Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'd Rather Just Play Monopoly, This Shit is Complicated

One of my girlfriends just told me a story about how when she first started dating her now-fiancee, he would take hour-long showers every morning, and how almost a year into their relationship, he finally admitted that he had been just turning on the shower so she didn't know he was actually going to the bathroom and then getting in the shower. As though she would believe he never, ever dropped a deuce.


There is so much awkwardness involved in dating, especially in that weird stage where you're definitely dating and probably exclusively, but neither of you has dropped the girlfriend/boyfriend bomb yet. Before one of the two of you grows a pair and drops the bomb, there is a ton of opportunity for awkwardness. Because before that term gets tossed into the mix, there is a whole lot of tiptoeing around it, hints being dropped, even some games being played. And games lead to nothing but awkwardness.

When we're "just dating" someone, shit is weird. We try to be awesome and clever, and we attempt to hide the uncool stuff we do. Guys try to be extra nice and maybe send flowers for no reason or take out the trash or cook us dinner. As girls, we don't poop or fart in a guy's house, nor do we admit that we can't cook or clean to save our lives, And none of us, ever, admit the actual number of other people we have had sex with. That's how it works. Games.

It's funny, by the way, that while you're dating kinda casually, games are less annoying, and yet once you're in a relationship - like you've dropped the boyfriend bomb - games are absolutely unacceptable. Once you're in a relationship with someone, games are grounds for a break up. We flip the switch from thinking it's cute and kinda a challenge, to thinking it is annoying and disrespectful. Like, well as long as this is just me giving up the milk for free without you buying the cow, it's totally fine for you to play these games...just know I will no longer think it's acceptable once you're my boyfriend.

Anyways, so you're dating and there's games. No one has said that they aren't dating other people, and no one has promised they're not sleeping with anyone else. You're still using condoms to military precision because well, you just don't know where someone else has been! Games. You're texting, but maybe not every night, but you're definitely not calling to check in with each other. Games. You keep your cell phones on lock down and don't answer texts in front of each other, because you're possibly the only one of the two of you still involved with other have no idea, because you haven't talked about it yet. Because you're busy mind-fucking each other instead of having conversations about where you each see this going. Because you know, you don't want to freak him out, and he doesn't want to scare you away. Games!

And as I said, games lead to awkwardness. Being mind fucked leads to feeling awkward. Suddenly you find yourself questioning yourself and your every move...will she freak out if I sleep with this other girl, will he be annoyed if I text him before I go to sleep? Things that ordinarily don't require a second thought, things that just come naturally, start to really seem like trickery and often feel like trying to solve a complicated math equation. If you were my boyfriend, would I text you before bed? Yes. Okay so then why is this so fucking weird? You're dating, you're allowed to say goodnight without it being a life decision.

We all just need to calm the fuck down and stop being so damn awkward.

Can't we just find a little happy place somewhere between being afraid to use each other's bathrooms without turning the water on, and leaving the door open when we go? It seems so simple, right? I can go to the bathroom at your place, but I am going to shut the door - and lock it - but I won't turn the water on and sing a song to keep you from hearing what I'm doing in here.

It's dating, it's not the first day of the rest of your life. Calm down. Check your phone if you need to. Be honest about who else you're dating, or be honest about not wanting to see other people anymore. use the bathroom. Eat in front of your date (yea, seriously, I have been the girl who is suddenly just, never hungry, with a new guy...which for the record, just leads to hanger, and no one wants that). Speak your truth, people, and go after what you want!