Monday, September 9, 2013

You Don't Scare Me!

Day 4 of the 31 day blog challenge is to write about what I am afraid of. The question here is, do I take it literally and write a blog about my fear of monkeys, or do I challenge myself to try a little deeper than that??

Let's start with monkeys, shall we? As many of you surely know, I am deeply afraid of monkeys. I am scared to the point that should I ever take my favorite little Blakey too the Zoo, we will have to skip the monkey exhibit unless he wants to venture through on his own. Even his little face, sweet and brave, cannot convince me. I. hate. monkeys.

Most of you know where this comes from, but in case you don't, get ready for this...

I was attacked by an oranutang as a child.

Yes, you read it right. Attacked! My mom will try to downplay my trauma by saying this monkey was a baby, it was small, it didn't attack so much as head butt me, blah blah blah...but whatever, I was attacked! In any case, a monkey - a wild animal - touched me! We were at the Zoo in California and, long story short, a toddler-ish age monkey decided it needed my baby bottle more than I did, and it made its move...ran up to my stroller, grabbed my bottle, tore it from my fingers and ran off. As you can bet, this experience, though I don't remember it happening, has scarred me for life. You don't need to remember something to be terrified of it 28 years later, I tell you what! So scary!!

And I could just stop my post right there and leave it incredibly shallow, but that isn't really stepping up to this blog challenge now, is it?

There are lots of trivial things I am afraid of aside from monkeys...bees being a close second, and also spiders. I am afraid that someone will let Juno out and she'll get lost or hurt, I am afraid of flying (although that fear will never hold me back), I am often afraid to taste new foods, and I am actually, honest to goodness afraid of least dogs that jump and lick my face, or that bark too loud.

I think, though, that at this point in my life I am afraid of getting my heart broken. Don't get me wrong, I am not in a place where I am unwilling to embrace the possibility of meeting someone, and I have in no way sworn off boyfriends for life or anything nutty like that. But I am hesitant to follow my "jump in with both feet" mentality since that has not worked out for me in the past. I am definitely more guarded than I have been, and I feel like I am at a point where someone will have to really show me that they deserve all that I have to offer as opposed to putting it out there only to have someone prove that they don't deserve it. I just feel like, I have gotten to the place mentally where I know I am a great catch - and yes, that sounds cocky, but its true - I am a great girlfriend, a great person, and I deserve someone equally as great, who doesn't want me to be different.


Everyone knows at this point that Kalib wanted to just turn me into someone else, wanted me to be home, be anti-social like him, do nothing but prepare his meals and kiss his ass, blah blah blah. I don't even need to go into all the reasons I know he was wrong for me. But more recently, looking at things with Mark, who I was completely in love with, I can see little things that maybe he didn't appreciate about my personality. Nothing big, but existing nevertheless. And I don't want to spend my life with someone who can't appreciate me for exactly who I am. I'm loud. I'm ballsy. I have a smidge of obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm blunt. I like to go out, have fun, be busy. I plan vacations because I am obsessed with the idea of taking them. I make snap decisions after spending hours making lists of possible outcomes. I love my family. I don't like to sit still. But all of these things are part of me, and a small bit of me is afraid that someone will appreciate only almost everything about the quirks of who I am, as opposed to what I want - someone to appreciate the whole crazy package.