Wednesday, May 18, 2016

LA Face with an Oakland Booty

I hesitate to blog about racism, or perception of racism, because I'm white. I don't feel comfortable, in general, writing about racially driven topics, because we live in a country bursting with white privilege, and I don't want to risk anything I say being misconstrued into something I don't mean.

But I'm going to just come right out and say it today...

Blake Lively is not racist just because she tagged her Instagram photo with the very famous "LA Face with an Oakland Booty" line from Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back. 

Dear Twitter: Calm the Fuck Down. 

Blake Lively is not racist. She's white. And she quoted a rap lyric. A famous one. And not even one with the N word in it, as so many rap lyrics do contain. She is not racist just because she quoted a lyric. There is nothing racist about the lyric anyway, regardless of who says it. 

Blake Lively, for the record, has a perfect ass. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect ass. She may or may not be on my celebrity crush list. I'm not into girls, but I would likely bang Blake Lively, given the opportunity. She's hot. And guess what, she does in fact have a big booty! Had she been an adult when the song was written, it could have been written about her! 

Let's review the facts about Blake Lively that would erupt these Twitter trolls to declare war on her, shall we?

1. She's hot as fuck.
2. She's white.
3. She's tall, blonde, and sun-kissed.
4. She's married to the hottest man on Earth (with the obvious exception of Jake Gyllenhaal, who I am saving myself for).
5. She's pregnant and has a better body than anyone on Twitter.
6. She has the actual LA face, coupled with the actual Oakland booty.

Give me a fucking break, seriously. 

Americans are so ridiculous these days. We're so sensitive. We are such sheep that we just jump on any angry bandwagon we find on social media and run with it. Meanwhile, Blake Lively is a human, and is probably mortified by the fact that she's being accused of racism when she literally did nothing wrong.

She better not apologize. I hope she does not make any statement about feeling bad if she offended anyone. No one is offended. They're just ass holes. This chick did nothing wrong but walk her hot pregnant ass down the red carpet and make the rest of us slobber with jealousy. But she's famous, so they'll probably have to issue some bull shit apology statement. Just know, Twitter trolls, she doesn't mean it. She knows she isn't guilty. She's only guilty of having ass for days.

People have nothing better to do these days but bitch and moan about all the ways they get offended. Everyone's offended. And for real it's like, shut up. There are more important things in the world than accusing innocent people of racism when they aren't guilty of anything at all. 

Like shedding a bad light on the best song ever written, for example. 

Blake, honey, if you're listening...don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. Just walk down the street knowing that everyone on Twitter is so jealous of your perfection, they can't think. I would encourage you to respond by tweeting the full Baby Got Back video. #lafacewithanoaklandbooty 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Breaking the Law with Attitude

It is no secret that people have bad habits. We all do. Not one of us is perfect. Some of us are closer than others, sure, but perfection simply doesn't exist. And bad habits are just one reason why. 

My worst habit is texting and driving. 

I know. Shut up. I am doing SO much better about it, and now that my new car connects by blue tooth, I can literally just leave the damn thing in the back seat and force myself to knock it off. That said, I have one of the worst bad habits to have, because it is insanely dangerous. 

And also because it can sometimes make you do stupid shit.

Last week, I was heading to a comedy show on a Friday night, and had to pick a friend up on the way. Driving from Vancouver to Milwaukie at 4pm on a Friday, is literal Hell. Traffic was bad. So bad. So bad, I had been on the on-ramp from Mill Plain onto 205 southbound for ten minutes without moving an inch. 

So of course, I found myself messing with the features in the new car I'd bought earlier in the week. Programming the radio stations, getting my phone to connect to the blue tooth, and loading my Pandora stations.So while I was not texting, my cell phone was in my hand.

The weather was gorgeous, so even though I have air conditioning that works in my new car, I had the windows down and the music up loud. I was enjoying the cool breeze with my sunglasses on, listening to Keith Urban's newest single, when I heard a booming male voice from outside say, "get off your phone!!"

Instantly - as I hate to be yelled at - I shouted, "oh my god, fuck off, we aren't even moving!" I mean really, I'd been sitting in the same spot on this on-ramp for more than ten minutes. We were not going anywhere. 

"Excuse me?!?!" shouts the annoyed man out my passenger window.

I look up from my phone, expecting to see some punk-ass looking back at me, just trying to be a dick. He probably hates Keith Urban. And kittens. What a dick.

Instead, I find myself face to face with a police officer.

FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

I am now instantly back-peddling, and I lean over and say, "I am so sorry, I thought you were just a random person yelling at me. I am just trying to get my music to sync, I'm sorry!!"

And because the gods were on my side, he just shook his head and said I still had to put the phone down even though we were in traffic, before someone else pulled me over.

Oh. My. God. 

Sets phone down.

Smiles Awkwardly.

"Thank you, and again I'm sorry."

Faces front. Hands on ten and two.

Oh, and then we proceeded to sit side by side, windows down, my music up (he loved Keith Urban) for the entire hour it took to drive from Mill Plain to Johnson Creek at 15 miles per hour, both making occasional side glances.

Me not one time picking up my phone.

Bad habits are a real bitch. Apparently all I need to break this one, though, is to have a cop escort me everywhere I go. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Five Thousand Dollar Dinners

Have you ever sat down and added up the amount of money you spend on frivolous shit each month? More specifically, on food and drinks from anywhere other than the grocery store?

If you aren’t prepared to make a change in your dining habits, don’t. It will just make you feel bad about yourself.

But if you are prepared to make a change, to start spending more wisely and making better food and drink choices, the first thing to do is pull your checking account statements and add up every swipe from a Starbucks, 7-11, Walgreens, or bar/restaurant/night club. It will blow your mind.

And not in a good way.

I recently read a blog someone had posted on Pinterest that said, basically, that if you stopped going out to eat, stopped ordering lunch in, and stuck strictly to consuming foods purchased at the grocery store, you’d save enough money to buy a round trip plane ticket to anywhere in the United States…every month. Yes, every month. A round trip flight every single month.

No fucking way. There is no way.

But then my curiosity got the best of me. What if she was right?! What if I was really spending that much dining out every month – I mean, I do like to have Jimmy Johns and Thai Terrace delivered occasionally, and I do enjoy a good happy hour. I was convinced she might be right. So I very, very doubtfully pulled my checking account statement for February, March, and April of 2016.

Mind. Blown.

She was right!

I took into account every purchase from mini marts (Pepsi and white cheddar popcorn), Starbucks, and restaurant and bar. I accounted for every food or drink item I paid for with my debit card for 90 days. I did not count the food or drinks I bought while on vacation in Phoenix – part of being on vacation is always bars and meals out, so I don’t think that should be accounted for. And then I averaged the totals and was floored to discover that I have been averaging $450 a month in lunches, dinners, snacks, and happy hours. FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS A MONTH!! That’s more than a thousand dollars a month, people! That’s $5400 a YEAR! On food and beer!

For comparison sake, you should know that I eat lunch out maybe twice a week – usually Jimmy John’s, because I get busy and they deliver a lettuce wrap to me the moment I realize I’m hangry. And I would say I eat out maaaaaybe once a week; usually sushi on a Saturday with my roommate, or Thai food. I am not, by any means, eating three square meals a day at a restaurant. It’s not even close to a daily habit.

But it costing me five thousand dollars every year.

I committed to a 30 day challenge starting today. I’m not going to dine out for the next month, nor will I grab Starbucks or a soda on my way to a movie, while I’m out shopping, or in the middle of a bad day at work. I am committing to eating and drinking only what I purchase at the grocery store or farmer’s market from today until my weekend road trip on June 10th. My goal is to put that $450 that would have been spent on food, into my travel jar. Because let’s be real, all I ever want to do is take vacations. And I’d rather make my own lettuce wrap and jet off in a plane once a month than eat Jimmy John’s at my desk.

To keep myself focused and in line, I started thinking of all the things I could do with an extra $5,400 a year, and seriously the list blew my mind. I could go to Europe. I could go on a local trip every month all year long. I could live in a nice apartment without a roommate. I could finish my sleeve, tattoo my other arm and both legs. I could start a very expensive drug habit.

Okay so the last one isn’t something I’d actually do, but you see where I am coming from. The fact that I ever complain about money while I am simultaneously spending five grand on sushi and beer, is insane.

I really encourage you all to do the same. Tally your frivolous food tab, and commit to cutting it down. Even cut it in half, just to see if you can do it. The reality is, not only will I be saving a ton of money, but I’m sure to see positive changes in my weight and body size, as well as my overall health and well-being. Eating at restaurants is generally not good for you. You eat way bigger portions of non-organic, unhealthy food. You make choices you wouldn’t make at the grocery store, like appetizers and desserts. You are more likely to have a few beers instead of a glass of wine at home. In general, eating out as often as we do, is not good on our bodies or our pocketbooks. So I am looking forward to this next month, to see how much money I have to waste on other things.

Like shopping sprees with my roommate, to buy clothes that fit better after I lose weight from not eating at Panda Express.