Dear Santa, Is It Really December?

I need to blog.
Like, it's a literal need.
Remind me on New Years Eve that I made a resolution to write two blogs a week for the whole year.

I need to write.

And I can't thrive if the only things I write are resident violation notices and emails to my boss. #notenoughofanoutlet

Thus...December.

December brings a new blog challenge, hopelessly devoted to the magic of Christmas!!

Day One: Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
This year has truly flown by; how is it possibly already December?? How are we already thinking about Christmas??

Truth is, I haven't been thinking much about Christmas. I've been distracted by a new job keeping me insanely busy, an upcoming move, and (as always) family drama that just won't seem to die. I've also been wallowing in the gloom and disbelief of a Donald Trump presidential win (I wonder if I'll have my citizenship revoked for that). It's been a tough year, and I am - in all aspects of life - looking forward to the start of 2017.

This year for Christmas, I am simply asking for a little bit more fun in my life.

Okay well technically I am asking for weather-tech floor mats for my car and more Costco shopping trips with my mama, but that's from Mom-Santa.

From you, Santa, I just want the commitment to have more fun. To try more new things. To go on more adventures. To stress less about things that don't really matter in the long run. And to simplify things where I can, to make sure I am having more fun.

Starting this month. I have a full December, with holiday traditions, church dates with my grandma, the orchestra with my mom, a new apartment without any roommates (and therefore, not any pants), and a full 11 days off work between Christmas and New Years...which I intend to make plenty of fun.

Speaking of New Years...Santa, please let me have some fun this New Year's Eve. Not house party fun, but sparkly-dress-and-bright-lipstick, out-all-night, champagne-toast, need-an-uber-driver fun. I have never done a fancy New Year's Eve, and that's what I want to do. Sparkles, champagne, and dancing all night. These are the things I am after, Santa.

This year, in between the routine monotony I seem to have let slink in, I did get to try several new things - all of which were fantastic. I stayed in my first AirBNB, did my first wine tasting, joined my first wine club, traveled to Anchorage where I went on my first fishing excursion and saw my first moose. I attended my first paint night, threw my first surprise party - for my dad, who accidentally helped set it all up, unknowingly - , arranged to attend my first women's march, and signed up for my first regular monthly scheduled donation to Planned Parenthood (because, FUCK YOU, Mike Pence). So it's not like the year was an awful mashup up negativity by any means, but it certainly came crashing downhill with the election last month...I think I lot of women - myself included - are still reeling from it, and feeling a little gloomy.

Side note...Santa, where were you on election day, bro?? Can I ask for a new, less fucking bull shit president for Christmas?

Anyway, so while I had a lot of fun in 2016, I'd like your help, Santa, to ensure it's a better balance in 2017. Less stress, more fun.

Say it with me - less stress, more fun.

Oh and also, please bring me a million dollars, an open-ended plane ticket, a portfolio for my company in Bend so I can move there, a new tattoo (or several), and another season of Gilmore Girls revival.

Merry Christmas Santa!


 

Aren't Vampires Suppose to Catch Fire in the Sun?

I ran into my aunts this weekend at a holiday craft bazaar.

In a normal family, that would be literally, no big deal. In a normal family, I would have walked up and said hi, made some conversation, and maybe even spent some time with them at the event.

In a normal family, I would not have to debate whether I pretend I didn't see them, or to hide, or to walk up and punch them in the face.

In a normal family, running into your aunts at a craft bazaar is in no way a blog-worthy event.

I think it has already been established that my family is not a normal one.

Yesterday, I looked up from a craft table where I was admiring some bracelets, to see my aunts walking my way, my grandma in between them. And since I saw them before they saw me, I had several choices. Since my gut reaction to seeing someone I hate (and who hates me in return) is to duck and cover, I chose to walk the other direction and pretend I had not seen them. I didn't want to see them, or talk to them. or even walk past them pretending to not even recognize them.

For the record, it has been long enough since we've spoken, that not recognizing them could be a plausible argument.

In any case, I chose to hide and pretend I hadn't seen them. But then a few minutes later, I was trapped in a hallway where I was going and they were coming, and there was only one door. Shit! I was going to have to walk past them. Eye contact might even be made! FUCK!

At this point, I had another several options: blow off my grandma and stoop to their level, walking right by as if I didn't know them, or stop and say hi, which was the right thing to do being that my grandma was there too. So, with my heart racing and no desire to do so, I walked right up to the three of them, gave my grandma a hug, and said hello - just to her. I introduced her to my friend and asked her what she was doing up here in Vancouver, and after what seemed like an eternity (time slows down when two insane bitches are staring at you awkwardly not saying hello), told her I would see her soon and walked away.

Running into my aunts was inevitable at some point. In a ten year span is it really possible to not see someone who is genetically related to you, no matter how hard you try? But it was a good reminder of the moments when taking the high road actually becomes much more gratifying than running away and stopping to someone else's level. I could have hid from them, and I certainly could have just completely ignored them. I wanted to. But I also did not want to stoop to their level when it involved my grandma (even though they've spent their share of time discussing all the ways I mistreat her); my grandma did not deserve to be ignored just because she was in shitty company.

I have spent far too many years being hurt, sad, and angry by the way this family has unraveled. Seeing them was really a very good reality check that I have no reason to be hurt, sad, or angry anymore: these two women may as well have been complete strangers. I don't know them. They don't know me. I don't know where they live or what they do in their free time or on holidays. I don't know anything about them. They don't know me. They don't know what tragedies I have faced in the past six years, or the strength I have acquired after each one. They don't know that I am successful and happy, or that I am proud of myself for living the life I do. We don't know each other. And we don't need to.

I will always approach my grandma to say hi if I see her in public, regardless of how awkward other people make it. So go ahead and read this (I know you do), print it out and read it to each other over dinner, and try to find a way of twisting it into how I'm the bad guy. The reality is, you're the bad guys. You have successfully taken my grandma, my family, my support, away from me and have made me redefine all of that. I have spent several years attempting to find connection and to heal, and have only recently been able to let go of my intense feelings of anger, hurt, and honestly, hate.

You did that to me.

It is important to live your life in the company of people who care about you; people who support you and lift you up. For me, this has meant redefining what family means, rethinking what family is, and even reevaluating who belongs to mine. And it's been an uphill battle. It's been a series of stressful family events, a string of missed holidays, and a lot of hurt feelings. Because people in my family have hurt me, I've turned around and hurt other people by not showing up to holidays or by saying hurtful things. It's been a hard cycle, but in the end, I think it was inevitable. And running into these two strangers yesterday - two strangers who are blood related to me, who used to love me, who used to support me and lift me up - was the reminder I needed that I am living my life right.

I might even show up for a holiday next year.