Sunday, September 22, 2013

How to Get a Thigh Gap and Take Over the World

Ok, ok...by simply posting a video and refusing to blog on the topic of the day, I am ultimately failing at my daily blog challenge.

I am also then guilty of simply reading the topic on a surface level: What's your best physical feature?


The obvious answer here would be eyes, smile, earlobes, boobs, legs, ass, etc. Any girl, when asked what their best physical feature is, assumes that's what they are being asked. And I am no different. I sat here thinking about this post topic for a couple of days, trying to decide what is the best of all of my equally amazing physical attributes (kidding). And now that Stacey called me out on avoiding the topic altogether, I have been forced to really think more about it. I went to Pinterest to look for a quote or photo to get me started, as I was really struggling to think of a jumping off point.

And then I realized, as I typed in "body image" and hit search, that everything in my results was weight-loss based. How to lose weight. How to burn more calories. How to drop ten pounds and improve your body image. And then, there it was, the cherry on top of the how-to-develop-an-eating-disorder-in-just-ten-steps: How to get a thigh gap.

A what?!?
What the fuck is a thigh gap??

Upon further investigation, I learned that apparently, a thigh gap - also known as your thighs not touching together up near your lady biz - is, like, all the rage and what all the girls are after these days. Now, correct me if I am wrong (but I'm not wrong, so don't correct me), but I believe it is scientifically impossible to get yourself a gap between the thighs without being just flat-out born with wide hips. It does not matter how skinny fat, or muscular your legs are...you genetically have space between your thighs, or you don't. And if you don't...you're not going to develop anything other than anorexia trying to create that space.

I was floored. Literally. And don't get me wrong, I am very aware of my own body image and the insecurities I suffer based on that. But I am also not so over-the-top obsessed that I think I can just squat and starve my way to a gap between my thighs...it is just never going to happen!

So here I am, unable to come up with what I like better, my teeth or my ears, and I get this fucking media hyped message of, I am just plain fat and ugly because my left thigh touches my right thigh. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with society that we believe a woman can alter her fucking bone structure in order to appear thinner?! Is this seriously real? I may have a hard time looking at myself naked and deciding which part of my body is the "hottest" or the "best" (I can give you the numbers to a couple of people who would definitely say my boobs, lol), but I am definitely not looking at the mirror thinking...dammit, my thighs tough, I'm skipping dinner tonight.


I have a long history of following one stupid crash diet after another, and it has only been this year - since meeting my friend Kattie - that I have started making healthy diet and lifestyle changes, such as eating organic produce, limiting meats and dairy, never skipping a meal, etc. And the results are coming with those changes in a way that will be long-lasting, so I can be patient. I am old enough now to recognize that I will never be a tall skinny bean pole with legs for days and collarbones that jut out from my shoulders. I will also never be an NBA basketball player like I wanted to be when I was five years old. I have learned that as long as I am healthy, I will be sexy, and I am embracing that change in my mentality. But, that said, can you believe I took a BMI test recently that suggested my "ideal" body weight is only 103 pounds? Yep, 103. I weighed 103 in 8th grade, before I became a woman and started having a period and growing boobs, and have not weighed 103 since then. Thank you, BMI calculator, for suggesting I need to lose about twice the number of pounds I believe I need to lose. Fuck that.

The images, articles, photos, blogs, and especially the media, that bombard women on a minute-by-minute basis is truly enough to send any woman, even the mentally healthy, into a talespin over how fat her ass is or how many different sets of crunches she should to if she wants to be pretty. It is truly insane. How many of us looked at Miley Cyrus, naked, in her Wrecking Ball video and commented on her body instead of the fact that she is obviously starving for attention in all the wrong ways? She's too thin, but her ass is saggy. Her boobs are too small. Her hair looks like shit. Her belly is flabby. Ok, yea maybe some of that is true, but you know what Miley does have? A fucking thigh gap. And that shit is just her lucky-ass natural genetically wide hip bone structure. Damn her and her awesome pelvic bones!

What it comes down to is, women need to calm the fuck down about what we look like. Yes, we should work out and eat healthy, but not so that we can get too skinny or stay too hungry. We should not be trying to fit into the mold the world thinks we should be in...all five foot ten, 105 pounds of it...if you're 6 feet tall with legs for days, good for you. Own it. Wear flats and still look tall. I will attempt to maintain healthy jealousy. If you're a chick and you're a powerhouse, with an 8 pack and bigger biceps than your boyfriend, awesome. Rock that. Wear booty shorts and make even us straight girls drool over the washboard you call a stomach. If you're short, great. Buy heels when you need a tall day, and embrace that you can get away with wearing a lot of tee shirts as mini dresses. The only people truly judging women on their weight or the shape of our bodies, is us.


Need proof? I have continued to have guys try to have sex with me whether I was a size 2 or a size 12. At no point, at my lightest, my heaviest, or anywhere in between, have I stopped being attractive to men. So apparently, men don't really care what cup size I wear at the moment, as long as I have two boobs, nor do they care if I have a bit of a belly in the moment, as long as I still have skin. And there has definitely never, ever in the history of me having an ass, been a time when a guy has said, yea, too bad your ass fills out your jeans like that. And by saying all of this, I am not attempting to say that my body image lies in the hands of a man. BUT, I can prove my point that only women give a shit about being stick thin, because guys tend to enjoy women and want to have sex with them, just because they're women.

Oh, and for the record, I would consider my eyes and my bum among the best of my physical features...just so we don't all still think I skipped the blog topic. I love my eyes, I really do. They're big. People who do my makeup always comment on the amount of space between my eyelid and my brow...apparently it is fun to put makeup on such a big canvas. I like that my eyes are more than one color, and that they change color with the weather. Weird, yes. And my bum, well, that's just how I get the attention of the people standing behind me instead of the people looking me in the face, lol. I'm kidding. But I have always supported girls with junk in their trunk, because I have junk of my own and I actually prefer it that way. Nobody's gonna regret my bony ass sitting on their lap, and I can fill out a good pair of jeans, so I'm happy with that.

Now, I wonder if I could borrow my dad's chainsaw to take a couple centimeters off the inside of my thigh bone so I could have a thigh gap??