Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Better Alone Than With Bad Company

After an embarrassingly long hiatus from my blog, I'm ready to recommit to it - the past year at work was incredibly demanding of my time, and I didn't have a lot of free time...and when I did, the last thing on my mind was sitting back down at the computer to type more things.

In any case, I am beginning a new writing challenge - technically it calls for 30 days. But you never know, I may get sick of it or think some of the topics are stupid...I'm finicky like that.

30 Day Challenge...Here We Go.

Day One: Your current relationship. Or, if you're single, discuss how single life is.

Wait a minute...didn't I already write this blog post in 2013??  (I did, for the record...and you can click that link to read my thoughts on being single a year and a half ago).

The "single life," by the way is just fine and dandy. I don't feel this nagging pressure to get married or anything...though, as a woman there is always pressure to hurry up and settle down and make a baby. But I don't mean the societal pressure that always exists; I mean pressure I put onto myself. I just don't really care that much.

There are moments where I want to be in a relationship. If I spend a bunch of time with my friends and their boyfriends/husbands, or if I am going to a wedding or a fancy party or something, sometimes I wish I had that automatic date. If I'm on a trip for the weekend or need someone to take me on an adventure, there are times where I'd prefer it be with a fella. Because sometimes, I get myself all convinced that being in a couple is where it's at. Or I spend time with someone and think, banging you exclusively might not be all that bad.

That is, of course, until I actually go on a date. At which point I generally stop and think, nope, I would rather be single. That is when I find myself thinking I'd rather casually bang a friend on a long weekend, take my "flavor of the week" to a wedding, or snuggle without pants with someone in a mutually agreed-upon friend zone, than have to suffer through nights with this parade of douche bags.

As most of my friends are aware, I spent a good portion of last year in a relationship with someone who also works for my company. I don't tend to throw the word relationship around that often, because I like to keep things casual and pretend I have no feelings. However, this was a relationship. He was at my place almost every morning; we had lunch together every day. We drove together to company things, I had briefly met his son in a carpool situation, just so we could go on a drive together. He spent his birthday with me, and was with me on Christmas Eve; this person and I were together for seven months. It was very quiet and on the down low, which I believed was strictly due to the fact that we worked together.

Or it was because he had a girlfriend he was 100% lying to me about. A girlfriend he assured me he had broken up with before anything physical (or emotional) ever happened.

Which came to a head on New Years Eve, when I texted him at midnight (he was at home, sick) and received a text back from his girlfriend asking that I stop texting "her man" in the middle of the night.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

But hey, whatever. I need not go into too many details about it, other than to say that this is the bull shit I am faced with as a single woman...guys who lie and cheat, and then turn other people on you in an effort to protect themselves. Even after it all blew up, they're together, and she hates my face because he convinced her that I was basically stalking him. In reality, he lived a full double life for more than half a year. In reality he played us both for a really long time. And in reality, she and I are equal victims of an egocentric, self-centered ass hole - the difference is, I know about it, while she knows only what he feeds her. I feel shitty about the part I played in it. I feel bad for her. I feel like throat punching him (though I do know that karma will do that dirty work for me). And I also feel bad for myself. He tricked me, and it hurt and was ugly and sad and so not okay on any level.

And people wonder why I am like, nah, I'll pass on the boyfriend thing. Thanks anyway though.

I am, by no means, bitter about relationships. I do actually believe - despite all of the garbage I have dealt with in the past - that someone will eventually treat me the way I want, the way I deserve. However for now, I'm not on a journey to look for that person. When he shows up, I'll be open, ready, and not guarded, because that is no longer how I operate. I don't let the things someone did to me in the past dictate how I approach people in the present. I don't wait for the shoe to drop. I don't wait for someone to lie to me, cheat on me, call me disgusting names, or hit me with things. That isn't the path I'm taking.

So, long story short...the "single life" is just fine. The better question, really, would have been to ask how's my life? Single or not, isn't it more important to really think about how your life is, than what your relationship status may be?