Thursday, February 20, 2014

Sorry, Team Crazy Meets on Mondays

Among the top 5 things a woman should never do if she doesn't want to be seen as an insecure, jealous, psycho, is reading her boyfriend/husband's email. Just don't do it. Nothing good will ever come of it. Especially if you're trying to me sneaky and shady about it - just what are you trying to prove exactly?

Reading your man's emails - and I do mean, hacking his password or waiting to open his computer til he is in the bathroom - is a perfect example of why I have mostly male friends and why I think overall, girls are crazy bitches. There is a difference between someone saying, oh hey babe, do you mind checking my email for me, and waiting until someone is not looking to spy on them like a maniac.

In reality, reading anyone else's email is stupid and shady, whether it be your man, your boss, your coworker...doesn't matter, crazy is crazy. But since women get a bad rap for being crazy, I find it highly irritating when one turns around and does something that is actually crazy. Way to make us all look bad, ladies! I thought we were all on the same team. Team Not Crazy. If you have ever read your guy's email, you can't be on our team anymore!

What good ever comes from hacking your man's Facebook or email or cell phone anyway? I've never done it, so I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Is it like a secret thrill to have that kinda control and power? Do women secretly enjoy looking for ways to be mad? I don't get it. But the way I see it, being a shady bitch and reading your man's messages will have one of two outcomes:

Outcome #1. You log in and read everything, to discover that there has been nothing to hide on his end. You now have the choice to either lie and act like you didn't do it, or admit that you were a jealous maniac and look like an ass hat because he wasn't doing a damn thing wrong. Either way, you probably just doomed your relationship, because you have created a lack of faith and trust, and it is only a matter of time before this awesome guy realizes that you, my friend, are crazy. And guys don't want to marry crazy girls. There are only certain places it is tolerable to be crazy. And most of them require you to be naked.

Outcome #2. You log in and read everything, to discover something that bothers you. Now what? Do you get mad at him? Do you pretend you don't know anything and just drive yourself batty waiting to catch him in a lie? Or do you admit that you have zero respect for privacy and start a fight? At this point, by bringing it up as a fight, you've now made yourself into the ass hole because you are starting a fight over what you feel he did wrong...that you figured out by doing something wrong! If you are wanting to discuss how you have a lack of trust, you are now equally as guilty of being an untrustworthy partner, because you violated his trust to read his emails to seek out what you were looking for. You have just lost your argument. Good job.

Here's the thing (and I am stealing this from someone else). The written word is a sterile thing. It's almost like you have to be in that friendship to understand the words being written when two friends chat. True words. I know that I am someone who writes much more eloquently than I speak. I can explain my feelings in writing much better than I can explain them out loud. So when I write an email, or send a text, or Facebook chat with someone, my words are much more raw, much more expressive. That's how I am. So if you don't know me, and you read something I wrote, and maybe it was in a conversation with your boyfriend - who also is a friend of mine - you probably read it out of context. Which is why people should never read other people's messages!

The next time you get an itch to sneak into your boyfriend's bedroom while he's in the shower and open his Facebook page to start checking in on his life, stop and think. Why are you doing that? Do you think he's cheating on you? Are you trying to see if he's talking to an exgirlfriend? Are you looking for evidence of some other thing he did wrong? Or are you just a jealous idiot? Are you prepared to find nothing of consequence, or are you the type to make a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this guy an ass hole, or are you just insecure? Why is reading his emails the next step of your I'm Not Crazy plan?

If your man is giving you reasons to feel that you cannot trust him, you don't need evidence, just fucking get rid of him! Your gut is right. If you instinctively feel you are with a man you can't trust, it's because you shouldn't trust him. Break up with him. And do it before you become the bad guy, before you check his email and dissolve your whole I Can't Trust You standpoint. Because once you've crossed that threshold, now he can't trust you either, and you're on equally idiotic ground. Your intuition is right. Maybe it's telling you that you are with the wrong person. Maybe it's telling you you're not ready. Perhaps it should be telling you to stop acting like a damn detective and just end a crappy relationship. Either way, don't put yourself in crazy shoes to prove a point; act on your instinct. Because no matter what you find or don't find by spying, and no matter what a guy uses as an excuse or validation, if something feels wrong to you, it's because it is wrong.

I swear, every time I think to myself, hey I should really try to make some more female friends, a chick I know flies off the crazy train, and I remember why I only have 5 girlfriends. Guys are right, bitches be crazy!