Day Two: Your Top Five Pet Peeves
It seems appropriate to follow up
the ten things that make me happiest, with a list of things that annoy the shitout of me, right? I think so, yes.
Pet peeve number one: People who
stand too close to me in line. Back the fuck up please, seriously. I have
actually written a blog about this before, and it still rings true – get the
fuck out of my personal space! If I can feel you breathing on me, you are too
close to me. If I can swing my shopping basket and smack you with it, you are
too close to me. If I can hear you chewing or exhaling or just existing in
general, you are too fucking close to me! Move!! No one is getting out of the
store any faster just because you climb up my ass and hang out there. I like my
bubble, and I need you to just fucking stay out of it.
Unless I am dating you or you’re
my best friend, in which case I literally cannot get physically close enough to
you.
Pet peeve number two: People who
let their dogs jump all over you and use “he’s friendly” as their excuse. First
of all, friendly does not mean jumping on me, slobbering all over the place, or
humping my leg. Second, if he’s friendly, why am I staring at so many teeth?
And third, I don’t care if your dog is a cartoon character, I still don’t want
it jumping on me. I don’t like your dog.
Pet peeve number three: When
people stop texting in the middle of a conversation. I mean, I am definitely
guilty of falling asleep in the middle of a late night text marathon, and I
can’t count the number of times I have forgotten to respond to something I
opened at work and then got too busy to immediately respond to, but like, where
are these people going when in the middle of talking about something they just
stop? And like three days later, I’m still waiting for the punch line. I don’t
get it. Would you walk away from someone who was talking to you and just never
come back? Finish your thoughts, people. Say goodnight or goodbye like normal
human adults.
Pet peeve number four: Poor
grammar. I hate it.
Pet peeve number five: People
who make excuses for other people’s shitty behavior. Your
boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mom/dad/sibling is an ass hole. Don’t make an
excuse on their behalf! Let them fall on their face like they deserve! We’re
already judging you for associating with a sociopath; don’t make it worse by
clarifying that you do see what we see and are actually okay with it. Pretend
you don’t even notice their shitty comments, poor social skills, or shitty
personality. Don’t make a feeble attempt at getting us to just tolerate the
insanity because you can. We can’t. We don’t like people who behave like shitty
shitheads in public. And now we don’t like you that much either, because you
brought a shitty human to the party and basically acknowledged it while begging
our acceptance – or tolerance, at the very least.
No. I don’t want to party with
your shitty other half.
It was far too easy to compile
this list, by the way. I may have a short fuse, I can’t be sure. What I can say
for sure is that little things can be really agitating. I need a beer after
spending time considering all of life’s little annoyances…
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