Wednesday, December 4, 2013

When I grow up, I wanna be famous...

Question: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have been struggling with this for the last week or so, and I'm not really sure what brought it on or why it is on my mind, but I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

That's not exactly true. I know just what I want to be.

What I don't know is, what do I want to do as a career that will make me happier than the position I am in now, that will allow me to live the lifestyle I want to live, that will pay my bills, and that will not make me feel like I have hit a wall with nowhere to go. My job feels like a job, it does not feel like a career. I don't hate it, but I certainly have no passion for it. I enjoy it sometimes, and other times it makes me want to just call in sick. I don't want to be a Regional Manager, so I am at a point now where I wonder, what am I going to do from here? And at 30, that is a bit frightening, because I feel like I "should" have my shit a bit more together than that at my age. But I don't. And most of the time, I really am okay with my shit being not together. But other times, I get up in my head about the "shoulds" and get frustrated.

When I grow up, I want to be a writer. And I believe that I already am that. I write every day. I write this blog that anyone on the internet is welcome to read. I write in a journal at home, in which I hash out my deepest emotions as I attempt to work through them. And I am, officially, drafting what I hope will turn into a book that people actually pay to have hard copy of. I want to be a better writer. I want to be a writer who gets paid to write. But those goals aside, I am a writer. Now, how do I get people to give me money to write this blog every day? Or how do I convince someone that if only they will pay for my vacations, I will produce amazing travel articles? Even better.

When I grow up, I want to be the best, healthiest, happiest version of myself. I want to fall in love and be able to voice it, not be afraid of it. I want to be a challenge to someone, to be part of a happy picture and a happy life. I am a work in progress. Sometimes I need therapy, sometimes I need my friends, and sometimes I need nothing but a hug from my mommy. But sometimes I am a rock for someone else, and sometimes I push the limits of what I ever thought possible for myself and I find a new success.

I guess it doesn't really matter if I know the right job or the right career, as long as I know how to change what does not work for me or what is not making me happy. As I grow up, I learn more and more how to adapt, how to make changes, and how to embrace things that do make me happy, and those things that don't? I don't need them. And I can change them. I am never stuck, I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want, and when I grow up, I'll just be happy to be me.