hearing him say, I sure like you, V, and knowing that in the pitch black, he couldn't see the smile spread across my face.
Of course, because I am feeling guarded, and because it's easy to jump into a negative space when you're feeling insecure, I've pretty much chalked that moment up to a drunk one that he doesn't remember, but it was still the most positive I've felt all week. It was a moment in which I felt as important to someone else, as they are to me. And that's a feeling I've been missing lately, from a lot of people (specifically the aforementioned, no longer involved in my life people). It can be challenging, always being the positive force your friends need, because they don't tend to realize that sometimes you need the same positive force from them. I needed that positive five seconds.
This week is my birthday week, and I intend to spend the next 7 days full of positive energy, surrounded by positive people. While I cannot control what happens in my work day, and while I cannot control the people around me, I can control my reactions. I can choose to be positive, to enjoy my entire week from start to finish, and to make sure that my interactions with the people in my life, continue to make me feel good - and that they continue to help lower my guard and lessen my need to protect my heart. It's going to be the best birthday week, because I am finally surrounded by the best people.
Birth-day week! Birth-day week!! (and yes, there is a dance that goes with that chant).