Saturday, November 16, 2013

I'm not afraid of you, just so you know

Today's topic: What is your biggest fear as a single person?

My biggest fear as a single person? I'm confused. My biggest fear has always been the same thing, whether I've been single or in a relationship. I am scared of monkeys. You all already know that...

Ok fine. Something more real than monkeys. Even though they are technically what I am most afraid of. Just to make that crystal clear. Monkeys. are. my. biggest. fear.

As a single woman, my biggest fear is the feeling of not being enough for someone. I know where this comes from and I work on it contantly, both internally and externally. I vocalize this fear to the people who need to know of its presence, and I take responsibility for any insecurities left in its wake.

But regardless of knowing the root of this evil and having the skills required to keep it in check, it is a present fear and does occassional rear its head, leaving me an insecure mess in a puddle on the floor.

Does my logical brain know that this fear is ridiculous? Yes, of course. I know that I am exactly perfect for the right person. I know that at some point, some poor sap is going to meet me, fall head over heels for my big bright eyes, my crazy curls, my dynamic personality, and my  infectious smile. I know that this guy is going to be met head on with a smart, strong, independant woman who will not take the back seat, who rarely backs down from a fight, who is headstrong and hard-assed. The poor guy won't even see it coming til it is too late. He'll already be too gushy over me to run. I know that I am good enough, I know that I am the strongest, healthiest version of myself than I have been in a long time, and I know that there is a boy out there who will appreciate and love that.

Does any of that stop the insecurities that occassionally pop up to burst my confidence bubble? No, not at all. Because for 3 years, I had it beat into my head that I was not pretty, that I was not smart, that I was not important, and that I was not worthy of anyone's time, energy, or heart. I was bullied and bulldozed into forgetting who I was and forgetting to care about myself. And those things don't go away overnight. They don't disappear in 10 hours of therapy. They don't vanish when you date someone else; they are still there, and maybe they always will be.

The important thing is, I am no longer afraid of my insecurities, nor do I let my fears get in the way of what I want to do. I speak more openly of my feelings than I ever have, and so far, it has only given me more strength, power, and confidence.

Being vulnerable is hard. It challenges me. It scares me. I am afraid of rejection, afraid of someone else bullying the emotion right out of me. But I have embraced that fear is just part of the journey, and that without it, life would be too easy and I'd take it for granted. Am I afraid of being in love with someone? Hell yes. But I won't let that stop me. I will continue to be the boy-crazy, optimistic, passionate girl I always have been. I will face disappointments and heartache, but in the end I will be happy, and I will have found the person worth all the rest of it. And most important, I'll be healthy, happy, and ready for it.

And by the way, I am still far more afraid of monkeys than any of this.