A Lid For Every Perverted Pot

So, because I was feeling too confident and secure in my life, I'm now online dating.

And by online dating, I do in fact mean I am online, being solicited for sex and blow jobs, turning down dates with creeps who I then have to block from contacting me.

It's so romantic!

After complaining one too many times about not ever meeting anyone I am "allowed" to date (because in the course of my day, I spend time with my employees, my residents, and my vendors, all of whom are on the naughty list), I was encouraged to give the online thing a try (because God forbid any of my friends know any handsome, independent, normal guys to set a girl up with).

Okay fine. I mean I do not want to at all, but I'll give it a go. So I spent yesterday afternoon creating an account and a profile, and resolved to give it a real opportunity to surprise me.

No surprise at all.

It is, of course, going basically like the shit show you'd expect from thousands of single, horny dudes without a filter to control them.

In my first 12 hours, I received no fewer than 100 emails. Approximately 80% of them contained at least one of the following:
"Hi." And then nothing else. I equate this to approaching someone, saying hi, and then just awkwardly staring at them, blinking.
"You're pretty/hot/gorgeous/bangin'/sexy" (okay I admit I liked the one who called me bangin').
"Wanna get a drink this week?" (can I get your name please, like, you could really be an axe murderer)
"Do you like to give head?" (not to you, bro!)
"Wanna chat?" (isn't that why I'm on this bull shit website?)

I also got two messages from chicks, who apparently are dumb as rocks, since I very clearly stated woman...looking for a man. Nice rack though, I'll give you that. And honestly, after the guy who said he wanted to bang my head against the headboard while he spanked me, I might actually go for it...and these girls probably knew I was feeling that way. So actually, a genius move!

Online dating truly blows me away. Like, would you ever approach a woman in a bar and whip your dick out?

No?

Then don't email a dick pic!

Would you walk up to a woman at the gym and ask for a blow job?

No?

Then don't lead your message with, "girl, you look like you like to suck dick."

HAS ANY OF THIS EVER WORKED FOR YOU!???

A guy messages me last night, and says hi...he's cute, so I say hi back.
And that's where I went wrong, obviously.
He then says, "I'm a dominant guy and I like to take charge."
Umm okay...my dumb ass asks what he means by that.
"It means I'd like to spank you hard and bang your head against my headboard while you suck my dick."
Oh. Well of course that was what you meant.

Block.

But seriously...what?!

Has this ever worked for you in real life? NO. That's why you're on this website, trolling women, getting blocked left and right. And what's sad is I bet you sit at the bar with your buddies, bitching and whining about how these dumb bitches online just won't give you a chance. I mean, we might...if you'd put it back in your pants and chill for a fucking second. I really thought this guy was attractive...that is, until he started typing words! Like, you're cute, but please don't speak.

I have now figured out (in only a few hours) how online dating works for nice-ish guys:

Women are bombarded with perverted, dirty, creepy fuckers asking us how sloppy we like our blow jobs, how big our tits are, and whether we're down with three-ways...so then when we get a message from an even halfway normal guy who we may not be attracted to, or who may misspell all his words, or who may be super boring, we're like YES I HAVE FOUND THE ONE!! It's not even about love or connection; it's just about pure relief, and the thought that we may be able to disable our profile for the love of God before someone else emails us.

Smell the desperation working for the boring guys who are only slightly intelligent but at least smart enough to not start a conversation with "here's my dick."

Like, I'm just happy you didn't ask me if I like it in the ass, so yes, I'll marry you. What was your name again though?

And that is really how I think it works. I spent a painful hour and a half emailing a guy who I was bored by, and also judging for misusing your/you're, thinking - oh my God just let this guy be nice and I'll seriously be his girlfriend if only to log out of this fucking shit! Nice, boring, kinda dumb...for the win.

I was forwarding screen shots of these insane messages to my mom and cousin last night, telling them how amused I was...because really, how can you not just laugh when a stranger asks you how often you masturbate...and my mom was like, this would just piss me off so bad. But like, why? It's hilariously pathetic, and the block feature is awesome. I have literally been on this site for 18 hours and have blocked somewhere in the 40-50 range of seriously demented douche bags who apparently think online is the place to get a rim job from a stranger.

I mean, that does happen online, but I don't think this is the site for you, man...try Tumblr.

While I was chatting with someone else last night, I received three emails between 12:00 and 12:15am, all three asking for sex, pretty explicitly. I told the guy I was talking to that midnight felt very much like last call, where guys are stumbling around drunk, just grabbing onto any chick who walks by, willing to literally fuck anything and anyone. I said I needed to log out before I started being virtually groped, and he replied with a pretty smart remark about how much it must suck to be a chick.

For fucking real, bro.

I bet no one has asked him how big his dick is today.

#500wordsaday: They Say Time Heals All Wounds

#500WordsADay...that should not be so hard, right??

I have been failing miserably at blogging this year. I think in part, it's because I have had a lot of family shit hit the fan, and that's what I want to write about...but I don't want to be disrespectful to my dad, or fuel the fires, so I haven't posted any of it. Instead, I journal it, and then discuss at length with my therapist, who continues to be mind blown by it all.

That said, I miss the public forum of this blog, so when this 10 day challenge was presented to me, I jumped on it. Because really, if I can't write 500 words in a day, I am pretty much failing at my life.

So here are the prompts. Take them or leave them. I highly recommend leaving them and writing whatever is on your heart and mind but consider these the little minnows that might lead you to the big kahuna.

1) A time you lied 
2) A time you were hurt
3) The last time you were happy for a week straight
4) Family
5) How you wish you started your day (and then why you aren’t doing that already)
6) Your most authentic moment
7) When you really loved yourself
8) When you were scared
9) Why you long for love
10) Something about you that you’re hoping people don’t notice   / Something about you that you’re hoping people do notice

So here goes...

Day 1: A Time You Were Hurt

Several months ago, I met someone who was totally my type. Young, fun, and with that dirty rugged look I find so attractive. We hit it off right away - I remember feeling like, even in a room of a hundred people, even in a booth cramped with 7 of us, he was looking at me like the rest of the room didn't exist. I had his undivided attention from the moment I shook his hand, and he had mine from the moment he smiled that half-cocked grin.

There were beers, shots, and shuffleboard that night, and the obvious connection continued well into the evening - and late into the night, until at some point hours after falling asleep, I opened my eyes long enough to say good morning as he tip-toed out of my apartment. 

What surely should have been a one-time thing (we hadn't even exchanged phone numbers) did not stay that way, as the mutual friends between us made sure contact information was received, and that we were both aware that we each wanted to see each other again. I can thank said mutual friends at least, for getting my number into his hands; though it would seem that said mutual friends' loyalty may have stopped there. 

As quickly as things began, they came to an abrupt halt when this fella with whom I had shared several meals, a few movies, and some late nights, all but disappeared. Almost mid-conversation, the rug was yanked from under me, and he stopped texting me. Being the independent and somewhat stubborn girl that I am, I said fuck it then, and convinced myself he was a dick - even though it really didn't make sense, and I was more confused than confident in that conclusion. I have been buffaloed in the past, but this one just really didn't make sense; but again I am also not one to waste time on someone who isn't invested in me, so, that seemed to be the end of it. 

Until it wasn't the end of it.

Fast forward to about a month ago, when I get a call from the above-mentioned handsome fella, asking if we can have a drink. Whether it was curiosity or insanity, I'm not sure, but I agreed to hang out - I certainly wanted to ask if he'd had some sort of mental breakdown of if he'd been kidnapped, abducted by aliens, or if perhaps he'd had all of his fingers cut off. So there we are, sitting at a bar stool, and he's telling me these awful things that my friends had told him about dating me - that I was crazy, that I was in a hurry to get married, that I wanted to find someone to take care of me - you name it, they said it. And in the midst of this conversation was this very transparent moment of an apology for the fact that he let someone else sway the way he clearly thought of me. 

I'm not really sure which part was more hurtful at the time; the fact that he'd let his feelings be pushed aside by the opinions of someone else, or the fact that someone else would say such shitty things about me - especially someone who claims to be one of my good friends. At the time, I wasn't sure. However now, I'm certain - there is nothing quite as shitty hurtful, as having someone you trust, someone you have always been there for, someone you thought you mattered to, talk shit about you to someone who expresses legit interest in you.

Especially when it is categorically as untrue as it gets! 

Anyone who knows me well, knows that a rushed, intense, crazy romantic relationship is the furthest thing from what I want. A rush to get married? Yea right! I didn't have a boyfriend refer to me as a Unicorn for nothing - he (and his buddies) called me that because I am over 30, single with no kids, have no drama, and just want to chill, go slow, and take care of myself, dammit.

It's not easy to reflect on who your friends are and have to come to a conclusion that they're not always who you believe them to be. And this has proven to be one of those circumstances. This guy has continued to call and text since the night at the bar, and not in the hookup fashion - quite the opposite actually, in a very gentlemanly manner. Where things are going, I have no idea. Nor am I worried about it, because despite what my frenemies said, I am NOT a crazy chick! I am enjoying things moving slowly, asking tons of questions and getting them answered, and continuing to take care of myself in the meantime. 

As much as it sucks to be rejected by a guy with no explanation, it really hurts to be stabbed in the back by your friends. It hurts to discover your friends are not looking out for you, and worse, that they're the ones talking about you behind your back. It hurts to realize that not all of your friends are the trustworthy confidants you believed they were. But, as much as it does hurt, it hurts even more to let it happen continuously. So best believe these two have been booted from my friends list. The last thing I need is to have people who don't love me, in my circle. #hardpass #girlbye