Day Five and Day Six:
What am I afraid of, and What do I need to surrender to the universe?
First, I feel like these two can combine into one post, which works out well since I failed to post a day five post yesterday.
Turns out I spent the entire day on the couch, snuggling, napping, and watching about ten straight hours of Weeds, which is precisely what I needed. There was no room for complete sentences, let alone a written blog.
I have written about fears before - my fears of silly things, and my fears of real things. The thing about things that scare us, though, are that they do change. So I don't feel like I am necessarily repeating myself in speaking to fears.
One. I am afraid of outhouses. That will never change.
Also. I am afraid of spiders, and mosquito eaters, and stink bugs. And also monkeys.
And because I am a Leo, I am afraid of loving someone more than they love me. It's not my fault, the zodiac is to blame for this one. See? It's a meme and everything!
Fears like this one are irrational, and I think they do generally fade with time. I only recognize it as a present fear when something is new and in that undefined, unsure stage. I don't tend to carry this fear over into a relationship - or at least I don't notice that I do. Once things work themselves out beyond that initial new, just started dating thing, this is a fear that certainly subsides. But before I know where I stand, it's definitely something I notice.
I think that this goes hand in hand with what I need to just surrender to the universe because being fearful of the way people think and/or feel about you, usually just ends up causing problems. I've been mindful and aware of this fear, and in recent experience have also been up front about it - I'm afraid to love harder than you. Part of facing a fear is to acknowledge it - even if vocalizing it to someone can be a challenge.
The way people feel about each other, however, is not something to be forced. I've only recently learned that the best way to know if something will work out with someone - whether or not they really care about you, how they feel, how ready they are for you - is to just spend time with them. Take the pressure of dating out of the equation, stop reading into bull shit, go with the flow, and just see what happens. I tried this recently, and what I learned was, this guy was simply not ready to date. He was flaky, and he never called when he said he was going to, and then would call days later wanting to take me to dinner like, right then.
No thanks, I'm not into that.
Fast forward to a time where someone shows a genuine interest in spending time with me - tells me good morning every day, cooks me dinner, puts away my dishes while I'm at work - and suddenly that worry is not quite as present. I don't find myself anxious about whether someone is going to call me or if I'm bugging this person by sending a meme that I think is funny. I don't find myself worried about who likes who more, or who cares more, or who is more invested - because I quite simply feel like I do matter.
I am likely always going to be a girl who feels anxious and a little scared when something is new - new makes me nervous (and that spans all realms of life, by the way, not just romance). But I am also learning to be someone who can let go of the insane pressure that the world puts on two people in a new relationship - give that to the universe and just enjoy seeing where things go.
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