Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I Like Your Dick in a Box

Last summer, I blogged about the importance of the two-night stand. It was (and is) my belief that since the first time you have sex with someone new tends to me the most awkward and not the best, you should give everyone you bang a second go-around, just to make sure. Because when you have sex with someone you've never been with before, there can be some stumbling and fumbling around, and just a general awkwardness in that you don't know what that person is into...and they likely are unaware of what gets your motor going best as well.

So, I stand by it; if you bang someone once, just go ahead and plan to bang them twice.


What I didn't touch on in that post, that has been the topic of my girls-totally-talk-about-sex-too-much conversations with my girlfriends recently, is that the first time you bang someone also tends to be just like opening a gift on Christmas morning. 

Think about it.


On Christmas, you're really excited about your presents, right? But then aren't there the occasional ugly sweater vests or footed jammies that end up a total let down? Sex for the first time is totally the same. Sex for the first time is exciting and generally much anticipated. Chances are, you've been out a few times (or at least a few hours). There's been flirting and tension, and in this day and age, possibly also some sexting, and it's finally getting to be about that time. You take him back to your place, where you have already stashed condoms within a lustful arm's reach of your bed. If you're smart, there's also lube nearby. You've poured two glasses of wine, the lighting in your apartment is on point, and you're excited because you know he's hot and you can't wait to unwrap him...er...rip his clothes off.


From here, first time sex can go one of two ways. It can be awesome, or it can be disappointing. It can be like when you tear into the Christmas wrapping on a box and discover an iPad or a new computer, or it can be like when you discover socks and pajamas. And no matter the amount of sexual tension leading up to the first time you bone someone, it can still end up a total let down - kind of like the build up of getting some fancy new amazing toy, only to discover that it's a Made in China piece of crap when you get it out of the box. 

Sometimes, the most attractive people, suck in the sack. And sometimes, the people who are a little shy or nervous, end up being the most amazing sex you can ever remember having. There's just no way to tell if someone you fuck is going to fuck you right, until you fuck them. And so by all means, fuck them. They could be the best thing to happen to you since...well, since last Christmas!

And now, I've got Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box" running through my head. Merry (belated) Christmas to you all!