PSA: Stop With the #DickPics

Because I am lucky enough to have this blog as a platform to make my voice heard, and because not all women are fortunate enough to have such a public voice, I feel that I need to make this firm statement for all of us. It's what we're all thinking, I assure you, and I'm comfortable confronting this issue here, for all of us.

Men of the Universe, please. Stop sending us your #dickpics.

Seriously. Just stop it.

At what point did this become a thing? Who was the first man to be standing in front of a mirror thinking, I bet my girl would love to see a picture of my penis right now...and why did he think that?

There is nothing sexually stimulating about a dick pic. Honestly. It isn't what we want to see in the daylight. I'm at work. I'm on the phone. I'm dealing with someone at my desk. And you just blew up my phone with your penis. Really?! Why?? Just, please no.

This isn't to say that we want you to go away. Don't take this message as an attack on you personally; we like you enough to sleep with you, clearly (unless you're sending unsolicited pictures of your junk to girls who haven't even seen it in real life, in which case, just seriously, stop that immediately...a snap chat is NOT the way to reveal this to us for the first time). Do we like your dick? Of course we do. It's probably part of why we're putting up with half of your bull shit, actually. We like the things you do to us with it, for sure. We even like most of the things you want us to do to it. But, it's not like a visually attractive part of your body that we want to see blast across our cell phone in the middle of the work day. It's too much; there's too much going on. Pictures of your dick are just a little...intense, fellas.

I can fully understand the confusion. I mean, you ask us for sexy pictures all the time, and when we oblige, you're thrilled. But how often, when you've requested a pic from your girl, does she send you a full frontal, between-the-thighs photo of her vagina? Umm...almost never. I can assert this with confidence, as I have never known one of my girlfriends to tell me about the hoo-ha picture she emailed earlier this morning. You're far more likely to receive a little teaser...some cleavage, maybe even a nipple, some sort of look-what-i'm-doing suggestive snapshot, in which we're able to totally turn you on without actually sending our lady biz through the internet. Nobody needs such intensity in their day. We're not in porn, people, this is real life.

Don't get me wrong. I can also fully appreciate the effort. You're simply trying to make us a little hot in the middle of the day. Just trying to make sure we're thinking of you. Wanting to get some foreplay out of the way before it even gets to be lunch time. And that's kinda sweet of you. But the thing is, an uninvited photo of your partially-aroused-but-also-still-sorta-tucked-into-your-boxers situation, is just not the best way to get the ball rolling (see what I did there?). We want something a little more put together, a little more suggestive...like, what about a picture of your abs or your shoulders, a little shirtless action maybe? What we don't want, is just full-on dick. That's not sexy. Nothing says, I'll pass, like a boner in my text inbox. Less is more, man. Less dick, please, and maybe just a little more of your Man V.

In short, the next time you're trying to arouse a woman, just stop yourself for one minute and put some thought into it. Ask yourself what she'd do if you walked in the front door and put your penis in her face without so much as a hello? I'm sorry, but that doesn't tend to be the best course of action. Would you come home from work, walk up to your girl, and just shove your dick right in her face? I really don't think so. Maybe look at it from that perspective. A dick pic on her cell phone, is a little bit like a nonchalant t-bag to the face. We're not ready for it, we're really not into it, and we're actually a little grossed out by it. No man gets laid that way. So again, the next time you get the urge to photograph what's growing in your pants, please remember that ladies just can't get on board with full penis blowing up our cell phones all day.

Repeat after me: Just say no to #dickpics.

#TamponFails and #CumShots

I'm sure everyone saw the Instagram photo of the girl in bed in her sweatpants with her period leaking out the backside, because of course #womensrights to #grosseveryoneout. Instagram had deleted her picture because it was fucking disgusting, and then came back, tails between their legs, apologizing for offending women everywhere by censoring her, blah...blah...blah.

Before I go any further, let me clarify: I am a feminist. I am very often on my soap box about a blatant inequality between men and women, and I blog frequently about things like slut-shaming and women's rights to fair treatment. I believe very strongly in a woman's right to control and make decisions for herself and her body, I'm pro-choice, I'm all for birth control accessibility, and I don't think The Suits in politics have any place in women's health care rights whatsoever; nor do taxpayers.

So don't get your panties twisted when I say that posting a photo of your leaking period on Instagram for the world to see, is fucking gross. Some things are not "women's issues," but rather they are just nasty and have no business on the internet. Your period is a prime example of just such thing. Keep that to yourself, ladies, nobody wants to see how many hours it's been since you crawled out of bed to change your tampon.

That said, this chick's #tamponfail, along with a hilarious article on Buzzfeed this morning, have really got me thinking about periods, and specifically about why everyone thinks they're so disgusting, when they're really just part of the whole "being a woman" dream. At what point did it become so gross to have a period? We've had them for bazillions of years; has it always been gross? More specifically, when did society decide that women on our periods are too fucking gross to have sex with?

Everyone with a vagina has a period every month. Okay, not every single one of us; there's birth control stuff and medical stuff that eliminate a period for a certain percentage of women out there. But for generalization, most of us bleed out of our lady parts. 

Let's say we have our period for an average of 5 days out of every 30, starting at age 15.
Let's say we hit menopause at 50.
That's 35 years.
That's 420 months, or 2100 days of vagina bleeding in our lifetime.

And at some point, someone (probably a man) decided that in those 2100 days, we are off limits for sex. Because, gross!

But that's my question. When did that happen? And why? Did you know that the most effective way to eliminate menstrual cramps is to have an orgasm? And that instinctively, women are the horniest right around that time? We're also more attractive to men, pheromone-wise, when we're on our periods. And on top of all that, a great percentage of females are most able to reach orgasm from vaginal intercourse, while we are on our periods.

So of course, yuck, don't do it.

I obviously don't have the answers to any of these questions, but my feminist ass will get back on my soap box and admit that I do not wish to surrender 2100 days worth of potentially great sex because some immature boy thinks it's yucky. Please. You know what's yucky? Cum!

And yet, no woman is out there refusing to have sex with her man 2100 times over the course of their lives together.

Because society (and pornography) are not telling us that cum is disgusting. They're too busy telling us that periods are disgusting. And that's because society apparently hates women. Society and Porn want us to carry on thinking a hot sticky mess is far superior to a little bit of blood. Society and Porn want us to continue thinking that somehow a wet spot created by male ejaculation is sexy, while a wet spot left by period blood is cause for a HazMat team. Porn takes it a step further, really, trying to convince us of places we as women should actually want cum. But I'll let you Google that on your own time.

I feel like I may be getting slightly off track, because now I'm thinking I could write a whole post about how much more disgusting cum is than blood...but that alone, is truly a disgusting thought that no one wants to read. My point really, is that I have almost zero interest in being with a man who can't handle period blood. I mean, really. Grow up. It's not like we're hemorrhaging all over the place; nothing is spurting or spewing anywhere. It's a little bit messy, sure. It's not the sexiest thing to have to be like, oh hang on while I get a towel to put down here. Period sex isn't generally as spontaneous and there's less foreplay, for the obvious reasons. But the reality is, it's also the time in the month where you're less likely to have to pause for any bottled lubricant, and where you're the very most likely to have an orgasm (despite missing out on all the aforementioned foreplay).

So for real, get over yourselves. After all, if I can deal with the sperm that comes swimming back down my leg as I stand up to go to the bathroom when we're done - every. single. time - then you, my dear, can tolerate a little bit of blood two or three times in a month when all I want is for you to relieve me of these torturous cramps.

And then maybe bring me some chocolate.

That said, please accept this as my promise and commitment to not ever post a photo of my period on the internet. Whether it be before, during, or after sex.

Because, actually fucking disgusting.