Monday, February 17, 2014

Friendzoned Should Be A Relationship Status on Facebook.

Friend Zone: What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is "Friend-ed".

My apartment is not friend zone material. My apartment is clean. It smells like a girl. It is dimly lit and doesn't share walls. It's not a place for friends. At least not friends of the male persuasion. Boys with girlfriends don't get to come to my apartment unattended; my apartment is just one of those smell-good, warm, inviting homes that makes magic happen that may not happen otherwise. It isn't my fault. It is my apartment's fault. 

Reason #1 why my apartment is not friend zone material: I have a fireplace. Fireplaces are romantic and cozy, and they keep a little apartment super warm. Fireplaces are practically an invitation to take your pants off. Not super friendly.  

Reason #2 why my apartment is not friend zone material: I don't have a couch, just a love seat. The seating arrangement in my living room practically forces you to cuddle. My couch is tiny, but you can only kinda see the television from the chair. So, it's cuddle time. Also not super friendly. 

Reason #3 why my apartment is not friend zone material: It's clean, and it smells amazing. I'm a girl; we just smell good in general. I don't have a dog or multiple cats. I clean the litter box 3 times a day for the cat I do have. I don't cook odd smelling food. I burn a feminine, floral Scentsy smell in every room. I don't leave dishes in the sink, I clean my kitchen and I vacuum all the time. It's a girl's apartment - delicious and appealing. Not friend zone material. 

Reason #4 why my apartment is not friend zone material: It's quiet, it doesn't share walls, and it isn't well-lit. Something about a poorly lit apartment seems awful when you're on your tour thinking about where to move, and yet, living in it, it's awesome. No blinding lights, lots of ambiance...and I use candles. Lots of them. So girly and feminine, and not good for friends of the opposite sex. 

Reason #5 why my apartment is not friend zone material: I never wear pants. The be all, end all of breaking the friend zone barrier. I don't wear pants in my apartment. Really, ever. I don't like pants. I like to hang out in a hoodie and my panties, with a pair of fuzzy slippers - it's just how I am most comfy. Boys with girlfriends are therefore, essentially not allowed in my apartment at any time, with the exception of about a 4 minute window of when I get home from work. Not wearing pants is, frankly, the epitome of what makes my apartment poorly suited for anyone in the friend zone. 

We all have friends in the friend zone, many of whom most likely wish they were not in the friend zone. I mean, get real - do you really think all of your friends of the opposite sex really just want to maintain a platonic relationship with you? I doubt it. At least ten of them wish the two of you were having regular sex. Probably three more wish you were dating. Another one wants to be your serious relationship. And at least one is picturing a wedding, 2 kids, and a dog with you. But by all means, continue your delusion that you have all these friends who are just always call you back, who text you every morning, who buy you lunch or pick up your dry cleaning, and who constantly tell you how amazing you are. Because they're just suuuuuper nice. You've got great friends! 

The funny thing about the people you've friendzoned is, they end up being the best people in your life. They end up being the ones who care about you the most, the ones who treat you the best, the ones who respect you. The people you've put into the friend zone for whatever silly reason you've concocted in your head, tend to be the people who take care of you when you're sick, who think you're the prettiest without makeup on, who appreciate your bad habits and love you no matter what.

Because we are idiots (just in general, as a human race) we fool ourselves into thinking that these awesome people who we've stuck in the friend zone are the way they are because they are such a good friend. The reality is, though, that the person you put there - the person who makes you laugh the loudest and who cheers you up after every fight, every broken heart, every epic fail -  is probably your lobster, and you're just too stupid to see it. If you have someone who always texts you back, who brings you dinner when you have a crazy work deadline, who makes you laugh like no one else, or who gives the best, tightest hugs...maybe you should take a minute to reconsider their role in your life. Maybe they're not the good friend you thought they were; maybe they're the one you should be inviting over to your girly-smelling, warm, cozy apartment to lay by the fireplace in your skivvies.