Let it Go, Let it Go, Turn Away and Slam the Door

I was asked this week to draw my family tree for a homework assignment. A daunting task when you need to fit so many people onto one sheet of paper. But I did it, and it ended up being a great assignment.

Prompt: Letting Go.

The assignment was designed to make me address the relationships and patterns on both sides of my family. Who am I especially close to? Who are the "favorites," and who do I have more limited contact with? Is there anyone in my family who is actually hated or who feels actual hate towards me? Where are patterns of disease, mental illness, cancer? Where are drugs and/or alcohol prevalent? Is there anyone in my family who is especially controlling or manipulative, or is anyone abusive? Which of my parents' siblings get along best with each other? Why?

I learned a lot from doing this assignment, and it has opened a lot of doors for further discussion and understanding about why my family functions the way it does (both sides) and why I function the way I do within each side of my family.

For example, in my mom's family, I have a very take charge manner; I like to make plans, I like to be the one to plan holidays or help organize things. I tend to reach out and invite my cousins to do things. I am also very vocal and have no problem expressing my feelings to my family on my mom's side. If someone does something that bothers or upsets me, I can express that without fear of consequence - I know that I am respected, loved, and cared about, and that I am free to disagree with the pack.

On the other side of the fence, in my dad's family, I am more quiet and don't generally stand up to take control over something. I know that the way I would do things is different, and I've learned - through my whole life - that going against the tradition is bad. So I don't do it. In my adult life I have also learned that expressing my opinion, or admitting when I am upset, bothered, or hurt, is generally not welcomed. So I have learned to just be more quiet, and to be more selective with whom I share my real feelings.

It is interesting to see it all on paper, and has made me think a lot more about my need to let go of the rotten apples in my family tree. My blood family is huge. But the circle of people who accepts me for who I am, who lets me be real and speak my truth, who supports and lifts me up, is nowhere near as huge. And that's fine. In grieving the loss of the family that I once had, I have been able to appreciate so much more the ones who have encouraged me and validated me all along.

 The good news is, I have finally learned to let go of the people who have let go of me. Why do I need to bother with feeling sad about my family who doesn't feel sad that I'm not there? I certainly don't. So I don't anymore. I've worked really hard to let it go. To focus on the people who are still here, the ones who take care of me and respect our differences.

And I tell ya what, once you learn to just let it go...life is much more pleasant. 

Exhale the Bad Shit, Let it Go, and Other Cliche Phrases

Day Four: What do I need to let go of?

Probably a lot of things.

Definitely some things.

For sure some things I am not going to write about.

The number one topic that comes to mind is that I need to let go of the shitty people in my family. They are shitty. They are not going to get better. They do, however, continue to get worse. And sometimes I really have a hard time with that. Other times, I am reminded that other people in my family are great, and that it's fine. But I have already written that "my family sucks" blog - multiple times, in fact (they really, really do), so I have been racking my brain for a new topic.

And then I get a message from a friend this morning and it hits me.
She works for the company I used to work for. Let's just call them Big G, shall we? I'd hate to get anybody's panties twisted when they read this.
Anyway, so she was terminated today.
For no reason.
After many, many years of exceptional service.

Is this ringing a bell for anyone because it happened to me 3 months ago??

Ironically, said friend works for *gasp* the SAME regional manager I worked for!

Here's the thing. I let go of the fact that I was fired by my snake-ass twat of a regional right away, because a much better, much more beneficial, much more respectable position was offered to me within 5 days. I am not upset that I was fired. I am upset that I learned the hard way that if someone hates you enough, they really will use anything possible to get rid of you, buuuuut in the end, I came out ahead.

However, what I have not let go of yet, is this overwhelming sympathy for the people I know who still work for this company, and who work for this company in Portland, specifically. A company where when you reach out to your director or to HR for help dealing with your supervisor being a total and complete bitch, you are then basically raked over the coals. And where they will also go right to your supervisor and TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID! A company where you don't matter. Where your opinion doesn't matter. Where your human decency, morals, and overall convictions do you more harm than good. Big G is a company that probably at some point did some good. But they are also a company that has turned some of the best career role models I've had, into shady, dishonest ass holes, with whom I would no longer ever share kind words.

I was fired less than a month after I called my regional's supervisor, begging for advice on how to deal with her. Begging for help on how to communicate with her more effectively. I was fired less than two weeks after having a meeting with my regional and her supervisor (because confidentiality means nothing), in which I was honest about what I needed to feel more support. I was fired while my career mentor (who yes I do now see as completely shady as fuck) was conveniently on vacation and unable to look me in the face after approving to let this happen. And more importantly, I was fired less than ten days after I spent a day job shadowing another regional based on a conversation in which my next promotion was discussed.

How interesting.

Someone who works in the corporate office for Big G said something that really stuck with me, when I was talking to her about what actually happened (because of course, my shady-ass twat of a regional did nothing but talk shit about how horrible I was). She said, "If I was an on site manager right now, and you got fired for 'not living Big G's values,' I would be terrified every day of losing my job - because you of all people, are the one showing up every day and investing in the values. You're a favorite and everyone knows it. If I were on her team as a manager, I'd be watching her every move."

Exactly.

I know I was a "favorite." I know that companies play favorites, and I know I was in that position. I was speaking at training classes, leading meetings, job shadowing, training, mentoring, hosting videos, joining committees. Big G was rolling out their new "values" platform, and I was not only dedicated to it, but I was dedicated to everyone else dedicating themselves to it.

But my regional was a cunt, and we hated each other. And I spoke up about it.
And she makes more money than me, and her position is more important, so I got fired.

Which is, again, fine by me.

But.

I have not let go of this "mama bear" feeling of just wanting to scream GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW to everyone in the Portland market. I want to find jobs for all of them (and I have found jobs for several of them). I need to let go of that and simply be an advocate for my new company. The people who still work for Big G know it's bad - they bitch about it all the time, for one. And for two, there has been regional manager mass exodus, and that shit does not go down for no reason. The truth is, I can't continue to stress about my friends who still work for the company. It's their choice to stay where they are for now, and they'll eventually realize how bad things have gotten and move on. It's hard to be in a position now where I can see all of the bad, and where I can see how unhappy my friends are at work. I have an amazing regional now - I work somewhere very challenging, and where a lot of people are really not pleasant, and yet he has my back 110% every single time. My director of operations calls or emails me weekly to make sure I am still doing well and having a good time, reminding me how fortunate she feels to have gotten me on her team.

I need to let go of a need to protect my old coworkers from the shit show they're in. I can't change it for them. All I can do is offer an ear when they're bitching, and offer the job positions list when they're ready to exhale the Big G bull shit.

Values the Big G Portland office claims to live by: Integrity. Respect. Professionalism. Accountability. Service. Teamwork.

Values the Big G Portland office does not live up to by any stretch: Integrity. Respect. Professionalism. Accountability. Service. Teamwork.

I've let go of all aspects of being terminated. I'm happy where I'm at, and sometimes forced change ends up being the best thing for you. I ended up with an additional $10,000 a year to start, a better apartment, better work/life balance, better regional support, and just seriously a better existence.

And it's probably about time I let go of feeling bad for the people still working there.
Because let's be honest, if they're good at their jobs, they'll probably get fired soon anyway!

I'll just be sitting here, playing nice, waiting for you to be sorry

Sometimes, we do stupid shit. We're human, it happens. Maybe we say something rude or act on an emotion that we should have kept in check. Whatever it is, it is a quality we all share, doing dumb shit. From there, though, we can be cast into two separate groups. Those of us who apologize when we fuck up, and those of us who shut down and hope it goes away if we just be extra nice.

I am someone who apologizes when I fuck up. I am also someone who needs to be apologized to before I can get over the dumb shit someone else did. If I do something that hurts someone's feelings or causes someone else grief, I generally apologize. It wasn't my intention to be hurtful, and I owe you an apology. In the same manner, I expect an apology if someone hurts my feelings. Intentional or not, you did in fact do something that upset me, and for that I am owed an apology. I don't hold a grudge if you offer me an apology, but I am guilty of not letting things go without one.

Recently, someone in my life was very disrespectful to me, and I made that person aware that they had upset me. This person did not apologize but has, instead, just been super sugary sweet and nice to me in the last few times we've seen each other. This does not work for me. I don't forgive you, and I am still angry with you, and based only on the fact that you have not yet apologized. I think the act of saying you're sorry is an important step, and I rarely let things go without it. I may continue to be nice to you, but trust me, I have not let it go. It's on my radar that you never apologized for your shitty behavior towards me.

I think a true, genuine apology is the way that you show someone that you understand what you did wrong, how you hurt someone, or how you damaged your relationship. I know that when I go to someone with an apology, it is because I recognize that I did something damaging and hurtful, and I understand that I need to awknowledge it to the person I was mean to. They deserve it. And what if, like me, they need it? What if they don't let things go until someone says their sorry? I don't want my friends holding grudges and remaining hurt or mad, or not being able to let go of a bad experience I caused. I want them to be able to accept my sincere apologies and move on.

Have you done something wrong to someone lately? When's the last time you said you were sorry?

"You have to be willing to get happy about nothing"

What am I thankful for this year? I think the shorter answer would be, what am I not thankful for...but that would be a very pessimistic piece of writing, so here goes...

I am thankful, just in general, for 2013. This year began on a high, ringing it in with vodka, champagne, and dirty board games with Kitty and Stu and their friends. And a then-boyfriend, but whatever. Not long into the year, a routine trip to the doctor left me having surgery, which clearly was not ideal, but did allow me to take 2 full weeks off of work and to spend some relaxing time at home doing nothing. From there I moved out of my condo in Clackamas and into a one bedroom on site at my new property...oh, 2013 started with a promotion as well! I lived there for a couple months, only to have our property put on the market; I spent most of this time working 70+ hours a week and thanking the universe that I had an amazing staff to keep me company. I moved back in with my parents for a short bit, then my cousin's dad was awesome enough to let me crash in his guest room for a couple months while I waited for job placement and found a new apartment. My company placed me in Aloha, and while I am not happy at the property, I am thankful to have been offered a position. I moved into my apartment just this month. So while 2013 has had several ups and downs, I have had nothing but love and support come my way from my friends and family, so what more could I possibly ask for?

I am thankful, as always, for my mama and my daddy. For their help, their love, their support. I know that every single time my brother or I moves out, they say we can never come back. But every single time my brother or I needs some support, they are there to let us back in. They let me bring my cat to terrorize their dog. They let us bring our boxes, they park outside while we take over their garage. I truly have amazing parents. I am lucky enough to have a mom who I enjoy grocery shopping with or talking to on the phone while I sit in traffic. I have a daddy who will never stop telling me to "drive careful" when I leave, even though my response is always, "nope." I am grateful that my dad will always worry about me, no matter how grown up or independent I become; he will always ask me when I last checked the oil in my car or if I am locking the front door at night. And I am grateful that my mom picks up my lunch tab sometimes when she knows I am on a tight budget but want to go out to a nice meal with her. Not all of my friends have had that love and support from their parents; when we were growing up, my house was the house my friends came to when they were fighting with their parents or when they ran away from home. I appreciated it in high school, but not the way that I appreciate it now. I know I am so lucky to have the mom and dad that I have.

I am thankful, of course and always will be, for another year cancer-free for my daddy. It has been several years now...since what, 2006/2007...and I still can't talk about it without getting a lump in the back of my throat. My mom said the other day that the reason we go through bad shit is so that when bad shit happens to other people, we can support them. And at first I just rolled my eyes. But my dad's older brother has just started chemo for cancer this last week, and after a conversation with his daughter, I think maybe my mom was right. I can't relate to how my uncle feels, nor can I relate to how his son feels, or his mom or his siblings. But I definitely understand exactly how my cousin Keri feels. I know just how hard it is to be the daughter of a daddy battling cancer. And while I wish my dad would have never had to fight the battle he did, I can definitely appreciate being able to have those conversations with Keri that maybe no one else would be able to, because I know how she feels, because I have been in her shoes. So hopefully she feels a little better knowing that her little cousin understands and empathizes with just what is going through her mind.

Christmas 2008

I am thankful for my extended family. This goes without saying; I love being a part of this big, crazy, loud, opinionated family. My cousins are my best friends and I wouldn't have that any other way. I love all of the babies and toddlers, love watching them grow, love playing with them and being around them. I appreciate my relationships with everyone that is still a member of my family, and I appreciate the lessons I have learned from those who are not part of my family anymore. I am grateful for the courage that some of us have shown in order to let go of our tumultuous pasts and for the trust we are rebuilding. I cherish the closeness, the bond, and the love that my family has for each other, and in the past 6 months I have truly been able to let go of so much anger and just appreciate what I do have in the family who is still around, and to just let go of those who have let go of me.

I am thankful for everyone who helped me while I was temporarily homeless. Especially Kitty and Thor's dad, Ole, because he let me live in his house while he was on a work trip for almost 2 months. I am grateful for Rachel, who let me sleep in her son's room and use her shower every day for 3 weeks, and cooked me dinner in exchange for making her a smoothie every morning. I am even more thankful that I now have a beautiful, warm, cozy apartment to call home. I love my apartment. I love that I hired movers and they loaded and unloaded my whole life in like an hour. I love that Rachel spent an entire day/evening helping me unpack while getting drunk on champagne and wine. I am grateful that I finally have a nice, clean space close to my friends, so they can come over for dinner, or for drinks, or for movies. I am so happy to be able to drop in at Rachel's while I am running errands because we live so close and that visiting Kattie is no longer a chore. I finally can afford to turn on the heat, pay for cable, rent a carport parking space, and grocery shop at Trader Joe's & Chuck's Produce instead of Winco. I appreciate those blessings so much, as I know that not everyone has the same luxuries.

I am thankful for the new friendships, relationships, and experiences I have had this year. The girls I have become friends with this year - Kattie, Rachel, Ashley, Bridgett - I feel like I have had forever. When I think about how close I am to them, how well they really do know me, and everything that I have shared with them, I can't believe I have only known each of them for a year. Each of them is so unique and there is something just very genuine about them that is so hard to find in female friends. Kattie has taught me so much about health and nutrition, but also how to maintain clarity and the desire to grow as a person. Kattie is one of those rare gems who is just so mellow, which I don't understand being the high strung maniac that I am. Being her friend slows me down, lets me think and experience life as it is actually unfolding, and I love her for that. And being friends with me likely gives her a headache...my brother said the other day that I move faster than anyone he has ever met. So true. Impossibly fast. And then there is Rachel, who lives in her Type A brain much like I do. I am fairly certain that "Call Rachel" is on my daily to-do list and that "Call Veronica" is on hers...but unlike normal people, we would actually write it down. Rachel and I thrive on lists and organization and being crazy, and we play off of each other in a way that somehow allows us both to CTFD (calm the fuck down). Bridgett and I could probably not be any different - except for that we both just like to go to lunch and talk about sex. So there's that. Bridgett and I start a lot of conversations with "well I know you're a lot more spiritual than me, but...." We're different. But the fact that we can have a conversation knowing that we don't believe the same things makes me truly appreciate these conversations, because it shows a level of respect that so many people don't have. I feel like with so many false or one-sided friendships I have experienced with girls, I finally have the sense of real girlfriends. And I appreciate each of them so much.

 I am thankful for the ability to truly let go and move on, to get mentally healthy, and to maintain my sense of independence this year. This one pretty much speaks for itself, but after a long couple of years spent recovering from a horrible relationship, and then failing at the first one out of the gate afterwards because I wasn't ready for it yet, being able to function with men this year is something I am really grateful for. I have learned to be up front, open, and vulnerable with the people I spend my time with. If someone doesn't keep my attention right off the bat, or if I can tell it isn't right, I don't waste time trying to push it. I have learned to go with the flow, to take my time, and to trust my heart. While I am single now, and have been for most of the year, I have finally learned to be happy and self sufficient, and I have confidence that I will be so much better and so much healthier in my next relationship. 

I am thankful, as I will be every year, for the love of Miss Juno. Everyone likes to tease me about Juno and how spoiled of a cat she is, but everyone also knows where she came from and knows that I believe with all of my being that she is what saved me from an abusive boyfriend who was literally isolating me from the world one day at a time. From the day she arrived on my front porch, Juno was all mine and no one else's, despite the 3 other people living under that roof. And after only 27 days, Juno and I moved out, never to second guess the decision. So while I understand that she is just a cat, and while I can laugh at myself for how ridiculous I am about her, I truly am grateful for her. And you can all make fun of me all you want for it, it doesn't bother me at all.

I am thankful for travel and for the trips I have taken - and will take - this year. I got to go to Arizona and Las Vegas this year to celebrate turning 30. While on that trip, I found out that Kitty was having a baby; it was an awesome start to our girls' weekend and I was so excited to hear such great news. I stayed with Jenny in Arizona and spent those few days relaxing, reading, sleeping late, and hanging out at her bar while she was working. I am grateful that Jenny and I have been able to roll back into our friendship after my past relationship tore it apart out of jealousy and, well, it doesn't matter why. What matters is that I abandoned my best friend and am extremely humbled that she was able to forgive me and move on from those issues knowing that what happened in 2010 was out of my control. Jenny has always been my best girlfriend, she has been the one I trusted when I didn't trust anyone else, and she shares my sense of adventure and is seriously the best person ever to travel with.

There are so many reasons for me to be thankful this year, I think I could spend another ten hours on this blog post. I am appreciative of all of the friends and family I have grown closer to this year. To everyone who has supported me and loved me through a hard couple of years and has stuck by my side as things continue to improve in my life. I feel like I am finally surrounded by people who I can trust and rely on, and people who give me the same level of love and support that I give to them. I am truly just so grateful for the life I have and the world I am a part of. Happy, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. 

Don't Let the Monkeys Run Your Life

I'm scared.

Of a lot of things.

When people ask me what I'm most afraid of, I always answer the same: monkeys and outhouses.

And on a surface level, that's very true. I am actually very afraid of monkeys, and I am very, very afraid of outhouses. I would argue that I have good reason for both of these insane fears. For one, I was attacked by a monkey at a California zoo as a baby. A small monkey bolted over to my stroller, where it proceeded to head butt me and steal my bottle right from my hands.

Yes, that really did happen.

Then when I was 19, I had an incident in an outhouse that involved a pitch dark night and a stranger's poop. At the end of the story, I rode home in my friend's truck, naked and wrapped in a blanket, after shedding all of my clothes on the side of the highway. Needless to say, I now only use outhouses in the broad daylight, I don't shut the door and therefore make someone stand guard outside, and if there is any (and I do mean any) other place to pee, I use it.

Yes, that also really did happen.

People who don't know me well, get that answer. I'm afraid of monkeys and outhouses. And they move forward, not knowing me, thinking that I have two ridiculous stories ending in entertaining fears, and I move forward, letting them think that that's it.

But then there are the people who take the time to know me for real, who know what I am really scared of. The people who have sat with me and a bottle of wine for hours, the people who have invested in me, the people who have been by my side when I've needed them; these are the people who know that my fears go beyond monkeys and outhouses. These are the people who know I am afraid of losing control and of letting someone all the way in.

Those are my real fears, the ones that really give me a run for my money.

I'm afraid of losing control. I talk to my therapist about this one twice a month, on average, more often when I am dealing with a lot of change at once. I have come far enough to recognize it, to feel what triggers it, and to be aware of it...and also to sometimes have a laugh at myself for it. As an example, I recently decided to get a roommate, and I rented half my apartment to a girl who was moving out of her parents' house for the first time. This was ideal for me, because I have furniture and appliances and dishes and decor...and she doesn't. So essentially, our apartment is furnished with my stuff, with the obvious exception of her bedroom. Recently, she acquired a chair. A chair that sits at the dining room table. So, as anyone else would, she put her new chair out in the dining room, and now we have three chairs at the table - two that I bought with the table, that match...and one random one that doesn't. And this chair has become my nemesis. When I am doing dishes, I stare at it. It bothers me. Not because it's ugly, but because it bothers me that someone else's stuff is in my dining room. Now, mind you this person pays rent, is a legal lease holder on our shared apartment, and has every right to buy a chair and put it wherever she wants. And I'm not mad about it by any means; it just bugs me when I think about it. Because really, I just don't want anyone else to have any control over my life, and somehow this damn chair seems to trigger a time in my life where someone else was controlling my entire existence.

And yes, I realize this makes me sound like a total psycho.

I am also afraid of letting someone into my soul far enough that they could hurt me. People do that, the whole hurting other people thing. Sometimes they even do it intentionally. I've had people hurt me on accident, and I've had people hurt me intentionally. And it's definitely the intentional hurting that stays with you; the fact that someone would maliciously seek out a way to cause you pain. But they're out there, those people. So I feel the need to be cautious.

Unfortunately, that need to protect myself, to protect my heart, often gets in my way. And it gets in my way in ways that I don't see coming at first, sometimes not until it's too late. Sometimes I don't even realize I have my emotional arm up, that I am still guarding some part of me, that's I'm keeping my distance. And it's always the worst when someone you care about has to be the one to point it out, like there's someone out there who is working hard enough to get all the way in, that they're the one who notices when you're making it impossible.

Regardless of how scary it is, there comes a point in your life that you have to let your past shit go. When you have to look your fears in the face and say fuck it. When you have to let your roommate buy a chair you don't like and stop looking at it with dismay on your way out the door in the morning. When you have to look at that person who is working their hardest to know you, and make the choice to let them in. Fear will always be there, trying to hold you back, trying to keep you down. Are you going to let it win? Are you going to let your fear win? Or are you going to make a conscious decision to do what you know feels good, despite any fear of failure or heartache or anything else?

It's okay to be afraid of ridiculous things, like monkeys or spiders or public bathrooms. It's even okay to be afraid of real things, like falling in love with someone you could love forever or moving into an apartment with that person, or even walking away from the things you know and trying something new. Fear is a normal thing, a healthy thing. But it's not okay to be controlled by your fear, and it's not okay to let your fears control your life.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I still have no intention of hanging out with any monkeys...

I'm just never gonna be ready for that.

Back to basics

I needed a light easy blog for today after spending the last 2 nights getting restless sleep worrying about miss Juno kitty, who had a nice little asthma episode over the weekend...she is resting up though, and feeling better. Phew!

I stole this from Juliana and thought it was just super awesome...

A: Accept people at face value. We are who we are, take us as we are and don't try to change everyone around you.
B: Be yourself. Be honest and open, be vulnerable and be kind.
C: Calm the fuck down. It's just life, let things go and have a good time.
D: Don't let fear keep you from trying new things.
E: Eat well. Eat organic & support local farmers. But sometimes, just enjoy a big bowl of ice cream.
F: Fight for what you want. Fight hard for the things you need, the things you want, and certainly the things you deserve.
G: Give to charity. It feels good, do it. Give what you can, when you can.
H: Hug the people you love. You never know what tomorrow will bring, so hug big.
I: Ignore the things you can't control that make you mad. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
J: Jump ship! When something isn't right, get out! Make the changes you need to be happy.
K: Kiss. Kiss a lot. Make out like a teenager. It's fun!
L: Laugh. Laugh til your sides hurt, til you have tears running down your face. Find friends who make you laugh all the time, and never let them get away.
M: Meander. Take long walks. Hike for fun. Go outside and just wander.
N: Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Yes, I stole that one. But it's true. Don't be afraid to do what you want, even if you may fail.
O: Organize your life. Your clutter, your house, your office. Being organized just makes life simpler.
P: Pick something new and give it a whirl!
Q: Quit worrying so much. You'll be fine.
R: Right your wrongs. Apologize. Move on. Let things go.
S: Sleep! Get enough of it. Slow down and realize when you just need a nap.
T: Talk it through. Go to therapy or call your mama, but just start communicating.
U: Understand what makes other people tick...it is not the same as what makes you tick.
V: Value the people in your life. They matter, or they wouldn't be in your life...don't let them forget how important they are.
W: Work hard.
X: Uhh...x?? Shoot! Know when to make an eXit on the freeway of your life.
Y: YOLO!! You only live once. Make once enough.
Z: Find your zen. Live peacefully and find the way to do it.

Ask Yourself, Are You Ready?

"Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you any closer to where you want to be tomorrow."

I am a New Year's resolution girl. I don't necessarily stay up at midnight on New Year's Eve and right them down on a sticky note, and I don't tend to pick silly things that I will immediately break come the middle of the month in January. But I am a goal setter. I am a list maker and a reflector. I  spend the last couple weeks of December looking back at the year, from what goals I set for the current year, to where I was then compared to where I am now. And then I set some new, healthy, smart goals for the next year. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I do really well, but no matter what, I find a lot of comfort in the reflection and goal setting process.

At this time last year, I was about six months into writing this blog and had about ten regular readers. I was making an effort to find ways to get it out there, to share my posts on other sites, like Facebook, Pinterest, Google Plus and Twitter. My audience has now grown immensely and I just hit 32,000 page views - 32 THOUSAND. One of my posts has been published - published for real, like, in a book. My blog has an average of 2,000 page views per month; that's over 50 times a day that someone is opening my blog! At this time last year, I was sitting in my office at Cascade Woods Apartments in Aloha, where the only part of my job I didn't hate was having dinner at the end of every day with Stacey and Blake. I hated it so much I was considering leaving the company (amazing how things work out and I was only a few weeks from another promotion that would progress my career and make me much happier than leaving would have) and was actively seeking employment.

2014 started with family drama (doesn't it always) when my cousin tried to get me fired for writing this very blog. Because he's crazy. The family drama has continued through the year, and will likely carry on for many more years, but what has come out of this year for me, is the realization that I can pick my battles. I spent hours making my family tree with my therapist and finding all of the ways in which my family is completely fucked up - and learned that all of those things are out of my control. I cannot control that my family fell apart, and I cannot make them piece it back together. The only thing I can control is the way I react and the way I respond. And for me, that has meant retreating, not attending family parties. What I have learned is that making a choice to create that physical boundary between myself and the people who have hurt me is the healthiest choice, one I needed to make for myself. So, despite that the drama continues, I have finally been able to move on from it and let it go. I can't change it, so there is not use in continuing to be upset about it.

My goal for 2015 where it involves my family is to continue to feel my feelings and speak my truth, and to continue to make guilt-free choices involving who I speak to, what I attend (and don't), and what relationships I maintain (and which ones I sever). But I would like to talk about it less. I talked about it a lot this year, both in therapy and in public on this blog forum, I am ready for it to take less of my time. I've healed enough to stop being stressed about it, and I've let it go enough to talk less about it. I have finally been validated in my feelings and my decisions, and that validation was all I ever needed, when it came down to it.

In 2014, I transferred properties three times, and I moved three times. I'd like to believe that moving as frequently as I do is the nature of my business, but I think mostly it's because I am out of my damn mind. I started the year working in Aloha, then transferred back to Vancouver in January; I just transferred buildings up here again in October. In January I was living alone in a two bedroom apartment near my job site, where I had signed a 13 month lease with no intention of moving. Unfortunately my upstairs neighbor flooded my apartment and I had to move in April; I moved to a one bedroom on site at the building I was working at. Then in August, I transferred on the same property into a two bedroom and got a roommate. The roommate was a big step for me in my need for control. But it's been going really well. I am saving a ton of money every month, which has eliminated a lot of my life stress, and she's never home so we're not too much in each other's way.

My goal for 2015, regarding work and moving, is to stay in one damn place through the summer. I know, it is most likely wishful thinking, but I did commit to 12 months at the building I am at now, which puts me into September - and as long as I work here, I should be able to continue living where I am living...and I don't believe my roommate intends to rush out any time soon, so fingers are crossed that I can just stay put for the next nine or ten months. At which point, I have set a big goal: I want to move out of Washington and go somewhere new. I just wrote about this last week, but I do believe that now is an ideal time for me to pack my things, take Juno, and hit the road for another state. My company has properties everywhere and my options are not limited, so why not? Now is as good a time as ever to take a leap! I want to plan to visit both Boise and Denver, which are both high on my list of possibilities, in the spring and really make a good decision for myself.

In 2014, I did much better at communicating my feelings, being open, being honest with myself and other people, and I was definitely rewarded for it. I developed stronger friendships, better relationships, and treated myself better. I was finally able to find validation of some past feelings, and I finally learned to say "this is what I want, so this is what I am going to do," and to keep my own best interest in the forefront. My goal for 2015, regarding speaking my truth, is really just to continue to do so. It takes practice and commitment to stand up for what you want, and it takes energy to stand firm in your choices. I need to keep practicing, to keep working, and to keep committing to the choices I make for myself.

In 2014, I started (and ended) a great relationship with someone I was friends with first. I don't normally do that, the friends thing. Usually my emotion (and sex drive) complicates a friendship from the beginning. I tried something new. It didn't work out, but I think we have a salvageable friendship at this point, and if nothing else, I learned a lot about what I want and what's important to me. Next year, I am challenging myself to take more risks, to think less and act more, and to remember that what I want is valid, no matter how crazy it may seem.

2015 is going to be a good year; I'm determined to make it that. It will be one of successes and failures, change and stability, growth and learning. I intend to push myself out of my comfort zone and tackle new challenges, because I'm bored with things the way they are. In 2015, I intend to put myself first and to never underestimate my own abilities.

Because after all, in 2014, I accomplished my lifelong dream: something I wrote was published, in a book. Which must mean I am ready to take on a new life dream.

You Got Me With #NoFilter

Every so often, you meet someone amazing, and you become friends. Good friends. Great friends, even. You find yourself talking more and more, to the point that you are spending hours a day talking to this new friend; you're clearly ready to move on from the current property you manage since you've got this much time on your hands, but you talk non-stop. Eventually you find that on those rare days that you don't get to talk as much, you miss your friend. As time goes on and you continue to talk more, you find that this person is one who really understands you; he picks your brain, he makes you think. He compliments your mind and your personality, and he encourages you to take chances. He's an amazing friend because he makes your entire world a better place to be.

At some point, your friendship begins to cross some boundaries, to step over some lines. You and your friend are spending more time together, you're kissing, you're sleeping in each other's beds. You're spending whole weekends together, and you're starting to meet each other's friends. You're jealous of the other girls he talks about (and you've written off the other guys you were talking about), and you surprise even yourself with the amount of time you're spending thinking about his arms, his eyes, his lips. You find that he's someone who really gets you - he hates dogs and doesn't want to have kids, and his family may just be as fucked up as yours. He wants to travel, likes to read, and loves the beach, just like you. He slowly becomes the safety net that lets you be vulnerable like you've never been, and he lets you make plans to calm his impulsiveness. And then out of nowhere, despite your fear of rejection, your fear of having your heart trampled, your fear of letting someone into your soul, you finally admit to yourself that you're falling in love with your friend - and your heart skips a beat when he reciprocates the sentiment, and asks you to be his more-than-friend - doesn't even ask really, just makes a statement.

And in that moment, you don't think you could be any happier.

Until you get happier.

He takes you to the beach and spends the weekend laughing with you, ordering fancy drinks with you, letting you paint his fingernails hot pink...letting you all the way in. He goes out of town with you, he meets your family and doesn't hate them - hell, he even says great things about them (something you rarely even do). He continues to make you think, continues to push you to your limits when you're scared. And you believe that you're doing the same for him - that when something scares him, you're able to help him see through to the other side of his fear, that he feels the same support you do.

Truth be told, part of what makes you feel so safe, so secure, is that you were friends first, and you know each other. You know the way each other thinks; the way each other's minds work. He knows that you're a control freak and that living with someone else is your biggest fear, and you know he's impulsive, and that he wants to move away and take a lot of big risks. When you're just friends, those things don't matter. They're not a big deal, and you tend to make fun of each other about them. But suddenly, when you're in a relationship, trying to find a groove as a pair instead of two individuals, these things start to play a role. They make you question whether you'll ever be able to heal from the last time you moved in with someone, and you wonder what it would be like to go somewhere new together, somewhere neither of you has ever been. And you lay in bed next to him at night, wondering if he's wondering the same things.

That's the trouble with love. The trouble with love, is that the things that never mattered, maybe kind of matter. The trouble with love, is that you have to compromise and you have to consider someone else - what they think, how they feel. And suddenly, the fact that someone wants to live alone or move away, or the fact that one of you is scared of commitment or afraid of letting go, all start to be more important. The trouble with love, is that individual realities sometimes don't mesh, can't connect. Sometimes there is an inequality of feelings or of passion, that makes one of you unable to take the leap. Sometimes one of you isn't ready for shit to get this real; sometimes, honestly, neither one of you is. The trouble with love, is that sometimes love is a real bitch, that does nothing but give you several amazing months with someone, only to eventually not be enough. And then there are the times that it gets particularly painful - the times that you spend making a friend, being a friend, having a friend, only to ruin it by falling in love with your best friend. That's the real trouble with love; the real trouble with love is that it is so big that it has the potential to wreck everything in its path when it doesn't work. To work on maintaining that friendship if the relationship can't succeed, takes an immense and selfless effort - on both sides - and sometimes that won't be enough (though sometimes it will).

Every so often, you meet someone amazing, and you become friends. Good friends. Great friends, even. And in the midst of building your friendship with this amazing person, you often let your feelings grow, let your guard down. Eventually you realize that your capacity for love is there, and that your ability to be passionate is there, even though you're terrified, even though you're guarding it. My advice? Don't guard it. Don't protect it. If you're in love with someone, tell them. Be brave. Be willing to take risks and step out of your comfort zone. Be open to their new ideas, the way they make decisions and the way they think. Let yourself be passionate; put it all on the table. Communicate openly, be honest, and let yourself love - and be loved - the way that feels best to you. If they're impulsive, relish in that; take a leap with them even when you normally wouldn't. If they're nervous or protected, watch for those moments where they let it all out in front of you, and know that it means they trust you more than anyone else. Because in the end, you'll want to be able to say, I let you all the way in. I was scared, but I didn't let it stop me. You got all of me, #nofilter.

#FacingMyFears, Week One and Done

I started this 21 day challenge of facing my fears for two reasons: I thought it sounded like a fun way to challenge myself and bring about some changes I've been putting off out of self doubt (and some laziness), and to really focus on two of my greatest fears - surrendering/losing control to someone else, and repeating a mistake that I've already made and "should have" learned from. It's been a whole week, and I haven't missed a day yet!

Day 1: Spend the day telling the people I love, that I love them. I am afraid of the greatness of the words I love you, and I need to do a better job at expressing that. I have always been able to tell people how much they matter, how important they are, how much I need them...but I struggle with the literal word, love. Spending the day saying it, made it less scary, and ended up being a day spent hearing I love you as well - and who doesn't feel better after that?

Day 2: Tell my family I'm moving (again). I am afraid of judgment and people being overly opinionated about my life choices. I made a decision to move into a 2 bedroom with a new roommate almost a month ago, and I was putting off talking to my family about it because I didn't want to have to defend my choices. But in telling them, everyone was supportive and encouraging of my choice, and I was reminded that they love me and always have my best intentions at heart. So I moved this week. I moved into a two bedroom, and my roommate is moving in tomorrow. Eeeeek!

Day 3: Snail mail something "gushy" to someone who makes my days brighter, in an effort to brighten his day back. I enjoy sending physical tokens of my appreciation for the important people in my life, but it makes me really nervous to reach out to someone with a gesture like that, because I am afraid of rejection. I mailed a book and a card to my friend Mike, because we had just had a conversation about the ways he related to this book - so I went out and bought it, took it to the post office, and sent it on it's way, with a note about how impressed I am by him. And I learned that I had nothing to fear, it made his day brighter, just as I'd intended. In fact, it made him gitty. And when I corrected him on the spelling of the word giddy, he explained that that's how long it had been, since the last time he felt giddy...that he couldn't even remember how to spell it. So, mission apparently accomplished.

Day 4: Apply for the writing program I've been looking into at WSU. I have tossed around the idea of going back to school for the last year or so, and I just have been too hesitant to move forward, and I wasn't sure that the money spent on a graduate degree was something I was all that ready to do. So instead of finding a grad program, I found a professional certificate I can get, with 15 credits of writing courses and an internship, and I applied! I was so nervous filling out the application and financial aid packet, but I was also instantly proud of myself for finding a program that would work for me, and I am excited to get started this fall (or winter, if my application is too late). 

Day 5: Step on the scale, take my measurements, and set my fitness goals. I have been putting this off for the same reasons everyone else does - I don't prioritize the gym as much as I need to. At the end of a shitty day at work, it's the last place I want to go. And I am not good at getting up at 5:00 to go before work. Also, working out in public gives me anxiety, and I hate it. But I know it is vitally important to my health, especially with my frightening family heart history, so I sat down with my measurements and my goals, and made a plan to succeed. 

Day 6: Schedule blood work & "lady biz" doctor's appointments. This is a simple, stupid fear of going to the doctor. I don't know where it comes from, but I hate going there. I need a full physical/lab work. I'm 31, and you're supposed to get those. I need to make sure my family's medical history of diabetes and cancer and heart disease and high cholesterol. I have been hesitant to schedule my appointment with the gynecologist for two reasons - because with the endometriosis diagnosis (say that 3x fast) I got, I know there is always a chance of that coming back (and that surgery was not fun), and also because there is a chance, based on the aforementioned surgery/diagnosis, that I am not able to have babies. And while I do not want to have babies, I feel like I should be the one pulling it off the table, not science. In any case, I scheduled my appointments for the 28th, and we'll just see how it all goes.

Day 7 (that's today!!): Make the same mistake twice. I had a conversation about this one earlier this week, trying to find a way to manifest it without just intentionally making a mistake I've already made, just to say I made the same mistake twice; that seemed stupid to me. And I was told in terms of the heart, you have to be courageously unselfish...in a way, you have to put yourself out there and risk the hurt again. Wise words spoken by my wise friends. And it's so true. I have held myself back from letting someone in, because in the past, it has been painful. But that's not fair to me, nor is it fair to someone who I should be fully letting in and haven't been. The only thing I can do now, is embrace how I feel, be honest about it, and see what happens. It's easy to fall into the mindset of, I've been hurt before, if I do this again, I'll get hurt again.

That's where I find myself, fairly often. I think back on conversations I have with this guy I'm into, or I think about times that we've hung out, and I compare them to conversations or time spent with other guys who have eventually hurt me, and I find myself second guessing everything said, every move made. And that's ridiculous; it's such a waste of my time and my energy, and it's not fair to have these meaningful conversations and then go back and second guess their validity later on. I am making an effort today to strike up a conversation, about how I feel and the way I think, and then to just let that conversation go - to not worry about it or dwell on it, to not focus on the words spoken or the actions that may or may not follow. I don't need to second guess this person; he's not someone who has broken my heart in the past. In fact, quite the opposite, he has been one to be very cautious with it. I need to focus on the fact that other people are not responsible for my baggage, and that sometimes, the best thing I can do for myself, is let someone new in. And if that's the best I can do, I need to do it. And I am making a true effort to do just that - let him in, and not question his intentions unfairly.

So, I made it through week one in one piece. I do have to say, it has been a challenge! It's been a means to stay very focused on myself, my actions, my thoughts - and that's not something I'm used to doing. But I shared with my counselor that I'd started it (my appointment was on day two) and she thought it was a great idea. It's certainly been a good way to stay present in the moments throughout my day, and has been a motivating week.

On to week two!

Visible and Validated

Have you ever stood in the middle of a crowd, and yelled at the top of your lungs, only to realize that no one can hear you?

Have you ever looked at a toddler in a store, throwing a kicking, screaming, wailing tantrum, and felt like that was exactly what you have looked like for ten straight years, to no avail?

For ten years, I have felt invisible. Not invisible to everyone, not invisible in every circumstance or in my daily routine with the people I love, but invisible, unheard, and completely invalidated in several very vital scenarios.

At one point about ten years ago, and I don't know exactly when, but at some point when I was in my late 'teens or early twenties, my Uncle Mike was diagnosed with cancer. It was the first time someone in my close family had been given this diagnosis, and I was scared. But I was also wounded from a fight taking place in my family, and this put the fight in me to do my part to mend it. I reached out, expressing my feelings, my mom's feelings, the way that cancer can scare the fucking shit out of you and make you rethink all of the bull shit fights you're involved in. All I wanted was for the fighting to end and everyone to move on together, because together, we are big enough to kick cancer out and get past it.

I screamed, but nobody really heard me. Or they heard me and chose not to listen.

Not too long after, when I was a senior in college, my own daddy got a cancer diagnosis. I was broken. Scared. No, terrified. I have never been such a wreck, nor have I ever been so in need of being loved and embraced by everyone in my world. The only thing I wanted was everyone to take care of us, to make it better, to help get to the end of each day.

I continued to scream, but they didn't hear me. They were busy fighting and yelling; they were busy being hateful.

In 2009, Grandma and Grandpa Stacey both died, just a few months apart. I was devastated. I thought the way to mend my broken heart would be to make a better effort to bond with my Grandma W, who was now my last living grandparent. And I did. I picked her up and together we went to visit her old house - the house that holds all of my childhood memories - when it was for sale. I asked her for her old recipes and she gave them to me on handwritten cards, in her shaky cursive script. I went to her house to bake holiday cookies with her, and tried really hard to not feel broken when I left in tears after a few hours.

I was screaming for the tight knit loving chaos that I had been missing. But I was screaming to myself, and no one really heard it but me.

There have been moments in my adult life where all I wanted was the chaos - those days where all of us under 18 had to sit on the floor because there weren't enough chairs, the days where we had to cook all week long to make enough food to serve everyone, the meals where we were physically unable to sit together at one table. Big, loud, and crazy is what I crave on holidays and birthdays. Having to sit on the floor is normal and it's what I miss, what I continue to grieve the loss of, what we will never get back. Being able to sit around one table feels like silent screaming. Feels like I am the only one who still misses the normalcy of the chaos.

It has only been recently that I have begun to let it go. No matter how angry or sad or hurt or invalidated I have found myself in the past ten years, I have continued to hope for normalcy, for repair and rebuild, for forgiveness and peace. I have wanted my childhood and all it's traditions and innocent ignorant bliss back, where everything was happy and fun, where no one was this full of anger. I am only very recently moving on, saying goodbye to the old normal and embracing the new normal. Finding a way to enjoy what's here instead of focusing on what's not. The people who have heard me yelling, are the only ones I need anyway.

But, no matter how able I am to move forward, to forget and let go, it is really hard to not be heard. Think back to that toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the store. Picture the kicking, the screaming, the punching...picture all of it in silence. That is how it feels to go about your life thinking that nobody is validating, or even listening to, what you're saying. My feelings are big. They're powerful. They're raw. And until today, I have felt like they were silent.

Last night I got a message that surely my cousin didn't think was much of a big deal. Letting me know she'd had a conversation in which my ten years of feelings were validated: someone heard me. My hurt feelings were understood and accepted, my sadness was not ignored. We did this; we hurt her, and we should be sorry for that. I felt like I won the lottery tonight. Not because I was finally right, not because I intend any forgiveness to take place now, not because I think anything will be any different than it has been for ten years. But because someone finally fucking heard me. And listened. And empathized. And felt remorse.

Because, to be quite blunt, I had no part in what happened. I was a bystander. I have been drug through the mud, the whole time yelling for someone to fix it. This will never be fixed, and I know that. But someone heard me. And listened to me. And validated me.

People need validation of their feelings. Whether we agree or disagree, a person's feelings are always valid. That toddler, throwing a fit in the store, is experiencing valid emotion, albeit inappropriately. But that doesn't mean the kid is wrong or bad; it simply means he needs someone to pick him up and listen, and validate his needs. You don't have to agree. Hell you may wildly disagree. But the way someone feels is valid. The way someone expresses their feelings is valid. The way someone interprets their version of reality, is valid. We are deserving of validity. We deserve to be heard and accepted, and nobody deserves to be ignored.

Don't let the people in your life become invisible. Validate their feelings. When they are kicking and screaming, don't let them feel like their screams are silent. Hear them.

We all deserve to be visible and validated.

You're a Weak-Ass Bully

The definition of BULLY: a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

Let me just preface this blog with a reminder that, this is my mother-fucking blog, and I will say what I want, how I want, when I want. I am very aware of the consequence of voicing my opinion out loud (or writing it out loud, in this case). I don't need anyone to tell me to relax or let anything go, nor do I need to be told to be nice or to keep things to myself.

FUCK. YOU.

Fuck your bully-ass, manipulative bull shit. Fuck you for the way you speak to people, for the way you speak to your family. Fuck you for the way you use people, for the way you make yourself a victim by manipulating the people around you. Just seriously, fuck you.

I am so beyond done with the bull shit, it's insane. I cannot continue to sit idly by and watch people mistreat other people. If you are a bully, I will call you a bully. If you are manipulative, I will call you manipulative. If you are abusive or domineering or aggressive, or just quite plain FULL OF FUCKING HORSE SHIT, you're going to be put in your place for being a fucking ass hole.

FUCK. YOU.

Fuck you for ruining holidays, for tearing things apart just to be the winner of some bull shit stupid fight. Fuck you for crying and whining and being a big fucking bratty-ass baby, Like, for real, fuck you, you stupid ass holes.

Here's the reality. People are destroyed here. This isn't a moment where you have been hurt and we all need to bow down to you with apologies, begging you to forgive us. Ummm. Fuck you. You and your manipulation have legitimately destroyed other people. And you don't give a fuck. And you don't give a fuck because you're too fucking selfish to even see that you caused all of this damage. You are the one behind it all, and maybe it took us 10 years to figure it out, but we know now, and you're not going to continue to play the puppet master.

You can seriously, just fuck right off. Girl, bye.

And seriously, just like that I feel a little better about this insane lunacy.

Sometimes a girl has just got to vent, ya know? And today was one of those days, where I just need to type the word fuck like 35 times so I don't drive somewhere to pop someone in the jaw.

On a serious note though, it's awful to sit back and watch as one person tears apart ten other people. To sit and watch it all play out; to watch the lies, the bullying, the manipulation. It's sad to bring it up and be completely ignored (because God forbid someone take ownership in their part of anything). Sometimes, being the bigger person is really fucking hard. It's hard because usually, it requires letting go of relationships. When you stand up to someone who abuses you, you have to be prepared to say goodbye to that relationship. When you stand up for yourself, when you choose yourself over anyone else, it can really, really fucking hurt.

That is, until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Until it occurs to you that you're better now, that you win because you're no longer cowering to another person. It stops hurting when you learn how much better your life has become since you made a decision to just choose to take care of YOU. It takes a long time to get there. It takes a few steps forward, and then a few more back. Deciding you are more important than anything else, feels like trying to claw your way out of a wet paper bag. But trust me when I say, it's worth it.

If you're a bully, you can actually just fuck off right now.

And if you're the victim of a bully, stop letting that shit slide immediately, and just put yourself at the top of the list. You matter so much more than any bull-shit dumb-fuck weak-ass bully, who literally is only picking on you because they hate their own life.

How sad is that??

Just. Go. Love. Yourself.

And fuck off to the people who would rather just crush you than let you love yourself. #boom.