2017. Coming to You Live on January 9th.

2017 started with a bang.

Quite literally.

On Monday morning, at about 4:30am - after finally dozing off somewhere around 3:30 listening to my nightmarish upstairs neighbors and their dogs run and jump and bark and play drums and smoke and be fucking obnoxious fucking ass holes - I fell out of bed.

Out. Of. Bed.

I fucking fell out of my bed like a toddler sleeping in a big-kid bed for the first time ever, smacking my forehead on the nightstand drawer, which I had lazily left slightly open, landing on my arm, which has now been sore for 48 hours. And this was how I woke up on January 2, 2017.

Great.

After I fell out of bed, I slept for about 30 more minutes before it occurred to me no later than 6:00 in the fucking morning that thanks to the aforementioned ass holes living above me, I wasn't getting any more sleep. So I got up and took my time getting ready for work. (For the record, I have to be at work by 9:00, so I usually get up between 8:00 and 8:40, depending on whether or not it's the one day out of every five to twelve that I commit to actually washing my hair.)

Instead I'm up at 6 fucking o'clock. And you bet your ass I BLASTED Pandora the entire 3 hours. Fuck you, upstairs neighbor. Wake your shit asses up, and enjoy the sweet, sweet sound of Bryce Fox on volume level ear-piercing.

I was then in my office by 8:00 in the morning, I spent the next 8 hours getting bitched at because you know, people are surprised every single month when they have to pay their rent, and somehow the fact that they can't afford their apartment or got in a fight with their roommate or broke up with their boyfriend, is my fault. Well, sure, that does make sense. My bad. I then left work, went to Costco with my mom, where literally everyone on Earth was shopping with their bratty-ass children who were acting like feral cats, and their stupid husbands who were too bored to pay attention to the fact that they were standing in the middle of the aisle with their thumb up their ass, and their dog.

Side note: DON'T TAKE YOUR DOG TO COSTCO YOU STUPID MOTHER-FUCKER!

On Monday, because I didn't get any sleep at all on Sunday night, I came home from Costco, had saltine crackers and peanut butter for dinner. and went to bed.

I'm awesome.

Today I got up at 8:45, because I didn't have to wash my hair, and got to work where I was literally told to fuck myself (side note, YOU fuck YOURSELF, you dumb twat) four times - again because people forget that I am not in charge of managing their finances or their lives or their abilities to be a human. And then I came home and had popcorn for dinner, because I have had such a shit-ass two days at work I don't dare go to the grocery store for anything adults eat for dinner, and am sitting on my couch at 8:00pm, watching a Jim Jeffries comedy special in a fluffy bathrobe, drinking a Corona and considering just going to bed.

Of course I am really busy reading insane messages sent to me by desperately horny, unattractive, possibly-single-but-probably-married, dick-pic-sending, perverted freaks on Plenty of Fish, so I'll probably stay up for a while. These dudes do make me laugh, if nothing else.

In short, 2017 has not made it easy thus far, for me to maintain my resolution of being fucking amazingly positive about all things.

It's not easy to resolve to be positive when people are screaming at you to fuck yourself.
Especially since you're supposedly paid to listen politely as they do so (side note, I will absolutely not be tolerating bull shit behavior from anyone in my life this year, and that does include residents).

It's not easy to resolve to be positive when you're sleep deprived.

it's not easy to be positive when you haven't been to the grocery store like an adult and are now consuming food that is in direct violation of the health and fitness resolutions you made less than 72 hours ago.

It's definitely not easy to resolve to be positive when you fall out of your god damn bed the first morning of the new year!

And so I have adjusted my resolution slightly. I'm an adult, and I can do that.

I have resolved that I will start my new year on Monday, January 9th. Because you know what? Rent week is not a good week in property management. And the rent week following Christmas is quite possibly the WORST week of all time in the entire career of property managers. So I am not going to set myself up to fail, plain and simple. For me, the next six days are still 2016. They don't count. My new year is the property management new year, which officially begins the Sunday evening following the first rent week of the new year.

Beginning on Monday, I will have gone to the grocery store. I will have located and charged my FitBit. I will have bought enough water to stay hydrated. I'll be ready for my exercise, and I'll be ready to not eat M&Ms for lunch as I try to not stab someone who is calling me names because they owe a late fee.

Beginning on Monday, I will have cleaned my apartment and done the dishes, and will have addressed my issues with my upstairs neighbor like a grown up instead of by blaring Pandora in their ears for three hours. I will have updated my address and forwarded my mail and done all my laundry. I will be fully adult on Monday.

I have already resolved that 2017 will be a positive, awesome, fantastic fucking year, where I go after my goals and crush every last one of them. It just so happens, that I know I can't do that, this week. Fuck this week.

Lesson: It doesn't really matter if you fall, as long as you get back up.

2017. I'm still winning. I'm just a week late to the game.

Thank You, Times Ten

Day 3: Ten Things I am Thankful For in 2016

2016 has been a bit of a shit storm.
Read: Donald Trump was elected President of the United States, and everyone in the world with a vagina, realized how worried this should make us.

Anyway, when you have a year that is a total zero, it can be really challenging to remember all the things you have in your life to be grateful for. When this blog asked me for ten things I am thankful for in 2016, I was like...ten?!? What the fuck man...haven't you heard the news that Mike Pence is our new Vice President?! How can I possibly find ten things?!

It took less time to think of ten, however, than I initially thought it was going to. Because the reality is, that despite the terrible impending presidential inauguration, and despite all of the chaos, the shootings, the celebrity deaths that have happened in 2016, there is still no shortage of things I should be (and am) incredibly, deeply grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to live with my best friend, and that we had such an awesome six months of best-friend-roomie time before she moved out (and I moved in another roommate who was awesome). Kattie and I finally bit the bullet and rented a two bedroom apartment together, despite fears that her cats would torment Juno. We spent six months eating Thai take out or Chinese delivery while working on property financials, watched Teen Mom in our jammies, pulled hilarious pranks on one another involving a large, wiggly purple dildo that suction cupped to literally any surface, and used the money we were saving by living together, to take several fun long weekend trips together.

For the record, Juno was the one doing 99% of the tormenting. Because she's a dick.

2. I am grateful for my Thanksgiving weekend trip to Pacific City, both the days I was there alone, and the days I was joined by Stacey & Blake. It was so great to have the alone time, great to have the peace and quiet to read and sleep in and lounge around in my jammies. But it was just as great to have the five-year-old tornado show up, to share my holiday movies with him, take him on a stormy beach walk, and drink wine with his mama. It was a perfect reminder that I can make or break my own holiday traditions.

3. I am grateful for Top Ramen. Because we all need to have comfort food sometimes.

4. I am grateful for my girlfriends, who have - for another year - reminded me what friendship looks like. It's hard to be a girl. It's hard to find girls to befriend who have no hidden agendas, or who aren't total bitches. Men don't really understand that - like, it is really hard to be friends with girls. So the fact that I have a tight-knit group of women who support, love, and encourage me...is something I am truly grateful for.

This year, last year, and surely next year.

5. I am grateful for my family - yes, all of them. The good, the bad, and the ugly of my family dynamic has shaped me. From a side of my family I don't have a strong relationship with currently, I still have plenty of wonderful childhood memories. From the side of my family I do have a relationship with, I have ongoing wonderful memories. I have enjoyed quality time with my grandma this year that I haven't had in the past, and I am grateful for all of it. I am fortunate to have parents who I can have fun with, talk to, and ask for help - not everyone has that, and the more people I talk to, the more rare it seems to have the mom and dad I have, who are really there to pick me up whenever I fall.

6. I am grateful for my strong voice. The voice that was finally able to express my concerns to my family, though they were not well received (unless a total freeze out means something is well received). The voice that has been able to stand up for right and wrong through a horribly exhausting presidential debate, and a voice that has had no fear of standing up for people who are being horribly mistreated. I am grateful that I can speak up.

7. I am grateful for Juno. She's my favorite. And yes, I am aware that she's a cat...that doesn't mean I like anyone else better than her. I don't. I like her better than any of you.

8. I am grateful for my job. Even though there are days I really hate it, I am glad to work in an industry where I am respected (usually). I appreciate that I am not one of the many people out there who wake up every day and dread going to work. I like my property, I love my team, and I enjoy the 40+ hours I spend each week with them.

9. I am grateful for silver tequila.

Obviously.

10. I am grateful for 2016, in general. Despite it being awful in many instances (MIKE. FUCKING. PENCE.), it has still been a year with many positives. I survived a property sale in one piece, got a promotion, earned two raises, stood up for myself in many, many situations, went on vacations, paid off all my bills, and enjoyed a lot of wine with a lot of good company. I had a roof over my head, I spent time with my family, and didn't spend thousands of dollars at the vet. I am happy and healthy, and so is my family. And most importantly, so is the cat.

Because again, I do like her better than any of you.